(The names have been changed to protect the innocent...)
I have a darling little sister. She is extra cute and always has been. She is creative, popular, talented, gives good advice, and smart (but often keeps that one undercover.) She is extremely perceptive, exceptionally funny, and a whole lot of fun. She teaches high school and is exceptionally good at it even though she is smaller and looks younger than her students. She will say things that no one else on the planet would dare utter, and not only get away with it, but people think it is so stinkin' cute. She is a good girl and a blessing to our family. She makes and has made great decisions. She learned from the hard knocks of older siblings. She is the youngest of five, and thinks my parents stopped having us when they got to perfection. I think they would agree. Oh yeah, she is spoiled, but she knows it and doesn't take it for granted. She is the type of girl most people would like to be. But after the story I am about to tell you, you might not think so.
She married a man I love for her to love. He is so perfectly opposite of her. He does strange and highly unusual things like puts his keys in the same place every time. He uses his manners when it is not even expected. He is very aware of people and honors them. He could win awards for his gift wrapping and barely uses any tape. His smarts are not undercover. He is respectable. Everything he does is A++. His side of the closet is perfectly organized. He washes and organizes her cake-decorating supplies for which she is highly appreciative. Then he says things like, “You can thank me by keeping them this way.” If she is a prize, then he definitely deserves one.
They bought a house. It's a really nice home, and they are working so hard to make their new yard their own. It was her spring break, and he also took off some days. It was their anniversary and also great weather to spruce up the lawn. They hired a guy to help with the landscaping who was less than professional. The following is something of his conversations with her husband.
“Did you know the people who owned this house before you? This is Molly's house!”
“Yes, Molly and Andrew. We are actually really good friends with them. They are in Sunday School with us.”
“Yeah, Molly is so hot!”
(You get the picture....They planned for him to make a sketch of the yard sometime that week.)
So Darling Little Sister's efforts in the yard lead to a severe breaking out all over her body. It was so severe that she could wear nothing touching her skin.
She wore the baggiest pair of sweatpants she could find. She also had not “changed the oil,” as our dad would say, so her greasy pony tail made her look as if she had bald spots all over her head. Her face was also broken out so makeup was out of the question. She looked as miserable as she felt. The landscape man showed up to complete his sketches. She was standing away from his conversation with her husband. She felt she needed to release some gas. The wind seemed to be blowing in a favorable direction. They would never know, so she let it go.
The sound of the trumpet was so loud it vibrated her baggy sweats-covered butt cheeks. Everything got silent. Hubby just turned and looked at her. Then the landscape man says, “Well, I've been here before. This is Molly's house. I think I can just draw up something.” and left without walking around the yard. Then she says to her husband, “You heard that?”
So this brings me to my favorite thing about my sister. She is not afraid to be herself, laughs at herself, and enjoys making other people laugh at her expense. We sure do a lot of laughing.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My Side of Our Story
I really like my other half. He's the best. (Must be said in the voice of Nacho.) We've learned some stuff about marriage that makes this Trophy Life. I intend to share a lot about those things in the future, so I think it would only be proper to first share our how-we-hooked-up story. I love this story! This is sincerely how I remember the events that occurred over 12.5 years ago...
I have had a crush on him since the third grade. He was one year older than me and in the classroom of my best friend's mom. When I would ride home with her after school, I remember stories she would tell us about him. I had a crush on the idea of him. He was a best friend of my first cousin who was also in his class. I watched him grow up from a distance. The more I learned about him, the more infatuated I became.
When he was a sophomore, he went on a school trip to Europe with mom and brother. After the trip, my mom came back singing his praises and had so many stories to tell about how much he added to their enjoyment of the trip. I remember my little brother saying, “I wouldn’t mind if you married him.” But at that time, marriage and even dating was the farthest thing from my mind. Not ever considering the possibility of having a relationship with him, I went about my growing pains. Everyone I dated knew I had a “thing” for him. He intrigued me, but I never pursued him perhaps because I couldn’t imagine myself with him.
The Most Embarrassing Day of My Life...
My Junior year, one of my dear friends had a chemistry class with him. She had overheard a conversation between he and his friend. His friend wanted to ask this girl out, but only as double date. My friend told him he should ask me out because I had liked him forever. My friend came to tell me as soon as her class was over. I was nervous and excited and mortified and thrilled at the same time. What if he did ask me out? I didn’t think I could handle it because I get so tongue-tangled whenever he came around. I had never even spoken to him before. If he did ask me, I thought it would just be as a favor to her and because he needed to find someone for the double date anyway. I didn’t really think he would be interested in me, but just the thought of getting a chance to know him was too great to think about. But what if he asked me for Saturday night?
There was one major problem. I had recently had a tough break up with a boy and were still “trying to be friends.” (Yeah right! That NEVER works!!!) We had an “outing” planned on Saturday night. Our “date” was going to consist of a visit to his farm. His horse had recently given birth, and I had never seen a newborn foal before. Then we were going to go out to eat and to the movies. Because my friend/date knew about my major crush (just as everyone did at school), I asked him if we could postpone our date if he asked me out for Saturday night. He said that if I broke our date, he would never speak to me again. Because it was rather rude of me to consider breaking my plans, and because he was such a good friend, and I thought there would be no future with the amazing guy because I didn’t think I was his type, I decided that I would not break my date if asked.
That week I tried my best to avoid being asked out so there would be no chance he would ask me for Saturday night. But one day, during lunch, I was walking through the hall trying to hide behind my friends. He was sitting in the floor along the wall with his ENTIRE class who were all Seniors. My first cousin was sitting beside him on the floor. He yelled my name and motioned for me to come. I panicked. (To say I panicked is an understatement. My mind totally went away. I immediately began to get nervous, but I walked over there and squatted down beside him. (Can you say, DORK! I squatted!) I was thinking about the words I would answer if he asked, “Would you like to go out sometime?” or “Would you like to go out Saturday?” With the most part of his senior class listening and my friends watching from a distance, he asked, “WHAT are you doing Saturday night?” I had not prepared for this question. In a matter of seconds thousands of possible answers flooded my mind. I wanted to answer him literally, but why did he have to use the words “What are you doing?” I definitely had plans but I didn’t want to say “I have plans” because he might want me to be more detailed. I didn’t want him to know I have another date because he might ask me who with. I didn’t want to tell him that I am going to the movies because he might say, “Why don’t you go with me?” What could I say that would be completely honest without leading into more questions and that wouldn’t make me feel like I was exposing myself to the entire senior class. I answered him quickly and honestly, “I have to go see a horse.” Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I will never forget the look on my cousin’s face and the gasps of all the seniors that sat on the floor. As soon as the words left my lips, I felt like I wanted to die. I couldn’t think of anything else to say or do, so I just got up and hurried away.
Everyday from that moment on, that memory haunted my mind. I had missed my chance to know him and I had acted so stupidly. I never felt bad for him because I thought it didn’t really matter to him if I said yes or not. Seriously he could have had any girl even though he doesn't believe me. Girls talk. I was completely humiliated in front of everyone who watched me that day and I did nothing to redeem myself because I thought it would be impossible to do so. I did go on my date, but the entire time I was thinking about him. Years later I found out that it crushed him(of course) and he didn’t ask anyone else out for the double date which meant the other guy and girl also never got together.
I continued through the rest of my high school career regretting the day I turned him down. I dated other people but kept up with what he was doing as I always had. He was still good friends with my cousin and I was friends with other girls he dated. I was extremely jealous of my friends he dated.
Recovery Attempts...
After my freshman year of college, I had been dating someone for three years, but at this time we were “seeing other people.” I still had a big crush and still regretted the “horse” deal severely. My cousin and he were in a band together. My Pen Pal from Germany had come to spend three months with me. I kept finding myself in situations near him. My cousin invited her to come to some gigs they were playing so we often heard him play. I also figured out that he checked his e-mail in a computer lab near my 9:00 class. I often skipped class just for the chance to “bump” into him. Sometimes I would try to hang around my cousin and his group of friends for a possible lunch invitation that never happened. When I became single, I made it a point to announce my relationship status in conversations I thought he might overhear. My efforts were in vain. School ended, and I never got a second chance. I had still barely even spoken to him at all since the “horse” bit.
The Summer Before English Class...
