The Gift Box

An amazing thing happened to me the week before Christmas.  I stopped for coffee on my way to work.   I pulled up to the window and the cashier wearing her cute Christmas apron handed me my order.  She said, "The gentleman in front of you bought your coffee and said to tell you 'Merry Christmas.'"  How could I do anything but smile!  It also blessed her to be in the middle of such an act.  A stranger whom I'll never know  and expects absolutely nothing gave me a Christmas miracle. After all, any act of love is a miracle.

This is not the first time I've experienced something like this, but it surely hit the spot early that morning.  That act of unconditional kindness did something in my heart.  Not only did it distract me from my distractions by suddenly reverting me back to the reason we celebrate Christmas, but it put a glimmer of hope in my heart for mankind.  What a gift!

It's in us to be givers.  It's a God-trait.  And since we were created in his image....well, you know.

Most of us are givers from way back.  We shared our toys.  We shared stories.  And we've picked flowers. We've drawn pictures.  We've found treasures in somebody's trash burn pile.  All these things just to send a love token to someone.  Little innocents know how to give. It is in us to do so.  For me, somewhere along the line giving became less about who I was and became more about what was expected.  I learned giving is just the "right" thing to do and those rules built walls around my belief about giving.    "We give to this.  We don't give to that." " This is an acceptable gift for this, but not for that." "If you don't give someone will starve."  "If you don't give, you rob God." "If you give, you'll be blessed."  (yucky.)   You feel less when it's not good enough, or self-righteous when you  follow the rules, or embarrassed because you over did it.  You make a mental note that next time you must pay the tab because this time she did. The miracle disappears and what remains is something more processed... unnatural... humanistic.  It's still nice to give, I guess, but definitely not as magical.

Then one day, I finally UN-learned those rules about giving. I began to realize what it means to give from God's perspective.  Let me tell you, there are no boxes to his giving. No gift boxes!   I love that Wayne tells our boys all the time, "God is an open-handed Father.  He's not withholding anything from you."  HE gives freely because he loves.  As he is then so am I. But what does that mean for me exactly?  

We've all heard of stories about people at the grocery store buying a birthday cake for a child who otherwise wouldn't have one.  Or a sack full of groceries for a single mother just trying to make ends meet.  All that is wonderful, but get this!  My friend is a mother of three babes just like me.   She was in line at the grocery store with her babes when she felt a desire to pay for the groceries of the party in front of her.  This wasn't an instruction-from-the-Lord-Obedience exercise.  She just felt she wanted to do it.  It was some Frat guys who were buying food to go camping, but they didn't have enough money between them to pay for it.  She said she didn't want to embarrass them so it took the desire rising up three times before she asked if she could.  Of course they let her and were so thankful.  That story rang some sort of bell inside of me that still knocks me off my rocker!  A mother. A cart full of groceries.  Three babies.  And she did it because she WANTED to.  Imagine that.  And to receive that miracle was just as huge as giving it.  Really its the same thing.   I think about those college guys all the time wondering what that did inside of them.  She had no ulterior motives, but I bet that ignited some sort of God-desire in them.  They will probably grow up to be professionals who go around doing stuff like buying somebody's coffee at the drive-through window.  So powerful what a miracle will do!

As I drank my coffee rolling down the highway, I was thinking about God's kind of giving....his miracles...all he gave because he loves.   Did you know that sometimes, Jesus would heal somebody and not tell them who he was?  Did you know that he would perform a miracle sometimes and ask them not to tell anyone?  We always thought there was a motive...give the glory or whatever.  Nope.  Real giving is giving just because the fullness of love in us splashes out on random people. There is no guilt involved.  There is no obligation. There are no rules.  There's only just love and giving is fruit of resting in that love.  It's beautiful to give and it's beautiful of people to allow us to do so too. 

Dear gentleman in the pickup truck in front of me at the coffee shop,

Thank you for my cup of holiday cheer.  The coffee was great too.

Audrey

Happy Birthday Ben-Dudey

 This child is edible.

If he was an ice cream flavor, he would be called, "Momma's Dream."  

I am pretty much wrapped around  his pinky finger and he knows it. 

 
 Ben is the biggest surprise of all three surprises.  I thought something might be "wrong" and took a pregnancy test at 3:00 in the morning on December 1st.  I was shocked.  I woke Wayne up, but then left to a see about a crying 12-month-old baby Jack.  When I returned to bed, Wayne rolled over and said, "I had a weird dream..."   But it wasn't a dream!   We refer to December 2008 as "Black December."  That time in our life was completely full of pressure and another baby was on the way.  Whoever said, "It's all the same after two kids," LIED.  But you get what you get and don't throw a fit!

If we had known what a precious little treasure we were baking up, it would not have been bad at all.

God told me that this baby would teach us about grace...and he does EVERY SINGLE DAY! He's a text book.  We learn from him. 

