Today's Letters

This is in honor of a cute new blog called “Today's Letters,” that my bud Kristen told me about. Thanks, Kristen. (You said I could thank you later.) www.todaysletters.com

Dear Ms. Rosey Downer from the Library, I'm sorry your back hurts. A trip over the speed bump will not likely hurt anything but her pride. Roofing companies have trained professionals. It is more likely they will be killed by a donkey than fall off your roof. It was nice to meet you.

Dear husband, I sort of like it when you sleep on the pull-out. Not only do you get more restful sleep, but I like explaining to people you are not in trouble. p.s. I'm having an affair with the guy on the couch. (wink)

Dear Blind Man, Although I'm sure you have forgotten all about it and would not know me if you saw me on the street, I am still sorry about your mailbox.
Dear mailbox, May you rest in pieces.

Dear Oakley Grace, You are the most expensive free thing we ever got. Please quit visiting the neighbors. They like their shoes, hammers, and cell phones where they are.

Dear Brother, Your birthday comic was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If I wasn't Amish, I would post it on-line. Hope you can come see it hanging on my refrigerator soon.

Dear Homeless, Jobless, Helpy-Helperton, I almost laughed out loud when you said the degree-less, “six years of college did you a world of good.” I'm glad your cup is half-full. Good luck finding a job.

Dear Sierra, You are a gift and are gifted. As you grow, you will be able to see things and know things that others do not. Don't worry, I already told your mom. I pray you still remember heaven on your 90th birthday as clearly as you do now. I hope you will be a good baby and an even better teenager.
Dear Sierra's Mom, You are a perfect of example of looks being deceiving. Don't be afraid, the delivery will be fine. Every time I use my fancy new file folders, I will think of you. I hope to bump into you while buying office supplies again sometime. p.s. That is not a method.

Dear calculator, You are my favorite invention next to electricity and indoor toilets. It makes me happy when I know you are near.

Dear people walking down the street styling the 80s do, I have a PRESENT for you.

Dear Dollar Store Lady, You didn't think I was funny, but I had a good time telling you anyway.

Dear Tee Ball, You are my favorite sport of all time. Please never grow up.

Dear Football commentators, I will not comment on how you make me feel. It should be enough knowing that I am one of the 25% of people who hate you.

Dear Oreos, It was very nice knowing you.

Dear Worship Leader, Sometimes when you are leading, people will say things to me like, “You are married to that.” and I'm like, “Yep.”

Dear English, Thank you for the words, “Smote,” “Crevice,” and “Holla.” I love them.

Dear Nursing home Resident, If we can hear you yell, “I'm dead.” Then you aren't.

Dear My Three Sons, My most favorite thing about you being little is your multiple daily superhero costumes. Your tax-deducting super powers came to mommy and daddy's rescue.
Dear 1st born, You are just what we wanted. No, you will not be allowed drive when you are five, but I love that you think you can.
Dear 2nd born, You are our Love. It is my favorite when you describe people like, “That fat Mama.” or “The man with the hair do.” I love that you love your pink kitty, your babies, and food better than anyone I know.
Dear 3rd born, You are the best surprise we ever got. For you to be able to be such a little bumpkin, fart on command, and know it is funny is a real treat.

Dear Saint Sister-in-law, It makes me very happy that you even felt sorry for me 25 years ago when you had to live with him. No one else could understand like you do. You're the best.

Dear GPS, Tennessee is number one in the nation and possibly the world for our fantastic roads, and you show them fairly accurately on your screen. But according to you, we drowned on our trip to Kentucky.

Dear Nicole, Our Friday night, married, double dates were a highlight of my life. I miss your laugh and married hair.

Dear Blogspot, I know you had us Amish little people in mind. Thank you from the deepest part of this techno-illiterate blogger.

Dear Jilly B. a.k.a Mrs. Robinson, You always have been my favorite and not just because of your word usage and sentence structure. However, that is my most favorite thing in this world. I pray all your baby girls will speak your language and have your cheeks.

Dear Jack Bauer, Thank you for your service. I feel safer knowing you were out there for eight seasons.

Dear Author of that really awesome housecleaning book, When I see you in heaven, I will plant a big sloppy kiss smack on your lips. p.s. I love you even more because you are chubby.

Dear Fast food restaurant, decapitated toy, I promise to lose some weight, but I don't think that will prevent your friends from disaster. You guys just aren't made that well. Please don't take it personally. I'm really not prejudice against little guys who abide with French fried potatoes.

Dear Baby Daddy, When you read, “Wiggle Waggle” in the voice of the hippo, it is very sexy.