During the next summer, my mom went to the Christian Bookstore where he worked. She asked him about a book she was buying for me about “Why Christians Suffer.” He told her to have me call him to talk about it. So of course I called. I couldn't wait to call. It was a summer night. We talked for at least two hours about everything, but mostly God stuff and it was fantastic. It was getting late and two of my best friends and I had planned to visit our friend in the hospital. I had to get off the phone with him, but I did not want to. The time flew by so quickly when were talking. I explained I would be leaving for Germany soon to visit my German Buddy. He told me he would love to hear about my trip when I got back. He also invited me to two upcoming events with a college church group he was acquainted with. He wouldn't be at the first one. I went to both the events. I took my sister and two kids her age (about 14 years old) to the second event he told me about. He showed up as he said he would, but he brought a girl. I was crushed! I did not know they were only good friends.
I left for Germany and returned one or two weeks before school started. I had decided that I would never date anyone ever again except the one I was going to marry. But after a week or so, I ran into an old acquaintance in town who said he would like to get together. I said ok thinking it would be a friend thing. My parents and friends were telling me it wasn’t a friend thing. When my dad told me to beware of him, I took the advice even though I was still convinced he just wanted to hang as friends. (My dad rarely intervened with that sort of thing.) The acquaintance had mentioned getting together after my classes on Monday.
It was the first Monday of school. I walked into class and saw him sitting there. I think I knew he was taking that class. I am not sure. I may have even arranged my schedule to squeeze that class in. I wouldn't doubt it, but I honestly do not remember. Either way, seeing him in class was a wonderful shock. I sat behind him and we talked. I told him that sometime I would like to tell him about my Germany trip. (It was a good excuse to be with him anyway.) That night we were dismissed from class very early. He invited me to spend some time with him. My plans with the other guy were not definite. I was thankful for the early dismissal and the chance to spend some time together. We went to Taco Bell and then sat in the children book section of Book Works and pondered. We really had a serious conversation about my experiences in Germany and what he was going through with his female friend I saw him with at the church thing. It was nice. We were instantly great friends. I think I even apologized for the horse. We had another Monday Class and spent some time together when were dismissed early.
He had a birthday that week. Although I was nervous and felt out of line. I bought a little toy rocket to take to his apartment. He had friends over including my cousin. I was so embarrassed, and the toy didn’t even work. It didn’t fly right and broke when it hit the sidewalk in front of his apartment. I explained I just wanted to drop the present and say Hi, but I needed to go. I’ll never forget the look on his face. I liked him for it. Before I left, he made sure he gave me a hug. I thought I was going to melt into the pavement. (He still hugs that way. I call it the God-touch.)
Still Just Friends?...
The “acquaintance” finally caught up with me. We made a “date,” but I told him that I had invited other people to meet us there. (Actually, I invited just about everybody I knew.) The acquaintance picked me up at my house and gave me a rose. I knew I had made a mistake about it being just a "friend" thing. (Glad I listened to the people who loved me.) We went to the movies and met several of my friends there. He showed up looking so hot in his cool baseball cap. I wished I was on this “date” with him. I remember telling the acquaintance/date that he was my best friend. He sat behind me and I wanted so badly to sit beside him. After the movie he invited all of us to his apartment. My date and I went. But “date” wanted to leave very early. We left and I explained to him that I was not interested in dating anyone. He said he appreciated me telling him right off the bat, and he took me home. I went inside and called "my best friend" under the guise of wanting to talk to another friend I had left at his apartment. She wasn’t there, and I was glad because I really just wanted to talk to him. We did talk.
Labor Day came and we didn’t have class. I had heard about Cumberland Falls from a patient I worked with at my part-time job. I decided to get a big hiking trip together to go to the falls before I had surgery on my ankle to remove the hardware from a broken leg I got sliding into 2nd base in the championship game my Senior year. (I was safe, but we lost the game. That's another good story.) Fortunately, everyone I invited to go hiking must have heard from the Lord and canceled. It was only the two of us. I thought we were just great friends. Was I naive or what?!?!?! We went swimming in the river. I thought the river was pushing us together, but I found out later he was doing that on purpose!
Friday I woke up and told my parents that my surgery was scheduled for that day. I don't think they were happy about that. I actually didn't think it would be a big deal. No one was with me in the hospital room, and it made the nurses cranky. I had my surgery and woke up in the middle of it. They knocked me back out, and when I woke up again, I was still very groggy. I could tell I was back in my hospital room and he was there praying over me. Even though I was still out of it, I can remember talking with him and feeling wonderful that he was there. I think he even called my dad to come and get me. I’m not sure what happened next, but I remember that he apologized because he had plans that night.
We continued to become better friends in just a few weeks. He had mentioned to me that he didn’t think God wanted him to marry so he could concentrate on his music ministry. I knew I didn’t want to date anyone except God and that he was not the one for me, so I had to pray a lot for God to take the feelings I had for him away. One night at his apartment, I was leaving and he told me that during the summer, I kept popping into his mind. As he twisted on his stool, he said he thought, “Surely I don’t have a crush on her!” (yeah..great. Thanks.) Then he said the scripture came to him from Philipians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” He said that is why he was thinking of me. Of all the times he embraced my soul, this time did not compare. I was dizzy.
My family was beginning to get to know him better too. My fourteen-year-old sister told me as we were walking one night, “I wouldn’t mind marrying him.” He would often drive me home after class because I was having vehicle problems. He found out my mom would drop me off at school and then he volunteered to bring me home. I remember one night sitting on the back of his tailgate after arriving to my house. It was chilly out and we were huddled together. He told me I smelled good. I told him he felt good. And I still thought we were just friends. (This naive way of thinking made him ULTRA protective over me during our first years of marriage, and I'm not even kidding a little. He was so afraid I would be trusting of some weirdo. I've significantly improved.)
He's Getting Married!....
One night we went to a prayer thing at an apartment with a Church group. A lady whom was sort of a mentor to me, was there praying for people, giving words of knowledge and prophecies. She prayed for us all, but he was last in line. She said a whole bunch of really awesome stuff, but the main thing was that she could see his wife and that she was kind of short and described her a bit. My heart sank. I KNEW I was not the one she described for him. He was going to be getting married! We were just starting to be great friends. I had prayed for a friend, and now he would be taken away from me by his future wife. I was not happy for him! He, on the other hand, was ecstatic. He was grinning from ear to ear and giddy. He kept hugging me saying how excited he was. He had thought he was not supposed to marry, and now he knew God was going to give him a wife.
I became a groupy to his band. One of the early gigs I attended was at a Church in a small town about twenty miles away. I invited my aunt to go with me. After the show, I didn’t want to stick around to bother him and the guys, especially because he was SURROUNDED by chicks! I motioned “bye” to him. He parted the sea of females, and came to give me a hug, thanked me for coming, and met my aunt. I was very honored that he did that for me. He apologized for not being able to visit, then we left.
After the next Monday night English class, we drove together in his truck to his apartment. We were sitting there talking when his phone rang. It was a girl from that small-town gig. She said she was at the Murder Mart and knew he lived close by. She invited herself to come over. He lived just across the street from there. She came and talked like I was not in the room for hours! The purpose for her visit was very obviously to get him to ask her out. I was stuck because I had no vehicle. I left it on campus. She made a comment about a guy she turned down. He said, “the worst rejection I ever had was when someone told me she had to go see a horse.” I was so embarrassed, but the girl didn’t know it was me. She made terrible comments about how that was the stupidest thing she had ever heard, and how she would never say something like that to him. I sat there like I was invisible. I honestly must have been. They then engaged into a conversation about a chair in the living room. He told her he named it, which happened to be the name of my sister. She said, “You like that chair enough to name it?” He said, “Well she is ok, but she is a little young. Maybe she has an older sister.” I began to get nervous. I KNEW that I could never be worthy of him, and he was implying things in his conversation to that girl. She finally left around 1:00am. She never knew he was talking about me, and she never acknowledged I was there.
I immediately began joking with him that she fit the description of the prophecy for his wife. She MUST be the one for him. He kept insinuating that I was the one. I told him that I really liked him and had to pray to God to take the feelings I had for him away, but that I did not want to date him unless he married me. He said, "Okay." He said, "Okay!"
We stayed up all night talking about what that meant. It was a very serious and intimate conversation. He even showed me some pictures he had of his late mother and some things he wrote about her. He finally took me to my car. I had morning classes. I remember feeling very strange on the inside, but also peaceful as he hugged me next to my car while the sun was rising over campus. The drive home was long. I had a lot to think about.
The first REAL week...
That was a fun week. We were an “item.” We kept seeing each other at school. He drove me to his home on the mountain for the first time. We sat close on a bluff he likes to go to. He kept putting his face on mine, but I didn't get it. He was trying to kiss me, but DUH! I just was so naive! That was a Wednesday.