Luke was 37 months old when Ben was Born.  Jack was 20 months old.  Ben was not planned AT ALL.  There were some complications.  If Ben had not come when he did, we would not have him today.  There is no doubt.  This child was a serious and humongously fantastic gift.

When Ben was about ten-months-old, he stood up in his high chair.   After telling him to sit down, I  tapped on his diaper to get him to sit.   Luke and Jack thought I was spanking him, and I got in BIG trouble.  They both scooted their chairs on either side of Ben.  When he would stand up, they would put their little hands on his bottom as they finished their lunch. The rest of the day they kept him out of trouble.  That has been Ben's whole life.

"AMEN!!!!"

Ben LOVES his spot in the family.  He was born to be the baby.  He soaks up pampering like sponge immersed in water.  Just like a saturated sponge gets everything wet, so does love from a Ben-dudey.  To be honest, I had some concerns that our little Shacocoa would grow up to be a man-sized baby.  All those fears disappeared when a little girl came to visit one day, and I watched how Ben used all his stored-up pampering to pamper her all day long.  He will let you love on him as much as you want.  Then it is effortless for him to love on other people.  His very presence is one of grace.   He was born to enjoy life.  He forgives easily and pressures of life disappear in his presence.  The child is precious. ...And completely spoiled.

 Ben is definitely different than his brothers.  He didn't walk or talk as early.  His words were not clear for a long time.  He is always cutting a shine, but the day we had him "evaluated" he decided to pretend he was lifeless.  After seeing Ben in a vegetative state, the evaluator became irate and said, "That's Ben and you are just now calling me ?!?!?!!!!!!"  "Um...no, Sir.  He doesn't normally act like that."  The concerned child development expert didn't believe me until Ben popped up with a Nerf gun and shot him smack in the face.  Yep....he's just fine.  I think my favorite question the man asked me was, "Can Ben help you dress him?"  My response was, "Well?  Technically he can, but does he?  Um...nope."  Ben just loved for someone to dress him just like he STILL loves for us to feed him. He is smarter than he lets on. He doesn't get his worth from what he can do or how smart he is or how strong he is.  He just loves being him.

Ben sees daddy is home.

 Luke and Jack fight over how to "raise" Ben.  Ben LOVES the attention.  I don't know how this happened, but Luke seriously thinks that Ben is supposed to get his way.  Jack thinks it's an honor to let Ben show his independence and do things himself.  Luke and Jack told us once that they are always going to live at our house.  "That's fine."  We told them.  "But if you decide you want to move out, get married, and have babies when you grow up then that will be fine too."  Jack said, "We don't need to have babies.  We have Ben."  

 When Ben grows up he wants to be a kid...or "Tid" as he calls it.   Ben teaches us that grace is freedom from all rules, laws, and even expectations.  It is living from who you are, enjoying life, feeling content, and allowing yourself to be simply loved.  Ben's little nature lives life so easily.   He loves to be little. He is content....ALWAYS content.  He is the most easy going kid I know.  

Ben will get into trouble with the best of them.  He checks to see who is charge.  He can turn on the whine as easy as he can turn on the shine.  But at the end of the day, this child could not be easier.    

Ben and Uncle Ben

 
Ben talks nonstop and on one volume  ....LOUD!  We know if it's Ben waking up in the middle of the night because he gets into the refrigerator before coming to our bed.   He is super funny.  He can repeat something not funny that someone just said and turn it into something to make people laugh.  He's even funny when he's mad.  We literally go into stores or restaurants and people watch him and giggle.  Daily I hear some stranger say, "He is so precious!"   
  
Ben says things to me like, "Mom, when I'm finished eating, I'm going to go outside and hold your hand."   He'll just sit and rub on my back.  He used to say, "My turn."  Then he would give me a kiss.  Then he would say, "Your turn."  and expect me to kiss on him.  He loves on me all the time.  He'll give away everything he owns just because he knows it will make someone happy.  I've never seen such an easy-going child.  BUT he's also the baby.  Widdle Jadodey.   He doesn't exactly act like a big boy when another baby comes to take his spot.  But just as usual....it's pretty funny to watch.

Ben's First Train Ride

One of the biggest revelations I've ever learned about God's kingdom came to me when I saw how Ben sees the world.  Ben sees the world in Happy or Sad.  It's his core.  Everything he does comes out of this perspective.  He FEELS.   He desires happiness and it makes him happy to make others happy.  He says and does whatever it takes to make the world around him happy. He doesn't like the book, "The Monster At The End of This Book" because Grover isn't happy until the end. The first time Wayne read that book to him, I wish I would have had a video camera.  You would have thought he was watching an execution each time he turned a page.  At the end of the book when Grover realizes that the monster at the end of the book is in fact Grover, Ben gave out a laugh of releif, and says, "Oh he's happy!" 

