Life With Boys Part 1

I think very often about my life and how it is probably different from at least half of the world. I have boys. Boy oh Boy! I was raised with two brothers. My dad is a great dad. I'm married to a grown-up boy. But now I see that being a mom to boys is a world I was not really prepared for, as if one could be prepared for any sort of parenting. I have come to realize that any household where the female species is outnumbered by at least two males is a much different environment to one where the genders are equal or there are more females. When my boys were smaller, it used to aggravate me that people would stop me and say things like, "Three boys? I bet you have your hands full." or "I raised three boys too. I feel for you, Mama." I heard a whole lot with a pat on the back: "There is a special place in heaven for a mom with three boys." Although I liked that last one, I would think they didn't really know what they were talking about. I knew my boys were good and just as active as any other kid, girl or boy. When I only had two of them, my mom gave me a quote to put on my wall that says, "Boys: n. A noise with dirt on it." I thought it was cute, but at the time when they were just little toddlers, it didn't really mean anything. Um.....now I know! All three of my boys are still preschool, but they can all walk and talk very well. I understand more of why others felt the need to pat me on the back. They are all three still really good, but they are bigger, heavier, more active, and sweat testosterone. The more boys you have, the more the boy-ness is compounded in the next boy and it becomes this strange snowball effect of testosterone. It is puzzling how this happens, but I can tell you I am experiencing an avalanche.

I. HAVE. BOYS! ...and I love it.

Aren't they cuties!

I do sometimes wonder if Father God thought it would be really funny to give me three little boys without a teenage girl first, but like I tell my boys, "You get what you get and don't throw a fit." Oh how I wish I had a teenage girl, even better would be one around nine or ten. It's okay though because I have good ones that I rent from time to time. Wayne is home with them now while I get to work and that is blessing for both of us. Life now is just what the doctor ordered. I can see how and why he set things in motion for our life in this moment. This switch-a-roo has been the best thing for our whole family. I am very thankful. I can already see a difference in all of us.

These are a few things I have learned so far about bringing up boys:

1. Boys really are dirty and loud. My boys even color loud. (Is that possible? I assure it is reality.)

2. Boys run and don't walk.

3. Boys are born with a natural ability for sound effects with their mouths that include but are not limited to all motors, guns, passing gas, and trains.

4. Oh, You are one of those moms who don't believe in buying your boys toy weapons? You can forget that, because they literally don't need them. There are plenty of regular household items that make guns, swords, and a plethora of other fun weapons. Guns are made from things like bananas, 3D alphabet letters("F" is a perfect gun if you hold it horizontally,) and really elaborate guns with multiple barrels are easily constructed from tinker toys. Swords? You name it. Umbrellas, curtain rods, and wooden spoons... Well of course you can't have a sword without a shield! No problem. Trash can and pot lids. Very often I go upstairs to the weapon arsenal A.K.A lower bunk bed stripped from all bedding and loaded with weapons of all shapes and sizes strategically placed. Gasp! Do you teach them this? ....nope. Boys are born with this.

5. Boys speak a unique language. We often get to use fun vocabulary words in everyday conversation such as, "Portal, vortex, secret-passage-way, booby trap, butt-ticks, and bungle." (Bungle is actually a bad word they made up that we think means, "bung hole.")

6. NEVER, and I mean NEVER, buy a new couch.

7. Invest stock in Magic Erasers. Use them to clean up the messes you can. Treasure the memories of the ones you can't. From personal experience I can tell you that these little cleaning devices even work on faces. Yes...I have used a magic eraser on a face. It was an emergency. When Luke was two-years-old, he decided he needed to use a permanent red marker to draw stripes on his face just before we were headed out for something important where permanent red on the face would be disastrous. It even went across his eye-lid. I tried all the gentle stuff first. Soap would not touch it. I even tried alcohol to no avail. So I pulled out the magic eraser. I rubbed it on my face first and it felt ok. It took the red right off, and he never complained once. I guess I wouldn't make a habit of it, but in emergencies, you got to do what you got to do.

8. Boys love their mamas, but they need their dads or a least some significant boy time with a grown up who understands how they think. My boys have a great dad, fantastic grandfathers, and really cool and fun uncles.

9. It's a good thing I read "Bringing Up Boys" by Dobson. I really didn't love that book, but I did learn some valuable things about being a boy mama. I'm sure Dr. James is a nice guy and has helped a whole lot of peep, but this book was a real Debbie Downer. I guess we all walk in the light that we have, but parts of this book literally made feel guilty for bringing a child into this world. That was unnecessary in my opinion. However, I did learn something very important. Boys go through two developmental stages whereas girls go through one. Girls and boys both go through puberty, but boys go through one between ages 18 months or so to five years (I think) where they make a mental separation that they are different from their moms and begin to identify more with the males they are around. All three of mine are in this age. What a blessing that their dad is willing to stay home with them during this time. There has been a huge difference in our little guys since the big guy took on the primary parent role.

