I've been learning things, but not from any man. Father has been teaching me. What is extra cool is that Wayne is also separately getting one-on-one lessons, but they are the same revelations. Not only is it confirmation, but it is a true example of the tuning fork. I don't have to be tuned into any person, not even Wayne, as my source because I am tuned into Father. Wayne is also tuned into Father, and that means we are automatically in tune to each other. Probably the biggest lesson at the moment has to do with unlearning.
There is a call to us to return to childhood. God and Wayne had one of the most beautiful conversations I have ever heard between Father and a son. Someday I might share it, but for now I'm going to let Wayne soak in the revelation without me involved. I've also had some visions about God as my parent, but mostly he has been teaching me things in my dreams. I had no idea about somethings he has shown be about myself. After dreaming about this a few times, I finally seem to be getting the clue.
Mary hesitated...and so do I.
Mary was just a young, innocent girl. There were probably many traits about her that were childlike, and she is amazing. (I think when I get to heaven, I'll have me a sit down with her to jab about what it was like raising a bunch of boys.) I learned something about myself from dreams plus pondering on Mary's role in the Christmas story. When the angel came to Mary and told her that she would become pregnant. Mary questioned the word of the Lord. She said, "How can this be?" And the Angel gave her an answer. Then she said, "Be it done to me as you say." And she became pregnant with the seed of the Word. Wow! Gets me every single time! But I always skipped right over her question. Did you know that she could have believed what he said without any explanation and became pregnant? But she hesitated. Now I realize that "hesitate" is not exactly accurate, but for some reason it makes sense in my mind.
I think I can credit how I understand the word "hesitate" to the Movie "Men In Black." I love the part where the MIB are testing the potential agents and they all go in the shooting area and start blasting the alien props except Will Smith's character who doesn't shoot anything. Then all the shooting stops and Will shoots the girl prop in the head. The lights come back on and the MIB agent asks him what happened and he says, "hesitated." They end up choosing Will Smith and Zeb tells the other candidates, "Congratulations, gentlemen. You're everything we expected from years of government training." ----oh boy, that will preach!
What I love about Mary's story is that she questioned, and she still got her answer. God didn't "unchoose" her just because she questioned. He met her where she was, gave her the answer, then proceeded as planned. It was a simple little question. "How?" The Bible doesn't record any of the other billions of questions that I probably would have had. "Why me? How am I supposed to raise this kid? What will my parents think? What about Joseph? Will this baby need unique care? Will I be a single mother?" She didn't ask any of those types of questions which in my opinion are a lot more meaty. Her question indicated that she was willing. She just simply wanted to know, "How can this be because I've not been with a man."
(I just thought of something as I typed the question. She was willing, but she thought that the Word physically living in her would obviously have to come from a man. Whoa. Don't we get into that same sort of thinking? We place people in our lives to speak into us life when really we need to hear directly from the Father. He'll plant the seed in us. We don't need any person telling us what to think about God, what he looks like, or sounds like. We can hear his voice on our own. It is our right to hear our Father's voice as his children. And I would literally like to pop in the nose people who make other people discredit the voice of the almighty within them. I posted in May 2011 on this very thing in this blog that was a vision/word from the Lord, and its called, "Wake Up Call." I'm still learning things from that vision.)
Mary was very simple, but I do the exact same thing except on a much larger scale. I hesitate because of judgment. The first dream I had was a really cool dream, but in the dream the host of the fancy restaurant was a French man. (Red Flag #1 in my mind.) But I like him. I was drawn to him. He was taking me through the restaurant to see the manager to find my misplaced keys. We stopped at a patrons table, and he put some sort of weird-looking delicacy they were eating in their drink and had me drink it. I hesitated. I did NOT want to drink that. How terrible that he would interrupt their dining. And I felt like he knew it was going to be weird for me to drink and I would look silly. I didn't like that he put me in that position, but yet I was still captivated by him. After I drank he took me on to see the manger who had my keys. When I woke up I knew the French man was the Lord, but why would he put me in that uncomfortable, socially-unacceptable position to drink that strange concoction?