Making Salsa

We have actually had a hard time with him because of The happy and sad thing.   If we ask him a question, he wants to say what he thinks will make everybody happy whether it is the truth or not. It could last for hours, but wen Ben finally tells us the truth, he will ask, "Did I tell the truth?" It's like he has no concept of that.  He doesn't think in"right or wrong". He thinks in "happy or sad." That is some pretty big stuff we learn from a little Chacoto.

 I remember one time I was having a Mommy-fit.  Two toddlers into stuff, lots of expectations  on myself and a baby Ben Jude woke up early from his nap.  I was having a bad day and tired to hold it in.  I'm pretty sure I either slammed a door, threw a pillow at the wall, or maybe kicked the stairs or something as I went to get that baby out of bed.  I was just about to have as much as I could take.  The pressure was on and the top about to explode.  I opened the door and saw that innocent baby oblivious to anything except contentment.  He was standing in his crib waiting patiently on me to come.  He welcomed me with the biggest grin ever.  I was smacked in the face with a real presence of grace and began to weep the "imaginary" pressures away.  Ben always knows what is really important without really knowing it. 

 Ben refers to his brothers as, "My Boys."  He is like a real live baby doll.  He loves to be rocked, cuddled, and sung to.  He will literally let you hold him as long as you want.  He has no agenda.  He's just restful and content and enjoyable.

When Luke was born, I felt like we were raising him for other people.  When Jack was born, I felt like we were raising him for the world.  I felt like Ben was born just for us.  Happy 4th Birthday to our baby Ben-Dudey. 

Benjamin Jude: "Son of The Right Hand.  Worthy of Praise."  

Happy Birthday to Mr. Magnifient Awesome!

We cut our teeth on this little golden child right here....

Life suddenly sobered up when we found out we were having a baby.  Nothing like a positive pregnancy test to make the world look a little differently.  We took becomming parents very seriously.   I remember all the stresses of learning how to parent...reading books....taking classes, etc. etc.  It was too much.  One day I said to Nana...."this book says to do it this way....that book says to do it that way..."  She said, "You know?  It's hard to kill one."    That brought a lot of peace to us.  We soon figured out that parenting was more about learning from the kids than a text book. Nothing like on-the-job training.  Luke was our first preceptor. 

Luke was the first of three excellent professors that have taught us about EVERYTHING we never knew we never knew. As the first born, he has been such a patient little guy as we figure out who we are as parents.  He is just about as perfect a kid as you can get. We could not have ordered better.  God was merciful on us to give us a Luke Mitchell.

We picked his name out immediately.  Luke Mitchell means, "Bringer of Light.  Who is like our God." His name suits him.  He is super fun to be around.  Learning to experience life like he does is something everybody should do.  He is a very compliant child.  We can count on one hand the times Luke "checked to see who is charge."   Any time he got out of line a bit, we just reminded him of his name....who he is.  

His name continues to grow as he does. As an infant, we called him, "Mr. Amazing." 

We've always thought he was rockin' awesome, but I'm not sure we truly knew the treasure we had hiding little toys in strange places.  It seems easy for new parents to take perfect kids for granted. We were the typical first-time parents.  I have more pictures just for Luke's first week of life than the rest of the boys put together.  We have more video coverage of Luke cooing and ooing than there are infomercials.  We packed in more memory-making, family fun in one little year than I remember for the decade before. Even still...I'm pretty sure I was greener than car sick turtle when it came to parenting.   Maybe some moms get it immediately, but it took me having three boys in 37 months before I really felt like a mom. It took three boys sleeping side ways in our bed before I really began to understand that sleep is not a right, but a privilege.  It took breastfeeding, diapering, and food processing for YEARS  before I let go of  my expectations, pressures, and  beliefs about what I thought a mom was.  It took three boys for me to give up and learn.  I see things like I never saw them.  I learn things like I never learned them.  Everyday I discover the meaning life.    Believe me....I KNOW what I've got now.    I  enjoy my boys...and it all started with the Amazing Luke Mitchell. 

   Once I told Luke I had a secret to tell him.  Then I whispered in his ear, "Did you know I think you are awesome."  Then he said to me, "I have a secret to tell you."  and he whispered in my ear, "Did you not realize I've had diarrheas since Easters?

Luke was born "older."  He is the most confident, dependable, secure, innocent, and responsible child I know.  He sees himself as "bigger."  If a big kid can do it.  So can he.  That is why he was running at 11 months old,  climbing out of his crib from  the lowest level at 9 months old, and did a flip off the diving board the very first day we removed his life jacket. His great aunts always said he was "sure-footed."   

Luke has no idea there are limits.  But he is well aware boundaries. 

One of my favorite stories was a time we were driving through town.  Luke was sitting in the car seat with a sippy cup.  He looked out his window and saw a tall, middle school boy with a large-frame walking home by himself from school. Luke said, "Huh.  He's big like me."

One day when he was about four years old, I asked Luke, "Would you rather be called Awesome or Magnificent."  He tapped his finger to his chin to think about it for a few seconds then said, "I think both." That is when his name grew into, "Mr. Magnificent Awesome."