Thursday we had our first "together" date. We went to a "revival" service of a church that had put a flier on his truck. KA-RAZY! There were only about ten people there. Funny, funny story and one we will never forget about the “going ons” there. I don't think they had ever had a visitor. When the Pastor decided to help himself to the drums during the songs of his guest singers, I thought I wouldn't be able to contain my laughter. And that was just a light snack compared to the rest of the stuff they put us through! After church, we grabbed a quick bite and watched a movie at his work.
Sunday came and I woke up feeling very insecure about the whole dating thing. I just wasn't sure. I was so scared. I really didn't want to date unless we were getting married. He was already planning to marry me, and we barely really knew each other. Cold feet to the max. I was only 19 at the time. I hadn't expected to marry until after school and career, and maybe never. I thought I would be close to 30. I prayed about it all day. I guess I was too thick-headed to hear from the Lord. I told God that I really liked him, but I guess it was just the wrong timing. I told God that I was going to break up with him that night unless he brought me something like a plant, a flower, or even a blade of grass. I thought that would be my sign. (Like an idiot! Don't worry, I know better now!) I was depressed all day knowing I was going to end it, and I really had strong feelings for him. He was more than perfect. We had planned to meet at the campus library to study for our English class that night. When I got there, he could tell I was bummed out. He said that we would just go to his apartment to study. I thought that would be good because I didn't want to break up with him in public. He kept asking me what was wrong. We walked to his truck. He hugged me, and I felt something odd on my back. It was a yellow rose. I could not believe it! I'm so very thankful that even though I wasn't listening to God, that he was. We didn't get much studying done that night, because I told him what I had planned to do, and why I now would not be doing that. I was really settled. We hadn't even said, "I love you." and we were planning to get married. I had no doubt in my mind. Over the next few months we would say things like, “I really more than like you.” He would randomly say, “Will you marry me? Don't answer that.” I had told him I didn't need a ring, he could just get me one out of a quarter machine.
The Rest of the Story...
The next June, my parents sent me on some sort of useless errand to my aunt's house. I didn't know it, but that night, he was meeting with them to ask permission to for my hand. My mother apparently gave him a hard time. I find that funny since she is the one who was so in love with him after their Europe trip. Then it was dad's turn. He simply said, “Parents don't arrange marriages for their kids anymore, but if I had to pick one, it would be you.”
He took me back up to Cumberland Falls and recreated that first “date.” He carved our name in a tree. He got on one knee and handed me a ring out of the quarter machine. He said, “Will you marry me? Don't answer that.” Then he handed me yellow rose, and my real ring was inside. He got the yellow rose from a lady's yard in town. He went to every flower shop, but no yellow roses. It became an emergency. He remembered her yard. She had lots of different yellow roses to choose from. That bit of the story makes it even more special.(I still have that rose!)
We had planned on being engaged for over a year, but that didn't happen. We were married the next October. The thing was, we hadn't planned on an October wedding until August, so we basically planned our wedding in two-months. We got married on the mountain at sunset. It was quite non-traditional. I liked it.
Twelve and half years later I still have a big crush on him. Life gets better everyday. I remember during the second year of marriage thinking, "even the low points now are more sweet than the high points last year." And I liked that thought, because I so enjoyed the first year. We were married eight years before we had our first baby. We have three little trophies to add to our collection. All boys.
I have had a crush on him since the third grade. He was one year older than me and in the classroom of my best friend's mom. When I would ride home with her after school, I remember stories she would tell us about him. I had a crush on the idea of him. He was a best friend of my first cousin who was also in his class. I watched him grow up from a distance. The more I learned about him, the more infatuated I became.
When he was a sophomore, he went on a school trip to Europe with mom and brother. After the trip, my mom came back singing his praises and had so many stories to tell about how much he added to their enjoyment of the trip. I remember my little brother saying, “I wouldn’t mind if you married him.” But at that time, marriage and even dating was the farthest thing from my mind. Not ever considering the possibility of having a relationship with him, I went about my growing pains. Everyone I dated knew I had a “thing” for him. He intrigued me, but I never pursued him perhaps because I couldn’t imagine myself with him.
The Most Embarrassing Day of My Life...
My Junior year, one of my dear friends had a chemistry class with him. She had overheard a conversation between he and his friend. His friend wanted to ask this girl out, but only as double date. My friend told him he should ask me out because I had liked him forever. My friend came to tell me as soon as her class was over. I was nervous and excited and mortified and thrilled at the same time. What if he did ask me out? I didn’t think I could handle it because I get so tongue-tangled whenever he came around. I had never even spoken to him before. If he did ask me, I thought it would just be as a favor to her and because he needed to find someone for the double date anyway. I didn’t really think he would be interested in me, but just the thought of getting a chance to know him was too great to think about. But what if he asked me for Saturday night?
There was one major problem. I had recently had a tough break up with a boy and were still “trying to be friends.” (Yeah right! That NEVER works!!!) We had an “outing” planned on Saturday night. Our “date” was going to consist of a visit to his farm. His horse had recently given birth, and I had never seen a newborn foal before. Then we were going to go out to eat and to the movies. Because my friend/date knew about my major crush (just as everyone did at school), I asked him if we could postpone our date if he asked me out for Saturday night. He said that if I broke our date, he would never speak to me again. Because it was rather rude of me to consider breaking my plans, and because he was such a good friend, and I thought there would be no future with the amazing guy because I didn’t think I was his type, I decided that I would not break my date if asked.
That week I tried my best to avoid being asked out so there would be no chance he would ask me for Saturday night. But one day, during lunch, I was walking through the hall trying to hide behind my friends. He was sitting in the floor along the wall with his ENTIRE class who were all Seniors. My first cousin was sitting beside him on the floor. He yelled my name and motioned for me to come. I panicked. (To say I panicked is an understatement. My mind totally went away. I immediately began to get nervous, but I walked over there and squatted down beside him. (Can you say, DORK! I squatted!) I was thinking about the words I would answer if he asked, “Would you like to go out sometime?” or “Would you like to go out Saturday?” With the most part of his senior class listening and my friends watching from a distance, he asked, “WHAT are you doing Saturday night?” I had not prepared for this question. In a matter of seconds thousands of possible answers flooded my mind. I wanted to answer him literally, but why did he have to use the words “What are you doing?” I definitely had plans but I didn’t want to say “I have plans” because he might want me to be more detailed. I didn’t want him to know I have another date because he might ask me who with. I didn’t want to tell him that I am going to the movies because he might say, “Why don’t you go with me?” What could I say that would be completely honest without leading into more questions and that wouldn’t make me feel like I was exposing myself to the entire senior class. I answered him quickly and honestly, “I have to go see a horse.” Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I will never forget the look on my cousin’s face and the gasps of all the seniors that sat on the floor. As soon as the words left my lips, I felt like I wanted to die. I couldn’t think of anything else to say or do, so I just got up and hurried away.
Everyday from that moment on, that memory haunted my mind. I had missed my chance to know him and I had acted so stupidly. I never felt bad for him because I thought it didn’t really matter to him if I said yes or not. Seriously he could have had any girl even though he doesn't believe me. Girls talk. I was completely humiliated in front of everyone who watched me that day and I did nothing to redeem myself because I thought it would be impossible to do so. I did go on my date, but the entire time I was thinking about him. Years later I found out that it crushed him(of course) and he didn’t ask anyone else out for the double date which meant the other guy and girl also never got together.
I continued through the rest of my high school career regretting the day I turned him down. I dated other people but kept up with what he was doing as I always had. He was still good friends with my cousin and I was friends with other girls he dated. I was extremely jealous of my friends he dated.
Recovery Attempts...
After my freshman year of college, I had been dating someone for three years, but at this time we were “seeing other people.” I still had a big crush and still regretted the “horse” deal severely. My cousin and he were in a band together. My Pen Pal from Germany had come to spend three months with me. I kept finding myself in situations near him. My cousin invited her to come to some gigs they were playing so we often heard him play. I also figured out that he checked his e-mail in a computer lab near my 9:00 class. I often skipped class just for the chance to “bump” into him. Sometimes I would try to hang around my cousin and his group of friends for a possible lunch invitation that never happened. When I became single, I made it a point to announce my relationship status in conversations I thought he might overhear. My efforts were in vain. School ended, and I never got a second chance. I had still barely even spoken to him at all since the “horse” bit.