A while later I had another dream that may be my very favorite dream of all time. The dream had so much in it, that I think I will post it separately. I was in a geology class with a guest lecturer who worked for a geology company. I was captivated by him. He drew me with every word. Hearing him speak gave me life and empowered me to find my rocks. (stop laughing.) He made me question myself in my dream which I did not appreciate. And he told me twice that I need to put my rock collection in his care so he could preserve them. I refused letting him have my rocks because I assumed he was just telling me that because it was money for his business. When I woke up I knew the teacher was the Lord. So why did he make me question myself? And why did he want my rocks? I judged him with preconceived ideas. I assumed things. (I did find out later why he made me question myself and I'll post that with my dream. It's the coolest thing ever.)
It took two dreams plus Mary's story to make me realize that I do not trust Father as a child. I have preconceived ideas on how things should work or why things are a certain way. "A business man isn't out to help me. He wants my money." But then I had an inner knowing that drew me to him. I trusted what I've learned from living instead of trusting that knowing on the inside of me. Father showed me that I hesitate. Instead of resting and trusting in what he says, I think I have to know the answers. I think I HAVE the answers. Really all I have to know is the one who IS the answer. It's a backwards way of thinking from what I've learned. It is unlearning a whole bunch of self-help modules that I have subjected myself to for years and years. I'm afraid to fully trust because of all kinds of things I suppose. I'm afraid that trusting might make me embarrassed because of the thousands of naive comments and jokes played on me in the past. Or maybe that I have a belief that, "nobody could be that good." But the truth is that God really is that good. He only wants to love me. He doesn't have anything to take from me or teach me. There are no hidden agendas to improve me or get something out of me. He just loves me because he loves me and that's it. I can learn to trust him as a child would trust---like I used to trust. I can trust myself to trust because I know from the inside that he is good. I have an inner knowing of my who my Daddy is and I can trust him.
I've been "playing" in the glory a bit with some new acquaintances we recently met. It's really weird to me. The very first minute of the meeting God taught me that I hesitate. They had us stand up for worship, and I had some preconceived ideas of what that meant. Then Father gently revealed to me that I don't have to participate in anything I don't want to, but if I want to come and play, then he welcomes that. Who cares if everyone in the room happens to be playing for real or just pretending. I can enjoy time with my Dad without having any judgments on myself or others. It was literally the sweetest time of worship I have ever had, and definitely the most power-packed of revelation. I liken it to a play ground. A place where kids play. I didn't construct the swings and slides. I might not even know everything there is to know about the safety. I don't even know how it was built, but that doesn't mean I can't go and play. I can experience the playground just as any other child would without having answers. I can even have a perfectly wonderful time without having questions. I believe that is what God is revealing to me by helping me unlearn how I am "supposed" to be. I've been taught to hesitate. There is so much more rest in trust.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tis The Season To Be Mary Part 1
I have been wanting to write about a little ponder I have had for over a month now. With the Christmas season upon us, how appropriate that God would use Mary to teach me about obedience.
"Obedience"....sigh
I had a belief, a judgment, about that four-syllable word that just seemed to prevent me from seeing some things. I could feel the box, but I didn't know exactly what it was. I have been well acquainted with people who abuse that word to either make themselves seem more "spiritual" than the rest of us, or use it to manipulate people into "doing." I just didn't quite understand what it meant. Something always felt yucky when people would use that term and "sacrifice" in the same conversation. I always felt like Jesus is the all-encompassing sacrifice and anything I "offered" was a form of self-righteousness, but then I hear people teaching about the other "side of the coin," and it made a lot of sense too.
I always thought of obedience as "an instruction that you follow." I KNOW that Father has asked me to do things that I wasn't real excited about doing. I even had to make some really tough decisions this year. I know I heard his voice and his instruction, but Gosh! The decisions were not easy. I did it because I knew that even if I didn't know why, I could trust he had my best interest in mind and it would work out for the good, the great, the fantastic. ...and it has and I can see why now, and I am very thankful that I "followed" that voice even though I didn't understand it all. Sometimes it is just the fear of the unknown that might make us hesitate to be "obedient." It made sense to me that Jesus never seemed to heal the same way twice because he was "following" instructions, but I just didn't quite understand why.