Luke knows things I am not sure how he knows.  He is always telling me things that God tells him or shows him.  He tells me about conversations they have. He makes grown up decision and tells me that God helped him decide.  He told me we didn't need to have quiet time in the car before school, because he talks to God at school too. His relationship with him is evident.  His nature is His nature.  Luke makes it easy to understand why it is so important to be child-like.

Luke is a cartoon.  He does goofy things.  Once he got a little scratch on his hand and acted like a fish out of water flopping all over the floor.  I said, "Get up, Luke!  You didn't scratch your leg!"   I even hear his brothers say at time, "Quit being a cartoon, Luke!"

The child is good at everything he does.  He has a hard time with himself if what he does isn't as good as he thinks it should be.    The challenge with Luke is to keep him from being too hard on himself.  This is the child who would throw up in the floor and the first thing he thinks of is he needs to get a towel to clean up the mess.  His Uncle Ben says, Luke is all alligators.” (A is for Alligators.)   He was born for academics.  He loves to learn. 

Once he woke me up because he gave me a kiss on my forehead has he crawled into our bed.  I've seen him bend down to protect the legs of a girl when the swing was coming a little too close.  I've also seen him throw a fit when he found his new cousin would be girl instead of a boy.   He is goofy, funny, smart, nerdy, athletic, and easy to get along with.  His wheels are always spinning.  He creates and creates some more.  He makes up stories, He illustrates his books.  He makes up games.   He builds creatures, contraptions, and booby traps. He is always creating something.  We started calling him, "The Amazing Mr. Magnificent Awesome." 

Luke is tender-hearted.   He loves Planet Earth, but never wants to watch the one about desserts because the baby elephant gets lost from its mother.  He loves his brothers.  Luke is always thinking of them, aggravating them, and trying to make life easier for them. 

I told Luke one day that he is such a good teacher.  This puzzled him.  He doesn't understand why he is teaching when he feels it is him who has so much to learn.

I always wanted to know what Wayne was like when he was a little boy.  I don't know how he was, but I do know if you could squish Wayne down to a little boy, I'm sure he would be Luke Mitchell. He is so much like his daddy and a HUGE daddy's boy.  When the boys get in "trouble" for having a pouty attitude, we have them tell us things we are thankful for.  Luke ALWAYS starts off with, "I'm thankful for my dad." 


He has the best laugh in the world.  He is strong as an ox. He is competitive and likes being the champ, but he let's his brothers win all the time just to maintain the peace.  Luke he has no problem putting people ahead of him. He is willing to try anything.  Last summer we added, "fearless" to his name because he is. 

 When Luke was born, I always felt like I was raising him for other people.  I have learned so much about relationship from such a good little teacher. I've never seen a child value people the way he does.   He makes friends everywhere he goes. He is comfortable to be around.  He is a great peace maker.  He enjoys life and he enjoys sharing life with people.  He is always respectful and kind, but secure so that he doesn't feel like he has to play with people who "bother" him.

Luke believes in people.  I have witnessed kids who were falling behind suddenly boost ahead just because Luke said they could do it.  I have seen life spark in the eyes of other children when they began to believe in themselves like Luke believes in them.  I have never seen leadership from a kid like that before.

 

  A couple of years ago while thinking about Luke, the Lord told me to tell Luke how he is a prince.  I knew this was perfect timing because He-Man had become very popular in our house.  Luke was very aware of Prince Adam and his role as He-man.  Luke would "get" this.

 Luke is so compliant that we have to be careful not to take him for granted.   He is asked a lot to put what he wants on hold for other people in our family.  He is always willing to do it.  He's a good sport.   He is on the front-line of our child rearing, and he takes it like a man.    We have had to learn to "listen."   When he acts out, something is wrong.  It could be something that looks like throwing a fit to him finding some ridiculus excuse to come downstairs after bedtime.  Those types of behaviors are loud and clear.  He needs more attention.

We are super proud of such a golden little boy.  Can't believe it has been seven years this week, but so happy to be recipients of this fine little man.  

Happy 7th Birthday to

The Amazing and Fearless Mr. Magnificent Awesome,       Prince Luke Mitchell of Blaylock Mountain

We named you well, our little "Bringer of Light."

Kindness

I was reminded today how kindness changes the way people think.

I was expecting harshness.  I armed myself with strength.  I shielded myself with apathy.  As is typical of wrong-minded thinking, I was worried for nothing.  I was given kindness instead.    Instantly I changed from one direction of thinking to another.   Barriers were no longer there.  Imagination-induced stress and pressure disappeared. I became free, friendly, and energized to do even more.  

Kindness leads to repentance.  Being kind lifts people up so they return to the high way of thinking...the "pent" house. 

I'm high on happiness tonight because someone was kind.  I like people who are naturally kind.  Kindness shows value for people over performance.  I also want to influence people with kindness.    

