The Unforgiveness List

Some people make a bucket list...you know, the things you want to do before you die.  I'm sure there are some things I would like to do before I kick the bucket, but there is nothing I would rather do than just be present.  I don't want live today with my mind in the past.  I don't want to live today wishing for the future.  I just want to live.  It has taken me a while to even learn what "being present" or "resting" is.   

It's get REAL time.  I'm gonna lay it down.  I'm gonna strap it on.  Hopefully my realness tonight won't embarrass me in the morning....

There are some things that keep us from enjoying the present.  (LIFE thieves.)  One of the biggies is bitterness and of course unforgiveness.  I have most of my bad memories hidden on social media, but every now and then I will catch a whiff of one.  If I'm not in my right mind when the scent comes along, I take a big bite out of bitterness.  Of course the only way to alleviate the flavor is by savoring forgivness.  Honestly, it makes no sense to even lay claim to a "bad apple."  After all, the only reason forgiving another seems difficult is because I find it difficult to forgive myself.  Someday, everybody's eyes will be open and we will see that it was nothing but a bad dream. It will eventually all come out in the wash. I don't want to waste brain cells on imaginary discrepancies.  But for now, while my "opinions" are tied to this body, I bump noggins with people from time to time.   I would like to act super pious here and tell you that I have forgiven everyone who ever sinneth against me, but the fact is I haven't fully yet.  I do know enough to know that when I free them, I will free myself.  It is I who keeps me bound.

One day, I caught a whiff of a "bad apple" and it didn't smell pretty.  It resurrected some manure that I thought I had gotten rid of.   It was a big, old, deep, smelly pile of stink, and I landed face first in it.  It was ripe, and I was bitter.  After a few hours of unhappiness I decided I was being ridiculous and was ready to do some deep cleaning.   I doubted there was a big enough shovel.

I've got this prayer journal that I hate calling a prayer journal..  Well, I guess that is what it is...I decided about two years ago to finally get a prayer journal when I realized that I could make it whatever I wanted it to be.  My prayer journal just happens to be my place where I can write out things from my heart that I would only want God to hear.  Sometimes it is little ponders of life that reflect snippets of intimacy with our creator. (yeah! sounds good right?)  Well, most times I just smear the pages with stench.  When I write, it sort of bypasses my brain in a way that brings healing to my soul.  Anyway, I decided that only God should know about all the people I was wishing would float far far away to Neverland.  (Like he didn't know already.)  The truth is, I was the one who didn't know.  So I made my list of people that I needed to forgive. It was longer than I thought it would be. And I sang my little "Everybody done me wrong" song. (Oh my goodness, I just realized as I typed that some psychopaths make lists but mine was for a totally different purposes I promise!)  Anyway, I made my list then I circled, starred, drew lines around, and highlighted the names of the people who REALLY ticked me off.    I felt a little better after I admitted it on paper, but no healing yet.

There was one chick I had highlighted, but I really didn't understand why.  So I asked the heavens, "Why in the world do I hold a grudge against this girl?"  Really she hadn't done anything to me except believe lies that were told and try to "punish" me with her silence.  We actually had a lot in common.  I've even thought before, "Wow, I would really like her if she wasn't such a butt head."  I think what I was really mad at was the fact that the only reason I had any discord with her in the first place was because I first see her "flaws" in myself.  BOOOOOOOO!  I did not want to admit that!  I get disgusted when I see how she treats people, but it is exactly the same way I used to treat people.  If I still lived in a world of thinking like she does, I would be her same person. I already knew it....to release is to be released.  To see them as they really are is to also see myself in the light.  It's one in the same.  It was time to release so I could be free, but I still held on... 

So a little time passed and the answer finally rose up within me.  The reason I had unforgiveness in my heart toward her (toward them all)  is because I placed expectations on her that were just unrealistic and unfair and she didn't live up to them.  Actually any expectations on anyone are unrealistic and unfair.  Expectations are nothing but a law I make up and inflict on someone who never wanted or deserved it.  They'll fail.  They will always fall below our imaginary standards and the worst part is that it damages our relationship with them.  Sad.  So I would miss out on a relationship with a child of God just because they couldn't meet my expectations?   release.   I don't have a relationship with her, but it is not because of me anymore.   My expectation of her was that she would love me and we would be close friends.  When the lies came and she "disowned" my friendship,  I took offense. How shallow was I!?!  Love with expectations or motives or benefits is not love at all. That is a picture of human love and not the God kind.  All that means is that I didn't really love her either.  We're square.

Realizing what expectations are and deciding that I won't hold others accountable for my man-made rules has strengthened the relationships with so many people.  My marriage is so very sweet.  It is just amazing to live in a home without pressure.  I can even tolerate me better now.

I don't even have any qualms with a jerk at one of my facilities.  I simply accept that she only treats me that way because she must hurt on the inside.  I can't explain why, but I still really like her even if I do think it is a whole lot of fun to torture her with kindness.  It's real.  I'm not even "trying" to love her because I think I'm supposed to.  I do sincerely care about her. I don't expect kindness or anything from her,  so it is impossible for her to get me down.  I do have to admit that I smile on the inside when I see her squirm because I am unaffected by her tactics.  I even got a promotion once when she was trying to get me in trouble.  I believe that is what it means when the Bible says, "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord."   But anyway...

Everyday I determine that I accept my three little boys no matter what they do or who they are verses who I think they should be. That one is tough because we parents have a tendency to see our offspring as an extension of ourselves when really we are just the portal that got them here.  I can trust that in an atmosphere of love, they will grow to be good guys.  Everyday I learn to trust that God is the one responsible for them. The fewer expectations I place in the rearing factor, the more I see parenting as a gift to me.  It's beginning to be as fun parenting as it is to be an aunt!  You just love them and that's it.  It's so easy and fun to love a kid when you realize you are not ultimately responsible them.  At the end, the important thing will be that I enjoyed them and they knew it.

So now instead of a Bucket list, or a People-I-wish-would-kick-the-bucket-list, it is easier to enjoy this day and live in the present. Still got some kinks to work out, but oh how I enjoy my trophy life.




Okay.  A disclaimer before I make the top of somebody's unforgivness list.....
You're so vain if you probably think this post is about you.  I guarantee it's not.  Chick has never even lived in my state ever.   Don't get any ideas.  If you are reading this, you didn't make my list.   And even if by some chance someone who did happens to be reading this, it doesn't matter now anyway.  Pretty sure I tore that page out and burned it. How's that for a disclaimer?