10. Boys can only think about one thing at a time. If they are busy and do not respond to your voice, touch them and speak. They literally may not hear you. They are wired differently.

11. Don't try to tell two or more stories at one time. You just confuse and frustrate them. Their brains do not multitask like girl's brains. You'll just end up trying to explain yourself or repeat both the stories again separately. Just simplify stories the first time to save you all the trouble.

12. If it can be climbed on, it will be climbed on. If it is impossible to climb, it will also be climbed on.

13. Boys are confident to accessorize their outfits and costumes. Machine guns in their underwear. Capes and rain boots any time. Swords always, even when they have nothing on but a bath towel. One time we were about to eat spaghetti for supper and Jack insisted on putting on different clothes. I didn't want this because I knew whatever he wore would get sauce all over it. I thought he might as well wear the dirty one that he had on. But I allowed him to change. When he returned to the table, he was shirtless, sporting a sword tucked in his pants, a Spiderman web launcher on one wrist, shin guards, wrist guard, and elbow guards, 9 jelly bracelets, and a camouflage hat.

14. Everything and I mean everything is a train or can be converted easily to one. Sound effects, remember, are included in the boy.

15. "Punch" is quality time for the male species and must be done shirtless with socks on the hands. And you have to say, "ding, ding" before the first punch in thrown. It occurs on the king-sized mattress with all bedding piled into the floor around the bed.

16. Sometimes there literally are not words I can find to say and all that I can muster to come out is, "Aaaaaaaah!"

17. The dryer makes an excellent hiding spot.

18. Everything is a competition. When I say everything I mean everything. Even the day a person was born. According to my boys, Ben has a better birthday because he was born on July 22, and 22 is bigger than June 3 or October 12. ...I'm not kidding.

19. Apparently, boys never stop growing. If you are 60, you are "bigger" than someone who is 40. This is very important to four-year-olds in ways I cannot explain.

20. A king bed is not big enough.

21. Expect the unexpected like matchbox cars in your lab coat pocket. Name writing practice on nutritional assessments. Treasure map drawings on that bill you were fixing to mail. Toothpicks in the cracks of tables. Any small item you've misplaced for weeks will be under the seat of a riding toy. Or my personal favorite...Mr. Potato Head's arm in the electrical socket. Oh. My. Gosh!

22. Cranky. Noun. Messed up or imperfect. As in, "The creased paper is cranky." or "Jack made my bed cranky, and I already made it up."

23. Brothers LOVE. They are only an average of 18 months apart. They are very close. They might get mad at each other, but they love each other more than they love anything. Watching them is a sight to behold and lesson for sure.

24. Boys make up games that mamas do not find funny. Seriously, sometimes I just have to leave the room. Wayne taught them how to spray the wood floor with a little furniture polish and slide with sock feet. (I'm cuss-laughing under my breath.) "Oh it was safe before you got home. We slid into pillows and blankets."

25. Boys jump and swing on everything, but especially other people. It was cute and hardly noticeable when they were just little toddlers. Now that the combined weight is over a hundred pounds, I have to stay on my toes. If I bend down to pick up something off the floor, I can most likely expect at least one of them to pounce on my back. Never turn your back to a boy who is on a higher elevation than you are. Be ready if they are above you on the stairs coming down. Oh they'll get you when you least expect it.

26. Boys teach you how to let things go and just enjoy life. Just what I needed.

27. It doesn't matter how old the boy gets. Farts are ALWAYS funny. So funny in fact they will lose their breath laughing. In fact, the funniest thing on the planet is anything that has to do with bodily functions.

This precious laughy picture was made possible because Ben ripped a big loudy just as Jack laid his head down on his rear.

28. Nothing is sweeter than a little boy snuggle bug. One time I was woken up because Luke gave me a kiss as he was snuggling in our bed. I couldn't even tell who it was until I asked the next morning.

29. "More Powerful" is used to define rank. For example, Daddy is more powerful than Mama. Luke is more powerful than Ben. Jack is more powerful than the bug.

30. "A little bit fast" means slow.
"A little bit loud" means quiet.

31. Boys just know how to sword fight, upper cut, and be crass. Teaching is required to undo these things.

32. Boys know how to do things I don't understand how or why. Like, Why did Luke tell me that I needed to get gasoline to help me get the paint off counter?

33. "Superheros go to weddings."

34. Expect on-purpose tumbles and falls complete with sound effects and exaggerated movements like you might see in a animated cartoon. This is done for personal satisfaction of the boy, and an offering of entertainment for the observer. Kramer is an over sized five-year-old.

35. No matter where you are, they will find the race track. Running in circles through rooms and around furniture is just part of the daily routine and as natural as breathing.

36. Boys are worth it. They are my greatest teacher.