Babies

Back in November 2012, I had two encounters with media that significantly affected me.  I was desperately heavy-hearted and grieving.  After days of muddling through my emotions and beliefs about what I had heard, I finally sat down to journal as I often do when my heart gets overwhelmed.  Writing is such a fantastic tool for me where I can dump out my heart like that catch-all kitchen drawer when it gets too full of junk.  When it is all out in front of me, I can make sense of it. As the old saying goes, I can find a place for everything and put everything in its place.   

So I wrote....

I listened online to my favorite minister talk about his visit to an African country.  His story was actually about how the grace message influenced the heart of another minister in giving, but that is NOT what I heard.  As he told about his minister friend, he included the details of the work being done there. I could hear nothing else after I heard the story.  This Pastor and his mother fed 700 orphans everyday on a very modest budget.  I was absolutely floored about their situation. The orphanage is on the boarder of two African countries.  Because of their location, neither country wants to claim the orphanage and therefore will not give citizenship to those children claiming they live in the neighboring country.  So not only were these babies abandoned by their parents, but they are also rejected by their countries.  They get no help from  government, and depend on this man and his mother to eat.

The very next day, we Americans exercised our citizenship and  went out to vote for our president.  After the election was over, I heard a liberal commentator give her two cents on why Obama was reelected.  She said that last year half of the babies born in the United States were unwanted.  She made some remark about how the American  people are making a stand for abortion by voting the way we did.  Her comments were actually so ludicris that even the other liberal commentators shot her down and quickly changed the subject.

I was grieving for BABIES!

I wrote about those two situations and vomited a whole bunch of emotional garb about my grief, but then suddenly slammed right into a huge writers block. There was nothing but facts to write.  I had a whole bunch of opinions that I would have thought were "right."  A nice little essay of what is wrong with the world and how crazy people are.  But the flow was suddenly cut off.  This was highly unusual.  Usually light followed the darkness bringing answers and calming the storm.  This time the dark came out, and what I thought would have been the light just was not able to come.  Hitting the proverbial wall was so shocking that I forgot about my grief and concentrated on the hiccup.  I was distracted by the thought, "What is wrong with my thinking about these situations?"    I knew the opinions in my heart were not the answer, and therefore it couldn't come forth on paper.  I would have to wait for the light.   

Finally after a few more weeks, the Holy Spirit was finally able to get through to me.  He said,  "Let's not curse the darkness, but rather bring forth the light."

That is when I realized that grieving over the facts made the issue about right-verses-wrong rather than allowing compassion to rise up and love people in the situation.  Oh I had some VERY strong opinions and words for those people who so blatantly disdain life and devalue people.  But focusing on the problem is not the solution. Death lives in right-verses-wrong thinking.  Cursing the dark only keeps things dark.   There is a higher way to see things that allows the light to erase the darkness and bring forth life.  

So what of these orphans?  Isn't it OUR system that makes citizenship to a country something of value?  Do I really think it takes a government to meet their needs?  And if I were to actually go there and "love" them based on some NEED I think they have, wouldn't my attitude of  LACK toward them be more detrimental to them than not having a birth certificate?

I know this doesn't make sense to our normal way of thinking, but I see it clearly now.   Yes, their situation is not picture perfect in our world and surely to bring some obstacles in our system.  But they are not hopeless!  Little kids don't even know or care about citizenship nor do they ever think of future obstacles.  What they know is if they are loved or not....Truly loved for who they are and not for their situation.

Can we love them as equals or do we have to provide for them to somehow patch them into our system to make us feel better about ourselves? Why can't we just love them just because they are loveable?   Can we feed them just because they need to eat?  Can we remind them that they are adopted and accepted by a good, loving, and perfect father?  Their Father sees no lack in them.  He doesn't think they need fixing.  He sees their end as clearly as their beginning. Can we see them as He sees them?

When those children see themselves as their Father does, whole and lacking nothing, they will soar over obstacles as if they don't even exist.  It is our mentality that builds obstacles and strips them of the beliefs that it would take to overcome their imagined slights.  Four-year-olds don't know they "can't" or "don't have" unless somebody tells them.  Really, we don't even have to tell them.  Kids pick up on our emotions.  We communicate with our very presence whether or not we think something is "wrong" with them or not.  In reality, there is nothing wrong.  We are the ones who make up the rules.  In the meantime, lets feed some kids and love on some babies.  Let's see them as their Father sees them.  And let's keep reminding them of who they are.  Children of the Most High.  Citizens of Heaven. 

  

The Unforgiveness List

Some people make a bucket list...you know, the things you want to do before you die.  I'm sure there are some things I would like to do before I kick the bucket, but there is nothing I would rather do than just be present.  I don't want live today with my mind in the past.  I don't want to live today wishing for the future.  I just want to live.  It has taken me a while to even learn what "being present" or "resting" is.   

It's get REAL time.  I'm gonna lay it down.  I'm gonna strap it on.  Hopefully my realness tonight won't embarrass me in the morning....