I heard Bertie (God love him) speak on grace, and he said something that went a little like, "obedience for people in grace is doing what they want to do." Now that is probably not a direct quote, but whatever he said, when he said it, it felt right. It felt liberating. The fragrance of freedom was in the air, and I grew hungry to taste it again. Once you've tasted true freedom it is difficult to dine on anything less. But it just seemed out of my reach because of the box I had built around my heart in this area. So I did what we all should do when we have questions like this. I asked my Father. The answer didn't come right away, but it came.
I was driving to one of my jobs listening to some good quality God-pong. There was not one thing mentioned about "obedience," but something she said opened up my box and Father dropped a load of revelation into my Spirit that has helped me to see a little more. She read the Christmas story.
I was thinking of "Obedience" all wrong.
This is an example of hearing instruction and following it when I didn't want to: (Boy, is it pertinent!) Sometimes God gives me words from him for people. I got one for a dear friend. There was a lot to it, but I kept hearing just one word over and over and over. That word was, "obedient." The Lord wanted me to tell my friend to be obedient. "Please, No Lord!" I said, because I knew my friend had been beaten, belittled, and abused by that word. I did NOT want to say that, but that is what the Lord said to do. Now I love to cook with a good wooden spoon, but I felt like I was giving a wooden spoon as a gift to someone who had been beaten by one as an innocent child. I hesitated badly, but then I finally, sheepishly told my friend. I wondered at that time if maybe "obedience" is when the hearts of other people were involved. But even that still didn't fit quite right. I was puzzled, and really I still have so much to awaken to.
According to Bertie, (and I agree with him 100%), if I didn't want to do it, there would be a law working in my life somewhere. I followed the instruction, so therefore in my mind, I was obedient. Right? I don't know. Hmmmmmm...
So I was driving down the road listening to a beautiful message on the Christmas story. She read about the Holy Spirit hovering over Mary. When the word of the Lord came, Mary believed it and said, "be it unto me according to your word." Then she became pregnant. Pregnant WITH THE WORD, himself. WOW. The more I meditate on that especially as a mom of three boys, the more bewildered and in awe of how all that went down. She was just a kid. An unmarried girl who was old enough to know how socially unacceptable being pregnant for her would be. I wonder if she thought of that before she received that word? She did hesitate. She questioned the Angel. "How can this be?" ----(more on that in Part 2.)
I love this analogy from Rob Rufus... If I had a tuning fork that I used to tune my piano and then gave the same tuning fork to you so you can tune your piano, our pianos would be in tune to each other even though they were never even around each other. Just like if I am listening to voice of God and you are listening to the voice of God, then we will be tuned to each other.
The Spirit of the Lord was hovering over Mary and she became in tune to it. There was an agreement that took place. Sometimes it is hard for me to interpret God's language of revelation into English, but for pathetic explanation purposes, The Lord was offering her a "possibility" and she agreed with it. The very cells in her body based on her belief system began to sing the same song that was being sung in the Spirit. She responded to the song, creative vibrations, of the Holy Spirit. And when they were in tune...BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! The Word of God, Our Lord and Savior, The Innocent Lamb, The Great I AM, The Beginning and the End, The Truth, The Way, The Life started physically growing inside her. Merry Christmas and a Happy Happy Happy Brand NEW EVERYTHING!!!!!
I realized that I have been viewing "obedience" totally wrong. I thought it was, "an instruction that we follow." But that is not it at all. Obedience is when we come into agreement with the Spirit of the Lord and his desires. Obedience IS grace. The more I awaken to grace, the more what I want IS what He wants because we are singing the same tune. We are the same person. It isn't me any more, it is Christ that lives. Looking back, I can see that the instructions I heard and followed were correct, but my heart wasn't awakened to grace fully in those areas and that is why it felt sacrificey. The more he reveals himself to me, and the more I discover my identity, the more what he wants is what I want. I do because I want to and that's it. It's WE instead of me. The more revelation of the pure grace of God I wake up to, the more taking all the carts back up to kroger as I walk in is an honor to me to bless others. The more going to work everyday is an overwhelming joy for the opportunity. The more getting to pick up my boys' toys and doing laundry is a blessing because we have things to clean up and home to clean them up in. Even listening to their whiny, tired cries is an honor because they feel comfortable enough around me to share their true feelings. Sometimes do I feel like these things are a sacrifice? Yep. You betcha! But I have no doubt in my mind that when I feel that way, somewhere deep down I am operating under law instead of resting in grace. I know the more I wake up to the revelation of his truth, the easier and even more enjoyable life will be. Does that mean that I feel condemned when I think I would rather jump off a cliff than pick up that same pile of mess again? Hope not. Condemnation itself is the chains that bind us to the law. Let's just rest, and be content knowing that we don't have all the answers and don't have to. I do think that is why God even gives us grace for the grace. Even Mary hesitated (for lack of a better word)and she was the chosen mom for God in the flesh. Pretty amazing that God became totally vulnerable and trusted Man completely. That is humbling love right there.
