Journaling From Pity to Peace

When I used to read certain Psalms, I always wondered why the author sounded so bipolar. It would start out with either positive or negative words but by the end of the psalm, it would be just the opposite as if they changed their mind right in the middle of the thought. Well, I recently experienced this seemingly-crazy phenomenon as I wrote in my journal about pity and how God changed my mind right in the middle of it to bring me peace.

I started a “prayer” journal in March. I have always kept a journal, but I was in complete rebellion about having a “Prayer” Journal just because so many who “knew more than I did” said I should keep a prayer journal and it sounded so churchy. I finally started this journal because it was birthed in me from the Holy Spirit to do so. I must honestly say, I wish I would have many years ago. I used to use my journal as my own private vent and therapy session. Writing was my way of dumping out the clutter in my heart and then I could see the mess clearly to organize and keep the good stuff and dispose of the junk. I would occasionally write down a conversation between my Father and me. But this year, I decided to purpose my journal on the conversations I have with Father. There is an occasional vent session, but mostly I can look back and see how something came up in conversation and then weeks or months later, it comes to pass. It is a sort of like how a staff was marked to remember what God had done in the Old Testament. I don't write everyday, but I wish I could make more time too. It seems to accelerate revelation in my heart when I sit down to write what I hear him say to me.

So this is how he used my journal as a tool to drive me from my pity party back into his marvelous light. I've decided to exactly retype what I wrote. Remember, this is sort of like a brainstorm from my heart...a heart-storm, so it might sound a little strange. This is a big deal for me because in thirteen years of journaling, I think I have only ever shared one entry with one person. **Sigh**

A little background first...
The night before I wrote, I got some “news” that I didn't think affected me, but when I woke up the next morning, I was in a total funk. I was feeling depressed and did not even want to get out of bed. I wouldn't have gotten up except I had three little boys who needed a mom. No mental health days off for parents. It was necessary for me to buck up and be responsible instead of soak in my pity. Besides that, pity is also not allowed in our home. If our boys start to get into pity-mode, they are quickly jolted out of it. We use various methods to drive away that way of thinking. Sometimes we recognize their whining as sleepiness, and they just go to bed until they are “happy.” This works well, but sometimes I can just point my finger in their nose and pretty much tell it to go away. Sometimes we make them give us a verbal list of things they are thankful for. They really don't like that one, but it works EVERY SINGLE TIME even if they end up listing 20-30 things. Being thankful when our flesh isn't in the mood requires us to swallow our pride. It is almost comical to see the inner struggle unless of course it is you that are having to do the swallowing. It is also funny because we can see the effects of our anti-pity talks at random times. We'll be riding down the road and all the sudden one of our boys will start saying things like, “Some little boys don't have car seats. Some little boys don't have grass. Some little boys don't get to go to El Tap.” So besides feeling irresponsible, I was feeling a bit hypocritical. I knew I could never demand our boys to get over their pity party, if I was not willing to do the same. So I called Wayne. He was no help. (*smile*) How could he be? He wouldn't make me list 55 things I'm thankful for. I finally decided to get help from Father and felt lead to write in my journal. This is exactly, word for word what came up.

March 9, 2011
Refine me. I want your Spirit in me to overpower my flesh---my bitterness, depression, fault-finding in others, fault-finding in our home, fault-finding in me. You are the shelter from myself. The drama of the past calls to me trying to pull me back down. I want to mature in you to a place I am strong where those thoughts, accusations, injustices “ping” off me. Where I don't even notice. I know I've been there before. Take me back. Help me keep my eyes on the goal and not even entertain temptations of self-pity. Who do I think I am that I can feel like I deserve pity? --It feels good because so many have come against us. I can't stand the fighting and knit picking from people. Make it stop. We're caught in the middle. We've learned stuff. ---You've taught us stuff----made lemonade from lemons. Being in self pity is pride because I feel like I was/am right and I was done wrong. It justifies me to myself. It draws for people to be on my side. It's divisive.---”You are either for me or against me.” I do not want my flesh to be allowed to be strengthened in this area. I want my Spirit to overpower. I want to be a life-giver not a life-sucker. I want people to feel they have had an encounter with the almighty after a conversation with me. I can't have both---the life and the pity. I will CHOOSE LIFE. I will cast down all lies that I am something I'm not (deserving of pity, right in my own strength, a victim.) and I will believe that I AM. (I am right in Jesus. He justifies me. He is for me. I humble myself to his life. I can do all things.) Today is a good and blessed day. My children are gifts. We own our home. Wayne is awesome and my biggest gift. I am loved. I am loved by a mighty King who is also my dad. I have family who love me. I have friends who love me. We are all in the same boat. I'm not alone. I've been there. I won't judge, but I can be an example of life to them. No agendas---just there if needed. God's grace in my life is influence and an example enough. I don't have to “be” anything. I am enough. I will just be. I will think only on Philippians 4:7-9 stuff today. I will pray in Spirit. I will love on my kids and whatever gets done will get done. Whatever doesn't, doesn't. Ahhh....I'm better. God is so good. (This is fun. I like my new journal plan.)

It ended up being a great day.

I will try to describe the revelation I learned regarding self-pity after this session writing in my journal. I never realized this before....Self-pity is divisive. It is a mindset that draws a line in the sand. “If you do not agree with me, then you do not feel for me as I feel for me. If you do not cross the line where I am, then you are not on my side. Therefore if you are not for me, you are against me.” I mentally erased the line that morning---pity is the line. And therefore I had no reason to think anyone was against me. When the line was erased, everyone became on my team, and I became for everyone. Bringing your pity or offense to someone's attention forces them to make a choice. If they choose not to come to your pity party, then they are not on your team. “I can only be in a relationship with you, if you adopt my perspective.” It is a form of manipulation. This is witchcraft. We are deceived if we think the things we make in our life are powerless. We were made in the image of God. Our thoughts are powerful even if the power is destructive.

We may not have a line drawn and willing to love everyone despite differences of opinions, but if they have one drawn, they see us as opposing them. Since that day in March, I know how to handle myself from drawing those lines of pity and offense. However I'm still learning how to handle myself when others draw the line forcing me away. Right now, I think that means loving from a distance. I just have to be content, and know that there is nothing I can do to change them. This still seems to be peace. It also means, that when others finally erase their line then there will be restoration of relationship because there are no more imaginary boundaries keeping relationships apart.