...So Come On Already.

This is a little awkward and pathetic....I have so wanted a blog for YEARS and YEARS. Procrastinate much? Yep.

All I have done since the creation of this blog is log onto it everyday and proudly stare at the blank design template and maybe edit my profile (again) if I'm feeling really enthusiastic. Strange that I have bloggers block before I even start. I have a theory about this. I swore to myself weeks ago as I gazed at my blank blog, that I will not blog about writing, journaling, or blogging. Isn't that always the way? What we focus on becomes our outcome. Here I am stuck in a blog-sized crater ready to take my first step out, and all I can concentrate on is the crater itself. Therefore I am blogging about blogging.

(Bloggers Block Issue Number 1=I am Amish) Well, not really Amish. “Amish” just seems the best way to describe my expertise in the technical world. A computer-savvy friend once told me she would create a blog for me in exchange for helping her clean her house. Yes! That's a perfect deal for an Amish gal! I finally just decided to make one on my own without the bells and whistles.

I love to write just for me. It is like my heart bypasses my brain and goes straight to my hands. Before I know it, the fog lifts and the real me is present. Pen and a colorful, spiral journal is a whole lot more fun and less expensive than therapy. I also have enjoyed sending random, “nothing ponders” via e-mail. The responses to those e-mails were often encouragements to start a blog. I also believe the bloggers block comes from the fact that someone might actually read “me.” Even in the e-mail essays, I had some control over “personal access.” Which brings me to issue number 2.

(Bloggers Block Issue number 2=control freak) I have only recently learned that I am a control freak. Well, I like to church it up and call it “a quiet control freak,” but freak none-the-less. This revelation actually came as quite a shock. I realized this one day last year while thinking of a couple who had asked me for directions while sitting at a red light in some heavy traffic. Knowing I had only seconds to answer such an “important” question, I gave the first answer that came to my mind. Suddenly the light turned green and we separated in response to my instructions. As I drove straight on, I realized that the directions I gave were not the best route to their destination. Um, I've worried about them for TEN YEARS! Hey come on! They made it! I control quietly from the inside. At least that is what I thought until after I spoke to a women's group last year about a whole lot of interesting revelations about myself, briefly including this one. A childhood friend and her mom were there in the front row. The first words spoken after my speech were from her mom. “We knew you were a control freak.” She said. Really? Thanks for telling me TWENTY YEARS LATER!

(Bloggers block Issue number 3=Procrastinating Perfectionist.) I've learned a whole lot about this useless perfectionism that induces this sort of procrastination. Anyone who has ever read “The Birth Order Book” understands this and other struggles of the first born child. I am the first born of five children in my family and highly skeptical of the subjective evidence presented in “The Birth Order Book.” Although his explanation of birth order was uncannily descriptive of my family dynamics, I was not sold on the idea at all. Once I finished the book, it dawned on me, “Of course I am skeptical and critical! I am a First Born!”

Basically, I do not know what to write for my first post because I put unrealistic expectations on myself like the first one has to be “good” or something....What is “good” anyway? Who makes up all the “good” rules? I only know one “Good” Guy and his rule is he destroyed the rules. So in reality, how can there be any rules. And if there are no rules, how could I fail? All rules are man-made for our benefit and/or demise. He is in perfect love with this Amish, controlling, procrastinator, and does not see me as I apparently see myself. Concentrating on the view from his perspective casts out any sort of fear of failure. So bring on the blunders and get thy rump into blogspot land!