Back to the word I gave my friend... I called right away and told my friend what I now realize "obedience" is and why Father would use that term. It is nothing short of a case of turning ashes into beauty. What someone had meant to use to destroy, the Lord was using the same thing to build and strengthen. Wow! What a good Father our God is! He took the ugly stick----a symbol of worthlessness, and turned it into a symbol of the song that is sung over him by the only voice that matters. I learned so much from that experience and I am so thankful he allowed me to be the messenger of that word..."Obedience."
Doesn't knowing that give a new, wonderful perspective on the verse, "Obedience is better than sacrifice?" (1 Sam 15:22) Yes it does!(I wonder if Mary had felt it was sacrifice if she would have been impregnated? Guess that's another question to ask Dad.)
Big thanks to Mary for her obedience! Tis the season to be Mary!!!!!
"Obedience"....sigh
I had a belief, a judgment, about that four-syllable word that just seemed to prevent me from seeing some things. I could feel the box, but I didn't know exactly what it was. I have been well acquainted with people who abuse that word to either make themselves seem more "spiritual" than the rest of us, or use it to manipulate people into "doing." I just didn't quite understand what it meant. Something always felt yucky when people would use that term and "sacrifice" in the same conversation. I always felt like Jesus is the all-encompassing sacrifice and anything I "offered" was a form of self-righteousness, but then I hear people teaching about the other "side of the coin," and it made a lot of sense too.
I always thought of obedience as "an instruction that you follow." I KNOW that Father has asked me to do things that I wasn't real excited about doing. I even had to make some really tough decisions this year. I know I heard his voice and his instruction, but Gosh! The decisions were not easy. I did it because I knew that even if I didn't know why, I could trust he had my best interest in mind and it would work out for the good, the great, the fantastic. ...and it has and I can see why now, and I am very thankful that I "followed" that voice even though I didn't understand it all. Sometimes it is just the fear of the unknown that might make us hesitate to be "obedient." It made sense to me that Jesus never seemed to heal the same way twice because he was "following" instructions, but I just didn't quite understand why.
I heard Bertie (God love him) speak on grace, and he said something that went a little like, "obedience for people in grace is doing what they want to do." Now that is probably not a direct quote, but whatever he said, when he said it, it felt right. It felt liberating. The fragrance of freedom was in the air, and I grew hungry to taste it again. Once you've tasted true freedom it is difficult to dine on anything less. But it just seemed out of my reach because of the box I had built around my heart in this area. So I did what we all should do when we have questions like this. I asked my Father. The answer didn't come right away, but it came.
I was driving to one of my jobs listening to some good quality God-pong. There was not one thing mentioned about "obedience," but something she said opened up my box and Father dropped a load of revelation into my Spirit that has helped me to see a little more. She read the Christmas story.
I was thinking of "Obedience" all wrong.
This is an example of hearing instruction and following it when I didn't want to: (Boy, is it pertinent!) Sometimes God gives me words from him for people. I got one for a dear friend. There was a lot to it, but I kept hearing just one word over and over and over. That word was, "obedient." The Lord wanted me to tell my friend to be obedient. "Please, No Lord!" I said, because I knew my friend had been beaten, belittled, and abused by that word. I did NOT want to say that, but that is what the Lord said to do. Now I love to cook with a good wooden spoon, but I felt like I was giving a wooden spoon as a gift to someone who had been beaten by one as an innocent child. I hesitated badly, but then I finally, sheepishly told my friend. I wondered at that time if maybe "obedience" is when the hearts of other people were involved. But even that still didn't fit quite right. I was puzzled, and really I still have so much to awaken to.