The Summer Before English Class...
During the next summer, my mom went to the Christian Bookstore where he worked. She asked him about a book she was buying for me about “Why Christians Suffer.” He told her to have me call him to talk about it. So of course I called. I couldn't wait to call. It was a summer night. We talked for at least two hours about everything, but mostly God stuff and it was fantastic. It was getting late and two of my best friends and I had planned to visit our friend in the hospital. I had to get off the phone with him, but I did not want to. The time flew by so quickly when were talking. I explained I would be leaving for Germany soon to visit my German Buddy. He told me he would love to hear about my trip when I got back. He also invited me to two upcoming events with a college church group he was acquainted with. He wouldn't be at the first one. I went to both the events. I took my sister and two kids her age (about 14 years old) to the second event he told me about. He showed up as he said he would, but he brought a girl. I was crushed! I did not know they were only good friends.
I left for Germany and returned one or two weeks before school started. I had decided that I would never date anyone ever again except the one I was going to marry. But after a week or so, I ran into an old acquaintance in town who said he would like to get together. I said ok thinking it would be a friend thing. My parents and friends were telling me it wasn’t a friend thing. When my dad told me to beware of him, I took the advice even though I was still convinced he just wanted to hang as friends. (My dad rarely intervened with that sort of thing.) The acquaintance had mentioned getting together after my classes on Monday.
It was the first Monday of school. I walked into class and saw him sitting there. I think I knew he was taking that class. I am not sure. I may have even arranged my schedule to squeeze that class in. I wouldn't doubt it, but I honestly do not remember. Either way, seeing him in class was a wonderful shock. I sat behind him and we talked. I told him that sometime I would like to tell him about my Germany trip. (It was a good excuse to be with him anyway.) That night we were dismissed from class very early. He invited me to spend some time with him. My plans with the other guy were not definite. I was thankful for the early dismissal and the chance to spend some time together. We went to Taco Bell and then sat in the children book section of Book Works and pondered. We really had a serious conversation about my experiences in Germany and what he was going through with his female friend I saw him with at the church thing. It was nice. We were instantly great friends. I think I even apologized for the horse. We had another Monday Class and spent some time together when were dismissed early.
He had a birthday that week. Although I was nervous and felt out of line. I bought a little toy rocket to take to his apartment. He had friends over including my cousin. I was so embarrassed, and the toy didn’t even work. It didn’t fly right and broke when it hit the sidewalk in front of his apartment. I explained I just wanted to drop the present and say Hi, but I needed to go. I’ll never forget the look on his face. I liked him for it. Before I left, he made sure he gave me a hug. I thought I was going to melt into the pavement. (He still hugs that way. I call it the God-touch.)
Still Just Friends?...
The “acquaintance” finally caught up with me. We made a “date,” but I told him that I had invited other people to meet us there. (Actually, I invited just about everybody I knew.) The acquaintance picked me up at my house and gave me a rose. I knew I had made a mistake about it being just a "friend" thing. (Glad I listened to the people who loved me.) We went to the movies and met several of my friends there. He showed up looking so hot in his cool baseball cap. I wished I was on this “date” with him. I remember telling the acquaintance/date that he was my best friend. He sat behind me and I wanted so badly to sit beside him. After the movie he invited all of us to his apartment. My date and I went. But “date” wanted to leave very early. We left and I explained to him that I was not interested in dating anyone. He said he appreciated me telling him right off the bat, and he took me home. I went inside and called "my best friend" under the guise of wanting to talk to another friend I had left at his apartment. She wasn’t there, and I was glad because I really just wanted to talk to him. We did talk.
Labor Day came and we didn’t have class. I had heard about Cumberland Falls from a patient I worked with at my part-time job. I decided to get a big hiking trip together to go to the falls before I had surgery on my ankle to remove the hardware from a broken leg I got sliding into 2nd base in the championship game my Senior year. (I was safe, but we lost the game. That's another good story.) Fortunately, everyone I invited to go hiking must have heard from the Lord and canceled. It was only the two of us. I thought we were just great friends. Was I naive or what?!?!?! We went swimming in the river. I thought the river was pushing us together, but I found out later he was doing that on purpose!
Friday I woke up and told my parents that my surgery was scheduled for that day. I don't think they were happy about that. I actually didn't think it would be a big deal. No one was with me in the hospital room, and it made the nurses cranky. I had my surgery and woke up in the middle of it. They knocked me back out, and when I woke up again, I was still very groggy. I could tell I was back in my hospital room and he was there praying over me. Even though I was still out of it, I can remember talking with him and feeling wonderful that he was there. I think he even called my dad to come and get me. I’m not sure what happened next, but I remember that he apologized because he had plans that night.
We continued to become better friends in just a few weeks. He had mentioned to me that he didn’t think God wanted him to marry so he could concentrate on his music ministry. I knew I didn’t want to date anyone except God and that he was not the one for me, so I had to pray a lot for God to take the feelings I had for him away. One night at his apartment, I was leaving and he told me that during the summer, I kept popping into his mind. As he twisted on his stool, he said he thought, “Surely I don’t have a crush on her!” (yeah..great. Thanks.) Then he said the scripture came to him from Philipians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” He said that is why he was thinking of me. Of all the times he embraced my soul, this time did not compare. I was dizzy.
My family was beginning to get to know him better too. My fourteen-year-old sister told me as we were walking one night, “I wouldn’t mind marrying him.” He would often drive me home after class because I was having vehicle problems. He found out my mom would drop me off at school and then he volunteered to bring me home. I remember one night sitting on the back of his tailgate after arriving to my house. It was chilly out and we were huddled together. He told me I smelled good. I told him he felt good. And I still thought we were just friends. (This naive way of thinking made him ULTRA protective over me during our first years of marriage, and I'm not even kidding a little. He was so afraid I would be trusting of some weirdo. I've significantly improved.)
He's Getting Married!....
One night we went to a prayer thing at an apartment with a Church group. A lady whom was sort of a mentor to me, was there praying for people, giving words of knowledge and prophecies. She prayed for us all, but he was last in line. She said a whole bunch of really awesome stuff, but the main thing was that she could see his wife and that she was kind of short and described her a bit. My heart sank. I KNEW I was not the one she described for him. He was going to be getting married! We were just starting to be great friends. I had prayed for a friend, and now he would be taken away from me by his future wife. I was not happy for him! He, on the other hand, was ecstatic. He was grinning from ear to ear and giddy. He kept hugging me saying how excited he was. He had thought he was not supposed to marry, and now he knew God was going to give him a wife.
I became a groupy to his band. One of the early gigs I attended was at a Church in a small town about twenty miles away. I invited my aunt to go with me. After the show, I didn’t want to stick around to bother him and the guys, especially because he was SURROUNDED by chicks! I motioned “bye” to him. He parted the sea of females, and came to give me a hug, thanked me for coming, and met my aunt. I was very honored that he did that for me. He apologized for not being able to visit, then we left.
After the next Monday night English class, we drove together in his truck to his apartment. We were sitting there talking when his phone rang. It was a girl from that small-town gig. She said she was at the Murder Mart and knew he lived close by. She invited herself to come over. He lived just across the street from there. She came and talked like I was not in the room for hours! The purpose for her visit was very obviously to get him to ask her out. I was stuck because I had no vehicle. I left it on campus. She made a comment about a guy she turned down. He said, “the worst rejection I ever had was when someone told me she had to go see a horse.” I was so embarrassed, but the girl didn’t know it was me. She made terrible comments about how that was the stupidest thing she had ever heard, and how she would never say something like that to him. I sat there like I was invisible. I honestly must have been. They then engaged into a conversation about a chair in the living room. He told her he named it, which happened to be the name of my sister. She said, “You like that chair enough to name it?” He said, “Well she is ok, but she is a little young. Maybe she has an older sister.” I began to get nervous. I KNEW that I could never be worthy of him, and he was implying things in his conversation to that girl. She finally left around 1:00am. She never knew he was talking about me, and she never acknowledged I was there.
I immediately began joking with him that she fit the description of the prophecy for his wife. She MUST be the one for him. He kept insinuating that I was the one. I told him that I really liked him and had to pray to God to take the feelings I had for him away, but that I did not want to date him unless he married me. He said, "Okay." He said, "Okay!"
We stayed up all night talking about what that meant. It was a very serious and intimate conversation. He even showed me some pictures he had of his late mother and some things he wrote about her. He finally took me to my car. I had morning classes. I remember feeling very strange on the inside, but also peaceful as he hugged me next to my car while the sun was rising over campus. The drive home was long. I had a lot to think about.