There are some things that keep us from enjoying the present.  (LIFE thieves.)  One of the biggies is bitterness and of course unforgiveness.  I have most of my bad memories hidden on social media, but every now and then I will catch a whiff of one.  If I'm not in my right mind when the scent comes along, I take a big bite out of bitterness.  Of course the only way to alleviate the flavor is by savoring forgivness.  Honestly, it makes no sense to even lay claim to a "bad apple."  After all, the only reason forgiving another seems difficult is because I find it difficult to forgive myself.  Someday, everybody's eyes will be open and we will see that it was nothing but a bad dream. It will eventually all come out in the wash. I don't want to waste brain cells on imaginary discrepancies.  But for now, while my "opinions" are tied to this body, I bump noggins with people from time to time.   I would like to act super pious here and tell you that I have forgiven everyone who ever sinneth against me, but the fact is I haven't fully yet.  I do know enough to know that when I free them, I will free myself.  It is I who keeps me bound.

One day, I caught a whiff of a "bad apple" and it didn't smell pretty.  It resurrected some manure that I thought I had gotten rid of.   It was a big, old, deep, smelly pile of stink, and I landed face first in it.  It was ripe, and I was bitter.  After a few hours of unhappiness I decided I was being ridiculous and was ready to do some deep cleaning.   I doubted there was a big enough shovel.

I've got this prayer journal that I hate calling a prayer journal..  Well, I guess that is what it is...I decided about two years ago to finally get a prayer journal when I realized that I could make it whatever I wanted it to be.  My prayer journal just happens to be my place where I can write out things from my heart that I would only want God to hear.  Sometimes it is little ponders of life that reflect snippets of intimacy with our creator. (yeah! sounds good right?)  Well, most times I just smear the pages with stench.  When I write, it sort of bypasses my brain in a way that brings healing to my soul.  Anyway, I decided that only God should know about all the people I was wishing would float far far away to Neverland.  (Like he didn't know already.)  The truth is, I was the one who didn't know.  So I made my list of people that I needed to forgive. It was longer than I thought it would be. And I sang my little "Everybody done me wrong" song. (Oh my goodness, I just realized as I typed that some psychopaths make lists but mine was for a totally different purposes I promise!)  Anyway, I made my list then I circled, starred, drew lines around, and highlighted the names of the people who REALLY ticked me off.    I felt a little better after I admitted it on paper, but no healing yet.

There was one chick I had highlighted, but I really didn't understand why.  So I asked the heavens, "Why in the world do I hold a grudge against this girl?"  Really she hadn't done anything to me except believe lies that were told and try to "punish" me with her silence.  We actually had a lot in common.  I've even thought before, "Wow, I would really like her if she wasn't such a butt head."  I think what I was really mad at was the fact that the only reason I had any discord with her in the first place was because I first see her "flaws" in myself.  BOOOOOOOO!  I did not want to admit that!  I get disgusted when I see how she treats people, but it is exactly the same way I used to treat people.  If I still lived in a world of thinking like she does, I would be her same person. I already knew it....to release is to be released.  To see them as they really are is to also see myself in the light.  It's one in the same.  It was time to release so I could be free, but I still held on... 

So a little time passed and the answer finally rose up within me.  The reason I had unforgiveness in my heart toward her (toward them all)  is because I placed expectations on her that were just unrealistic and unfair and she didn't live up to them.  Actually any expectations on anyone are unrealistic and unfair.  Expectations are nothing but a law I make up and inflict on someone who never wanted or deserved it.  They'll fail.  They will always fall below our imaginary standards and the worst part is that it damages our relationship with them.  Sad.  So I would miss out on a relationship with a child of God just because they couldn't meet my expectations?   release.   I don't have a relationship with her, but it is not because of me anymore.   My expectation of her was that she would love me and we would be close friends.  When the lies came and she "disowned" my friendship,  I took offense. How shallow was I!?!  Love with expectations or motives or benefits is not love at all. That is a picture of human love and not the God kind.  All that means is that I didn't really love her either.  We're square.

Realizing what expectations are and deciding that I won't hold others accountable for my man-made rules has strengthened the relationships with so many people.  My marriage is so very sweet.  It is just amazing to live in a home without pressure.  I can even tolerate me better now.

I don't even have any qualms with a jerk at one of my facilities.  I simply accept that she only treats me that way because she must hurt on the inside.  I can't explain why, but I still really like her even if I do think it is a whole lot of fun to torture her with kindness.  It's real.  I'm not even "trying" to love her because I think I'm supposed to.  I do sincerely care about her. I don't expect kindness or anything from her,  so it is impossible for her to get me down.  I do have to admit that I smile on the inside when I see her squirm because I am unaffected by her tactics.  I even got a promotion once when she was trying to get me in trouble.  I believe that is what it means when the Bible says, "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord."   But anyway...