According to Bertie, (and I agree with him 100%), if I didn't want to do it, there would be a law working in my life somewhere. I followed the instruction, so therefore in my mind, I was obedient. Right? I don't know. Hmmmmmm...
So I was driving down the road listening to a beautiful message on the Christmas story. She read about the Holy Spirit hovering over Mary. When the word of the Lord came, Mary believed it and said, "be it unto me according to your word." Then she became pregnant. Pregnant WITH THE WORD, himself. WOW. The more I meditate on that especially as a mom of three boys, the more bewildered and in awe of how all that went down. She was just a kid. An unmarried girl who was old enough to know how socially unacceptable being pregnant for her would be. I wonder if she thought of that before she received that word? She did hesitate. She questioned the Angel. "How can this be?" ----(more on that in Part 2.)
I love this analogy from Rob Rufus... If I had a tuning fork that I used to tune my piano and then gave the same tuning fork to you so you can tune your piano, our pianos would be in tune to each other even though they were never even around each other. Just like if I am listening to voice of God and you are listening to the voice of God, then we will be tuned to each other.
The Spirit of the Lord was hovering over Mary and she became in tune to it. There was an agreement that took place. Sometimes it is hard for me to interpret God's language of revelation into English, but for pathetic explanation purposes, The Lord was offering her a "possibility" and she agreed with it. The very cells in her body based on her belief system began to sing the same song that was being sung in the Spirit. She responded to the song, creative vibrations, of the Holy Spirit. And when they were in tune...BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! The Word of God, Our Lord and Savior, The Innocent Lamb, The Great I AM, The Beginning and the End, The Truth, The Way, The Life started physically growing inside her. Merry Christmas and a Happy Happy Happy Brand NEW EVERYTHING!!!!!
I realized that I have been viewing "obedience" totally wrong. I thought it was, "an instruction that we follow." But that is not it at all. Obedience is when we come into agreement with the Spirit of the Lord and his desires. Obedience IS grace. The more I awaken to grace, the more what I want IS what He wants because we are singing the same tune. We are the same person. It isn't me any more, it is Christ that lives. Looking back, I can see that the instructions I heard and followed were correct, but my heart wasn't awakened to grace fully in those areas and that is why it felt sacrificey. The more he reveals himself to me, and the more I discover my identity, the more what he wants is what I want. I do because I want to and that's it. It's WE instead of me. The more revelation of the pure grace of God I wake up to, the more taking all the carts back up to kroger as I walk in is an honor to me to bless others. The more going to work everyday is an overwhelming joy for the opportunity. The more getting to pick up my boys' toys and doing laundry is a blessing because we have things to clean up and home to clean them up in. Even listening to their whiny, tired cries is an honor because they feel comfortable enough around me to share their true feelings. Sometimes do I feel like these things are a sacrifice? Yep. You betcha! But I have no doubt in my mind that when I feel that way, somewhere deep down I am operating under law instead of resting in grace. I know the more I wake up to the revelation of his truth, the easier and even more enjoyable life will be. Does that mean that I feel condemned when I think I would rather jump off a cliff than pick up that same pile of mess again? Hope not. Condemnation itself is the chains that bind us to the law. Let's just rest, and be content knowing that we don't have all the answers and don't have to. I do think that is why God even gives us grace for the grace. Even Mary hesitated (for lack of a better word)and she was the chosen mom for God in the flesh. Pretty amazing that God became totally vulnerable and trusted Man completely. That is humbling love right there.
Back to the word I gave my friend... I called right away and told my friend what I now realize "obedience" is and why Father would use that term. It is nothing short of a case of turning ashes into beauty. What someone had meant to use to destroy, the Lord was using the same thing to build and strengthen. Wow! What a good Father our God is! He took the ugly stick----a symbol of worthlessness, and turned it into a symbol of the song that is sung over him by the only voice that matters. I learned so much from that experience and I am so thankful he allowed me to be the messenger of that word..."Obedience."
Doesn't knowing that give a new, wonderful perspective on the verse, "Obedience is better than sacrifice?" (1 Sam 15:22) Yes it does!(I wonder if Mary had felt it was sacrifice if she would have been impregnated? Guess that's another question to ask Dad.)