The first REAL week...
That was a fun week. We were an “item.” We kept seeing each other at school. He drove me to his home on the mountain for the first time. We sat close on a bluff he likes to go to. He kept putting his face on mine, but I didn't get it. He was trying to kiss me, but DUH! I just was so naive! That was a Wednesday.
Thursday we had our first "together" date. We went to a "revival" service of a church that had put a flier on his truck. KA-RAZY! There were only about ten people there. Funny, funny story and one we will never forget about the “going ons” there. I don't think they had ever had a visitor. When the Pastor decided to help himself to the drums during the songs of his guest singers, I thought I wouldn't be able to contain my laughter. And that was just a light snack compared to the rest of the stuff they put us through! After church, we grabbed a quick bite and watched a movie at his work.
Sunday came and I woke up feeling very insecure about the whole dating thing. I just wasn't sure. I was so scared. I really didn't want to date unless we were getting married. He was already planning to marry me, and we barely really knew each other. Cold feet to the max. I was only 19 at the time. I hadn't expected to marry until after school and career, and maybe never. I thought I would be close to 30. I prayed about it all day. I guess I was too thick-headed to hear from the Lord. I told God that I really liked him, but I guess it was just the wrong timing. I told God that I was going to break up with him that night unless he brought me something like a plant, a flower, or even a blade of grass. I thought that would be my sign. (Like an idiot! Don't worry, I know better now!) I was depressed all day knowing I was going to end it, and I really had strong feelings for him. He was more than perfect. We had planned to meet at the campus library to study for our English class that night. When I got there, he could tell I was bummed out. He said that we would just go to his apartment to study. I thought that would be good because I didn't want to break up with him in public. He kept asking me what was wrong. We walked to his truck. He hugged me, and I felt something odd on my back. It was a yellow rose. I could not believe it! I'm so very thankful that even though I wasn't listening to God, that he was. We didn't get much studying done that night, because I told him what I had planned to do, and why I now would not be doing that. I was really settled. We hadn't even said, "I love you." and we were planning to get married. I had no doubt in my mind. Over the next few months we would say things like, “I really more than like you.” He would randomly say, “Will you marry me? Don't answer that.” I had told him I didn't need a ring, he could just get me one out of a quarter machine.
The Rest of the Story...
The next June, my parents sent me on some sort of useless errand to my aunt's house. I didn't know it, but that night, he was meeting with them to ask permission to for my hand. My mother apparently gave him a hard time. I find that funny since she is the one who was so in love with him after their Europe trip. Then it was dad's turn. He simply said, “Parents don't arrange marriages for their kids anymore, but if I had to pick one, it would be you.”
He took me back up to Cumberland Falls and recreated that first “date.” He carved our name in a tree. He got on one knee and handed me a ring out of the quarter machine. He said, “Will you marry me? Don't answer that.” Then he handed me yellow rose, and my real ring was inside. He got the yellow rose from a lady's yard in town. He went to every flower shop, but no yellow roses. It became an emergency. He remembered her yard. She had lots of different yellow roses to choose from. That bit of the story makes it even more special.(I still have that rose!)
We had planned on being engaged for over a year, but that didn't happen. We were married the next October. The thing was, we hadn't planned on an October wedding until August, so we basically planned our wedding in two-months. We got married on the mountain at sunset. It was quite non-traditional. I liked it.
Twelve and half years later I still have a big crush on him. Life gets better everyday. I remember during the second year of marriage thinking, "even the low points now are more sweet than the high points last year." And I liked that thought, because I so enjoyed the first year. We were married eight years before we had our first baby. We have three little trophies to add to our collection. All boys.
Vertical Thinking Part 2: The Higher Ground in Relationships
A long while back, I began to discover who I am...who I REALLY am. My focus was more on God and less on me everyday. I was dying to myself. I had not arrived, but I was beginning to see. I couldn't even remember that last time I had “sinned.” Sounds strange to say, but isn't that God's goal for us? That we are more aware of God than even our own flaws and failures? So then I began a deeper relationship with some people. I allowed them to speak into my life. They said things, and I believed them. I learned some great things from them, but I also learned some things I was unaware I was learning. (Cue the scary music.) They were speaking to me about areas they thought I could improve, ways I needed to be fixed, telling me I had little to offer, and saying I wasn't doing enough with what I had. Oh, they were my friends. They had loving eyes and they used pretty words. That was the sneaky part. I do not think their intentions toward me were bad. I think they were aware of their faults so automatically became aware of mine. I cannot blame them. I am my own responsibility. And besides that, “They don't know no better.” They judged themselves so therefore they judged me. Without realizing what was happening my insecurities became exposed. I became distracted by my lack. I was self conscious. I lost some peace. I had fallen from vertical thinking into horizontal thinking, all the while thinking I was still in the vertical plane. I began to believe I was not enough, and I now had to do something to become somebody or prove that I am already.
I believed them when they told me I “lacked, Needed fixing, Was not enough.” I became aware of my faults so then naturally, I became aware of theirs. I am Soooooo sorry I ever saw lack in them. Someday I will forgive myself. I hope that I never said or did anything to reflect the lack I saw. I saw them from the perspective of the lower ground. I lost the heart of God toward them. This “lack” issue is probably the most dangerous ingredient we could ever get a hold of in our life. I think that is exactly what Jesus was warning about when he said, “Beware of the Leaven of the Pharisees.” As far as I know, that was the only thing Jesus ever said, “Beware of." I can see why because of how it affected my relationship with others, with myself, and with God. "Beware of the Leaven of the Pharisees" is also like saying, “Beware of the constructive criticisms.” “Beware of anyone who makes you think that you do not hear or did not hear your father's voice and now therefore must let them “help” you with your decisions.” (Control-freak much? ---That's a whole other ponder.)
I realize that sometimes we are so horizontal in our thinking that we need someone up on the higher plane of thinking to help us----give us advice, etc. The goal, however, is that advice stays advice and we become confident in the voice who loves us perfectly. It is our right as his children to hear him. We do not need to become dependent on others to “hear” for us. THERE IS ONE VOICE THAT MATTERS. And we know his voice. We are his sheep! Don't let anyone tell you you are not.
It is also not to say that sometimes we don't need corrected. But the correct way to correct is life-giving, ALWAYS. The proper correction makes you change your focus to the vertical and gets your eyes off yourself. It puts your feet back on higher ground. The proper correction is smothered with a love that sees no need to add anything to you or find fault in you. This is still hard for me to understand, but I liken it to my three little boys.
These little guys are precious and unique. In reality, they are perfect, but there are things their mind still needs to learn because they are IMMATURE. A sapling is still a sapling and still a perfect little tree, but it obviously has a long way to go. It still needs a lot of sunshine, water and gentle care. With enough of the good stuff poured into it while it is immature, it will grow to be such a tall, strong tree, not even a hurricane can harm it. We love our three little guys. We have no “agenda” for them. It is our responsibility to raise them to who they are, and not who we think they should be. Their immaturity and growth requires correcting daily, sometimes hourly. We try to correct in a way that helps pick them up from the low ground and puts their feet back on the higher ground. You can usually tell when this has happened. They do things like thank us for the correction. This is a strange phenomenon to me. It's like we get rewarded for being the sergeants of boot camp at our house. After a proper correction, those little one, three and four-year-old smiles, big hugs, slobbery kisses, and bursts of helpfulness are really responses to our love. They are saying, “I am thankful for security you give me by showing me my boundaries. I am thankful you see my potential and help me to also see it. I am thankful you love me.”
I can understand proper correction because I am a parent, but it is also true for others. Proper correction sounds more like an encouragement to those being corrected. It is like they don't know they are being corrected. I can tell you from personal experience. IT WORKS! Isn't that strange that getting a hold of God's ideas of how to do things really, really, really works?!?! I guess sometimes we think we can do better ourselves. If the "correction" makes you feel less confident, or just LESS, IT DID NOT COME FROM THE LORD!!!!!!!!
I have discovered the “maturing” factor for our lives. When I was seeing the lack in myself and in others, I could see I was walking on the lower ground. I knew I was immature, but couldn't figure out how to grow or how to climb out of it. I asked the Lord to show me how to mature and climb up to the higher ground. Boy did he! The Miracle grow for our immaturity is simply, yet extravagantly a revelation of the Love of God. The deeper the revelation, the more mature a person. Maturity realizes that even my meager attempts to love God are dung (a.k.a. Crap). REAL love is allowing him to love me (PERIOD.) “Here is love, not that we love God, but that he loves us.”