Everyday I determine that I accept my three little boys no matter what they do or who they are verses who I think they should be. That one is tough because we parents have a tendency to see our offspring as an extension of ourselves when really we are just the portal that got them here.  I can trust that in an atmosphere of love, they will grow to be good guys.  Everyday I learn to trust that God is the one responsible for them. The fewer expectations I place in the rearing factor, the more I see parenting as a gift to me.  It's beginning to be as fun parenting as it is to be an aunt!  You just love them and that's it.  It's so easy and fun to love a kid when you realize you are not ultimately responsible them.  At the end, the important thing will be that I enjoyed them and they knew it.

So now instead of a Bucket list, or a People-I-wish-would-kick-the-bucket-list, it is easier to enjoy this day and live in the present. Still got some kinks to work out, but oh how I enjoy my trophy life.




Okay.  A disclaimer before I make the top of somebody's unforgivness list.....
You're so vain if you probably think this post is about you.  I guarantee it's not.  Chick has never even lived in my state ever.   Don't get any ideas.  If you are reading this, you didn't make my list.   And even if by some chance someone who did happens to be reading this, it doesn't matter now anyway.  Pretty sure I tore that page out and burned it. How's that for a disclaimer? 
 

My Thoughts About Feelings

My goodness, I have a lot rolling around in me that wants to come out.  But this one has been in there a while.   I want to write about one of the most powerful, life-transforming, simple, and amazing revelations I have ever had, EVER.  (Powerful and simple in the same sentence?  Must be from the Most High.)

I thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY that the veil was removed.  I once was blind, but now I see.

I come from a past where emotion and feelings were considered a necessary evil as part of this human experience.  Emotional people were deemed second rate.  Those who could conquer emotions with rational thought were the kings, queens, examples, and leaders.  It is with a big sigh of relief and gratitude, that I can say that way of thinking is oh so contrary to the nature of our emotional God.

I never considered myself to be an emotional person.  The hubs cried more than I did when we first got married.  I guess he was the first one who started tearing down the walls of my perception on emotion.

It is simple.  So simple.  God made us with a feeler inside.  This is the natural state of our created being.  He gives us a brain to think with, but he gives us a heart to feel life.  It is when we depend on logic (right and wrong) to direct us instead of his nature (love....an EMOTION) within us that our perspective of his kingdom becomes skewed.

I called a friend for advice the other day.  Somebody had done something to me.  I was trying to place  their actions and my reaction to it into the "wrong box" or "right box."  She simply asked, "How did you feel when they said that?"  I'll tell you how I felt.  I felt yucky.  I felt like they were trying to manipulate me somehow and my response would be used to accomplish some sort of motive they had.  She said, "Well then, there's your answer."  And she was right.  I responded to the person with love for myself and for the person, nipped the situation in the bud, closed the book on that chapter.  I can love the person apart from their behavior because I recognize it as two separate things.  Can you see the difference?  In my old way of thinking I would have probably analyzed that situation passed dead. I would have lumped the person and their behavior into the same package.  I would have analyzed my heart and felt guilty for feeling negatively toward the person.    I would have assumed I was judging them by feeling like I was being used.  Blah!  Glad that messy way of thinking is over.  No need to analyze stuff any more.  Deal and move on. I wasted lots of brain cells, time, and energy analyzing life instead of enjoying it.

Thank God for feelings!    I saw a little girl with a rare condition on a talk show. She was born with an altered feeling sensation.  There are only like 30 cases in the United States.   Sounds cool on the front end.....never feel pain?  But guess what....she is developmentally delayed.  How can one learn to walk when they can't feel their legs properly?   Her parents have a terrible time keeping her safe and healthy.  There is a reason we don't gouge out our eye with a fork...it would hurt.  This precious child has no concept of that.  Apparently, it takes the ability to feel to be able to develop healthfully.  I unapologetically do not believe that pain in life has a purpose to teach us stuff. Please do not misunderstand me. Pain is not my instructor.  But in the same way the sense of touch causes us to develop physically, feeling and emotions produce healthful development of our soul.

So many times I doubted myself for feeling like I disagreed with what an authority figure said or did.  I discredited myself because I discredited my feelings.  I trusted an outside voice more than I listened to the still small voice within.  We have feelings, and they guide us.  When the top blew open off my heart, I began to see that my instincts served me well.   I revisited all those yucky feelings that I had had over the years and realized that God was speaking to me and I heard Him correctly. It didn't make me special. It made me SEE!   So many beliefs about doctrines, people, culture, or whatever, began finding a place within a proper perspective.  "Such and such is NOT a bad person like I was lead to believe."  "That is NOT the correct interpretation of that scripture, but this is what it means."  Those types of things. I began to see!