“My beloved is mine.” ---Unbelievably immature.
“I am my beloveds, and he is mine.”---Immature.
“I am my beloveds.” ---Now those are the words of maturity!
There became a strain on my relationships. I began to be offended and point fingers. There was obviously an internal problem. So I prayed, “Father, help me to see them as righteously as you see them.” As plain as day, he said, “Then see yourself as righteous.” That is when I realized, I had fallen from the high ground. I had forgotten who I was. I had a head knowledge of HOW I was supposed to think, but I wasn't living there.
A few months later, I was having trouble forgiving a friend. I knew unforgiveness is only harmful to me. So I prayed, “Father, I cannot forgive them. Please help me to.” He said nothing, but he showed me a picture of Jesus dying for me on the cross---Dying for ME. “I got it, Lord.” I can only forgive when I know I am forgiven.
So I have come to this realization....To walk in the high ground with relationships, I first see my God for who he is in all his goodness. He is not testing me. He is and never will be mad or angry at me. He is not trying to teach me something. There is no agenda to improve me. There is only love. If I see my father for who he is and how much he LOVES me, then I can begin to see me for who I am. Who I am is the real me. The real me is who he says I am. I am innocent, blameless, free, sinless, whole, beautiful, healthy, prosperous, bold, perfect. (That is still soooooooooooooooo hard for me to say, but sometimes I do practice in the mirror. ---It's very humbling.) When I can see me the way he sees me, then and only then can I see others the way he sees them. We will never love others until we love ourselves. We can never truly love ourselves until we know how much we are loved and allow Father to love us.
I'm not there yet, but I can see the light that I want to walk in. There is nothing I have to DO to get there either. It is as simple as keeping my focus vertical. “Walk in the light as he is in the light.” It is like when you drive a car. The car is going forward, but as soon as you start rubbernecking out the left window, you will find the car automatically starts drifting left. I will keep my focus upward. Before I know it, I will look down and see the world from his perspective. It is such a nice view! I'm looking forward to soaring.
I believed them when they told me I “lacked, Needed fixing, Was not enough.” I became aware of my faults so then naturally, I became aware of theirs. I am Soooooo sorry I ever saw lack in them. Someday I will forgive myself. I hope that I never said or did anything to reflect the lack I saw. I saw them from the perspective of the lower ground. I lost the heart of God toward them. This “lack” issue is probably the most dangerous ingredient we could ever get a hold of in our life. I think that is exactly what Jesus was warning about when he said, “Beware of the Leaven of the Pharisees.” As far as I know, that was the only thing Jesus ever said, “Beware of." I can see why because of how it affected my relationship with others, with myself, and with God. "Beware of the Leaven of the Pharisees" is also like saying, “Beware of the constructive criticisms.” “Beware of anyone who makes you think that you do not hear or did not hear your father's voice and now therefore must let them “help” you with your decisions.” (Control-freak much? ---That's a whole other ponder.)
I realize that sometimes we are so horizontal in our thinking that we need someone up on the higher plane of thinking to help us----give us advice, etc. The goal, however, is that advice stays advice and we become confident in the voice who loves us perfectly. It is our right as his children to hear him. We do not need to become dependent on others to “hear” for us. THERE IS ONE VOICE THAT MATTERS. And we know his voice. We are his sheep! Don't let anyone tell you you are not.
It is also not to say that sometimes we don't need corrected. But the correct way to correct is life-giving, ALWAYS. The proper correction makes you change your focus to the vertical and gets your eyes off yourself. It puts your feet back on higher ground. The proper correction is smothered with a love that sees no need to add anything to you or find fault in you. This is still hard for me to understand, but I liken it to my three little boys.
These little guys are precious and unique. In reality, they are perfect, but there are things their mind still needs to learn because they are IMMATURE. A sapling is still a sapling and still a perfect little tree, but it obviously has a long way to go. It still needs a lot of sunshine, water and gentle care. With enough of the good stuff poured into it while it is immature, it will grow to be such a tall, strong tree, not even a hurricane can harm it. We love our three little guys. We have no “agenda” for them. It is our responsibility to raise them to who they are, and not who we think they should be. Their immaturity and growth requires correcting daily, sometimes hourly. We try to correct in a way that helps pick them up from the low ground and puts their feet back on the higher ground. You can usually tell when this has happened. They do things like thank us for the correction. This is a strange phenomenon to me. It's like we get rewarded for being the sergeants of boot camp at our house. After a proper correction, those little one, three and four-year-old smiles, big hugs, slobbery kisses, and bursts of helpfulness are really responses to our love. They are saying, “I am thankful for security you give me by showing me my boundaries. I am thankful you see my potential and help me to also see it. I am thankful you love me.”
I can understand proper correction because I am a parent, but it is also true for others. Proper correction sounds more like an encouragement to those being corrected. It is like they don't know they are being corrected. I can tell you from personal experience. IT WORKS! Isn't that strange that getting a hold of God's ideas of how to do things really, really, really works?!?! I guess sometimes we think we can do better ourselves. If the "correction" makes you feel less confident, or just LESS, IT DID NOT COME FROM THE LORD!!!!!!!!
I have discovered the “maturing” factor for our lives. When I was seeing the lack in myself and in others, I could see I was walking on the lower ground. I knew I was immature, but couldn't figure out how to grow or how to climb out of it. I asked the Lord to show me how to mature and climb up to the higher ground. Boy did he! The Miracle grow for our immaturity is simply, yet extravagantly a revelation of the Love of God. The deeper the revelation, the more mature a person. Maturity realizes that even my meager attempts to love God are dung (a.k.a. Crap). REAL love is allowing him to love me (PERIOD.) “Here is love, not that we love God, but that he loves us.”
“My beloved is mine.” ---Unbelievably immature.
“I am my beloveds, and he is mine.”---Immature.
“I am my beloveds.” ---Now those are the words of maturity!
There became a strain on my relationships. I began to be offended and point fingers. There was obviously an internal problem. So I prayed, “Father, help me to see them as righteously as you see them.” As plain as day, he said, “Then see yourself as righteous.” That is when I realized, I had fallen from the high ground. I had forgotten who I was. I had a head knowledge of HOW I was supposed to think, but I wasn't living there.
A few months later, I was having trouble forgiving a friend. I knew unforgiveness is only harmful to me. So I prayed, “Father, I cannot forgive them. Please help me to.” He said nothing, but he showed me a picture of Jesus dying for me on the cross---Dying for ME. “I got it, Lord.” I can only forgive when I know I am forgiven.
So I have come to this realization....To walk in the high ground with relationships, I first see my God for who he is in all his goodness. He is not testing me. He is and never will be mad or angry at me. He is not trying to teach me something. There is no agenda to improve me. There is only love. If I see my father for who he is and how much he LOVES me, then I can begin to see me for who I am. Who I am is the real me. The real me is who he says I am. I am innocent, blameless, free, sinless, whole, beautiful, healthy, prosperous, bold, perfect. (That is still soooooooooooooooo hard for me to say, but sometimes I do practice in the mirror. ---It's very humbling.) When I can see me the way he sees me, then and only then can I see others the way he sees them. We will never love others until we love ourselves. We can never truly love ourselves until we know how much we are loved and allow Father to love us.
I'm not there yet, but I can see the light that I want to walk in. There is nothing I have to DO to get there either. It is as simple as keeping my focus vertical. “Walk in the light as he is in the light.” It is like when you drive a car. The car is going forward, but as soon as you start rubbernecking out the left window, you will find the car automatically starts drifting left. I will keep my focus upward. Before I know it, I will look down and see the world from his perspective. It is such a nice view! I'm looking forward to soaring.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Vertical Thinking
Before our relationship became anything more than friends, my husband gave me the best complement I can ever remember. The memory is vivid like it happened this morning, and it still puts a big smile in my heart. I stopped in for a brief visit at his apartment one day. I wasn't even there long enough to sit down. I remember him and the expressions on his face. He was less hairy then because he was only twenty, but he still has the perfect amount of hair. He sat twisting side to side in an office chair just chatting with me. Oh yeah, I severely liked him, but I was trying so hard not to. I had recently decided that I would not date anyone until I found the one I would marry, and I never dreamed “The One” could be him. He told me that I had been on his mind a lot during the summer and he said to himself, “Surely I do not have a crush on her.” Then he told me that the Bible verse Philippines 4:8 came to his remembrance. “Finally brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—think on these things.” Suddenly I became very dizzy like I might melt into a puddle he would have to scoop up off of the floor. Somehow I managed to walk out of there. I cannot tell you anything else that happened on that day.
That verse was one of my very favorites then, but everyday I discover how hungry I am for the revelation for that plane of thinking. The more I learn, the more I realize the importance of “thinking on those things.” Vertical thinking is reality. It is seeing God in all his goodness. Seeing ourselves as he sees us. Then also seeing others through his eyes. It is impossible to pass a judgment on another if we see ourselves and others as he does. Judgment is a big peace robber. The pure in heart see God. We could say that the pure in heart see love and all the other qualities that make God, God. It is when our thinking becomes horizontal that we get into trouble. Suddenly our focus is on our self and our circumstances instead of seeing the big picture. Vertical thinking is soaring like an Eagle through life. We still live here, but the view is breathtaking and flawless. The mouse would have another view of the same world. There are lots of distractions that can pull our sight away from vertical thinking. Before we know it, we can become almost tricked into living in the horizontal perspective. Sometimes this happens even with great intentions. Sometimes it happens without us knowing it happened, and that is the most dangerous. Vertical thinking then becomes something we know instead of something we live. We can only recover our peace when we know it has been stolen.
When I think about changing my perspective to a vertical one, I cannot help but think of the song, “Loch Lamond.” “Ye take the high road. I'll take the low road.” That is one of the most morbid songs I've ever heard and obviously written and sang by someone on the low road. I've heard a few different variations of the meaning of that song, but basically there was an English slaughter-fest of the Scottish. The bodies of those killed were paraded to Scotland up the well-kept road known as the high road in attempt to send a message while the Scottish walked back home on the peasant or low road. No matter how devastating the lyrics, there is something that illustrates the high verses low way of thinking to me. To us the circumstances were horrid, but suddenly those who died now see our eternal reality that we are blind to on this horizontal plane. Pain, sorrow, broken hearts, poverty, sickness, disease, death no longer exist in their perspective. They are experiencing the higher thoughts of heaven. They are surrounded by life and only goodness. This is also our reality because we are seated in heavenly places. We are in this world, but not of it.
Haven't you wondered how the superheros of Bible could be so weird? They said stuff like, “Count it joy when you are persecuted.” Um, I don't think getting stoned would elicit a “yippee” from me, but it is like that is the attitude they had. Not only that, but they said weird things like, “Father, Forgive them. They don't know no better.” They had attained a higher way of thinking. They lived in a vertical plane in their mind. They saw the big picture and the tiny little things like, whippings, beatings, name callings, false accusations, crucifixions, stonings, rejections, afflictions, you name it, were like nothing....not even a distraction.
I can see there is a higher plane for me to climb to in my thinking, but I can also see I am not there yet. I allow myself to be distracted too often. I began to recognize it even more when I began to see the areas I judge myself and others. I think I have to “fix” me, therefore I do not see myself as blameless, pure, holy, innocent, and perfect as God does. How can I improve perfection? Sometimes I actually believe I can. Sound haughty? Actually it is ultra humbling for me to say that because it requires me to lay down my opinion of myself to adopt one from the higher plane. Seeing flaws in myself automatically recognizes flaws in others. No matter how minute, this is judgment.
Another area I recognize I'm not quite to the high road is how I so eagerly desire to defend myself and others I love when accused. Actually, I don't owe any judgmental, low-road traveler an explanation. If they choose to try to manipulate, force, or draw me into a fight, they seek only to distract me. Sometimes I recognize this and walk away even if they accuse me of being weak or whatever, but I don't walk there consistently. Even though I might not respond, I still WANT to give them a taste of their own medicine. After all, they REALLY deserve it, right? When I can see myself as righteous as Jesus, then I won't care what they say or do to distract me. I won't need to feel I should make myself right. I won't even care to convince them I am not as bad as they say I am. They are not in my vertical beam. In the vertical plane, there is only one voice that matters. Every other voice.....even the flattering ones, are nothing but distractions. Their railings will be like water of a duck's back. No need to fight that. I am on the high ground. They can't hit me from down there.
I picture myself in scenes like in movies such as “Indiana Jones” among many, where the convoy comes down the road between two steep hills or cliffs. There is trouble down below, but the good guys are on the higher ground. The higher ground position is the more advantageous position. They can see their path as well as the situation down below. The only way to ensure destruction is to climb down from their position to the lower ground.
Some would say that seeing things “good” is not reality or balanced. I dare say, that “good” is the only reality. It is the perspective of the Most High. We think we can contradict him? His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. It doesn't mean that we are naive and irresponsible. It doesn't mean circumstances we experience with our senses are not true. They are true, but they may not be truth. There is a way that seems right to a man, but only brings death. It really just boils down to allowing the heart of God to navigate our thought life. God gave us the recipe for peace, but we have the choice of what we cook up in our mind and heart. Whatever is lovely, pure, admirable, praiseworthy...think on these things. This is like having heaven on earth. This is the high road. This is the indescribable, unexplainable, supernatural, REAL, peace. It is the thinking that made those people martyr themselves by jumping out of the stadium into the arena with tigers and lions. It is the revelation that the horizontal plane no longer has merit. There is a reality I am hungry for.
That verse was one of my very favorites then, but everyday I discover how hungry I am for the revelation for that plane of thinking. The more I learn, the more I realize the importance of “thinking on those things.” Vertical thinking is reality. It is seeing God in all his goodness. Seeing ourselves as he sees us. Then also seeing others through his eyes. It is impossible to pass a judgment on another if we see ourselves and others as he does. Judgment is a big peace robber. The pure in heart see God. We could say that the pure in heart see love and all the other qualities that make God, God. It is when our thinking becomes horizontal that we get into trouble. Suddenly our focus is on our self and our circumstances instead of seeing the big picture. Vertical thinking is soaring like an Eagle through life. We still live here, but the view is breathtaking and flawless. The mouse would have another view of the same world. There are lots of distractions that can pull our sight away from vertical thinking. Before we know it, we can become almost tricked into living in the horizontal perspective. Sometimes this happens even with great intentions. Sometimes it happens without us knowing it happened, and that is the most dangerous. Vertical thinking then becomes something we know instead of something we live. We can only recover our peace when we know it has been stolen.
When I think about changing my perspective to a vertical one, I cannot help but think of the song, “Loch Lamond.” “Ye take the high road. I'll take the low road.” That is one of the most morbid songs I've ever heard and obviously written and sang by someone on the low road. I've heard a few different variations of the meaning of that song, but basically there was an English slaughter-fest of the Scottish. The bodies of those killed were paraded to Scotland up the well-kept road known as the high road in attempt to send a message while the Scottish walked back home on the peasant or low road. No matter how devastating the lyrics, there is something that illustrates the high verses low way of thinking to me. To us the circumstances were horrid, but suddenly those who died now see our eternal reality that we are blind to on this horizontal plane. Pain, sorrow, broken hearts, poverty, sickness, disease, death no longer exist in their perspective. They are experiencing the higher thoughts of heaven. They are surrounded by life and only goodness. This is also our reality because we are seated in heavenly places. We are in this world, but not of it.
Haven't you wondered how the superheros of Bible could be so weird? They said stuff like, “Count it joy when you are persecuted.” Um, I don't think getting stoned would elicit a “yippee” from me, but it is like that is the attitude they had. Not only that, but they said weird things like, “Father, Forgive them. They don't know no better.” They had attained a higher way of thinking. They lived in a vertical plane in their mind. They saw the big picture and the tiny little things like, whippings, beatings, name callings, false accusations, crucifixions, stonings, rejections, afflictions, you name it, were like nothing....not even a distraction.
I can see there is a higher plane for me to climb to in my thinking, but I can also see I am not there yet. I allow myself to be distracted too often. I began to recognize it even more when I began to see the areas I judge myself and others. I think I have to “fix” me, therefore I do not see myself as blameless, pure, holy, innocent, and perfect as God does. How can I improve perfection? Sometimes I actually believe I can. Sound haughty? Actually it is ultra humbling for me to say that because it requires me to lay down my opinion of myself to adopt one from the higher plane. Seeing flaws in myself automatically recognizes flaws in others. No matter how minute, this is judgment.