When I finally began to understand the Truth about feelings, I became teachable.  I've had more revelation about spiritual things come since I learned to feel than any other time in my life.  I trust my inner voice more than the voice of any man.  I can and am learning to "feel" people too.  I used to toss feelings of people aside and labeled it judgment.  I know what judgment is now, and it is not a feeling.  Judgment is something you do with your head...not your heart.    But when I "feel" that someone is not singing the same tune inside their heart as I am, I don't have to dance or even listen to their music.  I do not feel I am less or more than they are, we just are not in tune to the same thing and I wish them well.  There is a boundary within me that allows me to be courteous to them even though I do not allow them to cross into the safe place in my heart.  They do not get to speak into my life.  They can speak, but I won't hear.  It doesn't matter why I might have a negative feeling, I just recognize it and go on.  I don't have to analyze them or me.  I simply recognize we are not in harmony to each other and I move on. 

The same is true for "feeling" a pure heart.  I have been trying to practice with people at my work or even strangers I might encounter.  There is a lady I have been able to work with every now and then over the years.  I'm drawn to her.  I believe she is the real deal with a sweet heart. I try to really feel what she feels behind her words so I can learn something.  I have learned much about how to love and treat people from her nature.  She didn't have to say it when she was trying to take on too much to prevent me from being overworked.  I FELT it.  So when she volunteered to take some of my responsibilities, I refused and told her I would be happy to do it.  Only after that, she vocalized her true feelings.  She was thankful and told me that she felt bad for asking me to do so much on short notice.  She was relieved when I happily volunteered.

When I have a chance to look into the eyes of people, I try to see what I can see.  It is almost always light.  Without saying a word I try to impart some life and maybe even learn from theirs.  A brief moment of sharing light makes the whole day a little brighter.  This is coming alive to me more and more.  Everyone has those moments when we are thinking something then someone close to us says it aloud.  Or we have a song in our head and someone starts singing it.  We began a sentence and someone else finishes our thought.  But the other day something extraordinary happened.  I thought something.  Wayne answered.  Then I answered again and we didn't say anything at all.  That brief conversation was communicated by feeling.  We spoke about that later and that is how I know he felt it too.  I do believe that is exactly what heaven is like.  Thoughts and feelings are as vocal and spoken words.

I love the quote by Bob Marley that I read the other day, "Some people feel the rain, others just get wet."  That is so true.  There is a little exercise on one of my workout videos.  It is a little voodoo, but I love it truly.  It means, "The light in me acknowledges the light in you."   I do it to my five-year-old a lot when I look at him.  He knows what it means.  When I'm loving on my boys, I will ask them, "Can you feel it?  Can you feel love on the inside?"  I want them to learn what love feels like and acknowledge with their brains what it feels like.  I want them to be able to express with their words or even drawings what they feel on the inside.    I never want them to doubt their God-breathed instincts because of the voice of another even if it is mine.

Discrediting feelings makes us numb to the ways of God's kingdom.  Living by logic is eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  Even if the fruit is a good, it still leads to death. Eve thought the fruit looked good to eat.  Logic always seems appetizing and nutritious.  We can only know Truth by feeling.   And as for Jesus....what a precious emotional being!   I always wondered why the passage says Jesus knew Simon's thoughts when the woman came in to wash His feet.  Simon didn't say anything, but Jesus corrected him verbally.  It always puzzled me because is that not what teachers say judgment is?  Assuming you know the motives/intentions/thoughts/whatever of another person?  No!  Jesus FELT correctly, and he put him in his place.  We all know he loved him, but there is no place for darkness in the presence of light especially when the self worth of the pure-hearted is on the line.  I love Him even more for that! His words were an act of love toward the woman as well as for Simon.  That perspective Simon had of his "sister" would only reap death in his heart eventually.  Jesus was trying to correct him up to life.  And besides that, how many times in the Bible does it say, "Jesus was lead with compassion."  Hello?  Is compassion something you feel or something you are taught with your brain?  I understand the whole walk by faith and not by sight thing so much better now.   People still believe faith is something that happens with your brain.  Nope.  Faith has eyes that see by feeling.  It's an instinct.  A knowing.  Do you really think the still small voice of the Lord is in words?  No.  He always communicates in revelation and we interpret it into English words. Revelation is like a picture.  That is why it is so hard to communicate its fullness to other people with our words.  That is also why Jesus spoke to the people in parables....so they would catch the revelation with their heart instead of their brains!  OH MY GOOD GOD!  The senses of the heart are more real and powerful than any physical sense.  Let's strengthen those!

I still have a lot to learn, but I am able to recognize more what I'm "understanding" with...my head or my heart.  I see it like a light switch.  Is the switch pointed up to my head?  or down to my heart?  The light is ON when the switch is down.  So many times I thought someone was speaking Truth just because it resonated with things I had learned with my head.  Now I am better at  feeling the vibrations with things God placed in my heart. If it doesn't resonate with my heart, I shelf it and let the Holy Spirit teach me what to do with it or discard it if I know it is trash already. So the things I've said about feeling...does that resonate with your heart?  If not....that's okay and you will know what to do with it. 

I do want to live the rest of my life feeling the rain.