Another area I recognize I'm not quite to the high road is how I so eagerly desire to defend myself and others I love when accused. Actually, I don't owe any judgmental, low-road traveler an explanation. If they choose to try to manipulate, force, or draw me into a fight, they seek only to distract me. Sometimes I recognize this and walk away even if they accuse me of being weak or whatever, but I don't walk there consistently. Even though I might not respond, I still WANT to give them a taste of their own medicine. After all, they REALLY deserve it, right? When I can see myself as righteous as Jesus, then I won't care what they say or do to distract me. I won't need to feel I should make myself right. I won't even care to convince them I am not as bad as they say I am. They are not in my vertical beam. In the vertical plane, there is only one voice that matters. Every other voice.....even the flattering ones, are nothing but distractions. Their railings will be like water of a duck's back. No need to fight that. I am on the high ground. They can't hit me from down there.
I picture myself in scenes like in movies such as “Indiana Jones” among many, where the convoy comes down the road between two steep hills or cliffs. There is trouble down below, but the good guys are on the higher ground. The higher ground position is the more advantageous position. They can see their path as well as the situation down below. The only way to ensure destruction is to climb down from their position to the lower ground.
Some would say that seeing things “good” is not reality or balanced. I dare say, that “good” is the only reality. It is the perspective of the Most High. We think we can contradict him? His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. It doesn't mean that we are naive and irresponsible. It doesn't mean circumstances we experience with our senses are not true. They are true, but they may not be truth. There is a way that seems right to a man, but only brings death. It really just boils down to allowing the heart of God to navigate our thought life. God gave us the recipe for peace, but we have the choice of what we cook up in our mind and heart. Whatever is lovely, pure, admirable, praiseworthy...think on these things. This is like having heaven on earth. This is the high road. This is the indescribable, unexplainable, supernatural, REAL, peace. It is the thinking that made those people martyr themselves by jumping out of the stadium into the arena with tigers and lions. It is the revelation that the horizontal plane no longer has merit. There is a reality I am hungry for.
...So Come On Already.
This is a little awkward and pathetic....I have so wanted a blog for YEARS and YEARS. Procrastinate much? Yep.
All I have done since the creation of this blog is log onto it everyday and proudly stare at the blank design template and maybe edit my profile (again) if I'm feeling really enthusiastic. Strange that I have bloggers block before I even start. I have a theory about this. I swore to myself weeks ago as I gazed at my blank blog, that I will not blog about writing, journaling, or blogging. Isn't that always the way? What we focus on becomes our outcome. Here I am stuck in a blog-sized crater ready to take my first step out, and all I can concentrate on is the crater itself. Therefore I am blogging about blogging.
(Bloggers Block Issue Number 1=I am Amish) Well, not really Amish. “Amish” just seems the best way to describe my expertise in the technical world. A computer-savvy friend once told me she would create a blog for me in exchange for helping her clean her house. Yes! That's a perfect deal for an Amish gal! I finally just decided to make one on my own without the bells and whistles.
I love to write just for me. It is like my heart bypasses my brain and goes straight to my hands. Before I know it, the fog lifts and the real me is present. Pen and a colorful, spiral journal is a whole lot more fun and less expensive than therapy. I also have enjoyed sending random, “nothing ponders” via e-mail. The responses to those e-mails were often encouragements to start a blog. I also believe the bloggers block comes from the fact that someone might actually read “me.” Even in the e-mail essays, I had some control over “personal access.” Which brings me to issue number 2.
(Bloggers Block Issue number 2=control freak) I have only recently learned that I am a control freak. Well, I like to church it up and call it “a quiet control freak,” but freak none-the-less. This revelation actually came as quite a shock. I realized this one day last year while thinking of a couple who had asked me for directions while sitting at a red light in some heavy traffic. Knowing I had only seconds to answer such an “important” question, I gave the first answer that came to my mind. Suddenly the light turned green and we separated in response to my instructions. As I drove straight on, I realized that the directions I gave were not the best route to their destination. Um, I've worried about them for TEN YEARS! Hey come on! They made it! I control quietly from the inside. At least that is what I thought until after I spoke to a women's group last year about a whole lot of interesting revelations about myself, briefly including this one. A childhood friend and her mom were there in the front row. The first words spoken after my speech were from her mom. “We knew you were a control freak.” She said. Really? Thanks for telling me TWENTY YEARS LATER!
(Bloggers block Issue number 3=Procrastinating Perfectionist.) I've learned a whole lot about this useless perfectionism that induces this sort of procrastination. Anyone who has ever read “The Birth Order Book” understands this and other struggles of the first born child. I am the first born of five children in my family and highly skeptical of the subjective evidence presented in “The Birth Order Book.” Although his explanation of birth order was uncannily descriptive of my family dynamics, I was not sold on the idea at all. Once I finished the book, it dawned on me, “Of course I am skeptical and critical! I am a First Born!”
Basically, I do not know what to write for my first post because I put unrealistic expectations on myself like the first one has to be “good” or something....What is “good” anyway? Who makes up all the “good” rules? I only know one “Good” Guy and his rule is he destroyed the rules. So in reality, how can there be any rules. And if there are no rules, how could I fail? All rules are man-made for our benefit and/or demise. He is in perfect love with this Amish, controlling, procrastinator, and does not see me as I apparently see myself. Concentrating on the view from his perspective casts out any sort of fear of failure. So bring on the blunders and get thy rump into blogspot land!
All I have done since the creation of this blog is log onto it everyday and proudly stare at the blank design template and maybe edit my profile (again) if I'm feeling really enthusiastic. Strange that I have bloggers block before I even start. I have a theory about this. I swore to myself weeks ago as I gazed at my blank blog, that I will not blog about writing, journaling, or blogging. Isn't that always the way? What we focus on becomes our outcome. Here I am stuck in a blog-sized crater ready to take my first step out, and all I can concentrate on is the crater itself. Therefore I am blogging about blogging.
(Bloggers Block Issue Number 1=I am Amish) Well, not really Amish. “Amish” just seems the best way to describe my expertise in the technical world. A computer-savvy friend once told me she would create a blog for me in exchange for helping her clean her house. Yes! That's a perfect deal for an Amish gal! I finally just decided to make one on my own without the bells and whistles.
I love to write just for me. It is like my heart bypasses my brain and goes straight to my hands. Before I know it, the fog lifts and the real me is present. Pen and a colorful, spiral journal is a whole lot more fun and less expensive than therapy. I also have enjoyed sending random, “nothing ponders” via e-mail. The responses to those e-mails were often encouragements to start a blog. I also believe the bloggers block comes from the fact that someone might actually read “me.” Even in the e-mail essays, I had some control over “personal access.” Which brings me to issue number 2.
(Bloggers Block Issue number 2=control freak) I have only recently learned that I am a control freak. Well, I like to church it up and call it “a quiet control freak,” but freak none-the-less. This revelation actually came as quite a shock. I realized this one day last year while thinking of a couple who had asked me for directions while sitting at a red light in some heavy traffic. Knowing I had only seconds to answer such an “important” question, I gave the first answer that came to my mind. Suddenly the light turned green and we separated in response to my instructions. As I drove straight on, I realized that the directions I gave were not the best route to their destination. Um, I've worried about them for TEN YEARS! Hey come on! They made it! I control quietly from the inside. At least that is what I thought until after I spoke to a women's group last year about a whole lot of interesting revelations about myself, briefly including this one. A childhood friend and her mom were there in the front row. The first words spoken after my speech were from her mom. “We knew you were a control freak.” She said. Really? Thanks for telling me TWENTY YEARS LATER!
(Bloggers block Issue number 3=Procrastinating Perfectionist.) I've learned a whole lot about this useless perfectionism that induces this sort of procrastination. Anyone who has ever read “The Birth Order Book” understands this and other struggles of the first born child. I am the first born of five children in my family and highly skeptical of the subjective evidence presented in “The Birth Order Book.” Although his explanation of birth order was uncannily descriptive of my family dynamics, I was not sold on the idea at all. Once I finished the book, it dawned on me, “Of course I am skeptical and critical! I am a First Born!”
Basically, I do not know what to write for my first post because I put unrealistic expectations on myself like the first one has to be “good” or something....What is “good” anyway? Who makes up all the “good” rules? I only know one “Good” Guy and his rule is he destroyed the rules. So in reality, how can there be any rules. And if there are no rules, how could I fail? All rules are man-made for our benefit and/or demise. He is in perfect love with this Amish, controlling, procrastinator, and does not see me as I apparently see myself. Concentrating on the view from his perspective casts out any sort of fear of failure. So bring on the blunders and get thy rump into blogspot land!
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