Big thanks to Mary for her obedience! Tis the season to be Mary!!!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wayne
This is my follow-up Thank-vember to elaborate on point #1....I am thankful for Wayne.
I almost don't even know where to start...
As I write this I am reminded of a time I forced myself to be thankful. (I'm laughing as I remember.) I was washing dishes. Wayne came home from a hard day at work to some really, really, really, really bad news. I did something uber stupid I had to tell him about. He said nothing. I knew he had to be upset, so I encouraged him to tell me what was wrong. (duh.) He still said nothing. I was thinking that if it was me, I would feel better to vent, so I nagged him and nagged him until he spoke. Um.....that was the SECOND dumb thing I did that day. He finally complied. Boy, did I ask for it! LOL! So he stepped out to get some fresh air to figure out how to fix what I had done. (I am so laughing!) And I stood at the sink fuming mad and feeling very stupid for doing that. After a minute or two, I came to the realization that I had a choice to make. I could stay offended or could recover my sight. I knew that if I could list things I was thankful for Wayne for,(because the Lord TOLD me to,) it would help me to get over my petty anger. Um...it took a minute for me to think of one. As I waited for one to pop up out of the mad-cloud, I was thinking, "I'm going to make a list so if I ever get mad again, I can just read my list instead of trying to think of something." But it didn't take long before one came, and then another, and another and another, until suddenly I forgot there had ever even been a fog of negativity. I was overcome with the value of this really great life-fixer I am married to forever. I'm pretty sure that is the last time I have been mad at him. That was about a year and a half or two years ago.
Here are some things on my list....
Sometimes he makes up the bed just before bedtime just because he knows I love that. He could sleep on the raw mattress with a pile of covers wadded up on top of him.
He is a really, really, really, really, really x 100000000 great dad.
If he loves something more than me, I can't tell it.
He loves my family and goes to family events.
He insists I put my cold feet on him under the covers so they can warm up. ...Now THAT is a man!
He wrote me a song....and it's good.
Actually, he writes a lot of songs that are good. He is a true word-smith. I think I want to have a rustic-looking living room someday with the words of his first hit etched into the wood at the top of the wall. Yeah, that would be pretty awesome.
Our boys adore him. They respect him, but can't wait to play with him. They want to sit by him at the table. When he says something, it is law. When mom says something, they might think about it.
Even though I was a stay-at-home mom, he let me sleep in on his days off. And now that I am working, he lets me sleep in on my days off.
He has gotten out of bed on very cold nights because I decided I needed a shower at 2:00 am to fix the water under the house.
He is my laundry man and has been the majority of our marriage.
He ALWAYS goes over the limit we set on gifts for each other at Christmas. I totally don't think this is fair, but I am also not complaining. His gifts are fabulous and well thought out. They are usually creative with a theme.
I love it when he won't put up with drama.
When we take pictures of our boys, Wayne does the funniest stuff even causing himself bodily harm to get them to laugh. He definitely does the hard part, but I always get credit for the picture.
He makes a mean cinnamon toast, and he has certain technique I've noticed to gently tap out the Cinnamon/sugar mixture.
He is content to keep quiet, but when he speaks, a FLOOD of bold revelation accompanies his few gentle words.
He will take verbal abuse as long as he knows it is preventing someone else from getting it.
He hears from the Lord. Oh my gosh he does.
He really likes being a man, and his boys are getting a good example of what it means to be one.
He is a servant as evidenced by it is even coming out in his sons. Luke and I were the only ones left at the supper table. Luke asked to be excused, but before he left, he filled up my cup just because he noticed it was empty. That is the sort of thing he sees his dad do.
He is the most honorable person I know.
He has mastered the grill.
His heart is child-like, but he is very responsible.
He thinks about everything he does and therefore, everything he does is excellent. If he is going to do it, it will be done right.
He teaches me more about the God kind of life by his words and his example than anyone, and does it without thinking I need to be improved. ---That sounds like God to me.
Something pretty amazing happens when he sings.
He is REALLY smart and I'm really thankful our kids get to dip in that gene pool.
He likes to laugh.
He works really hard at whatever he does. He is willing to do whatever he would have to do to make sure our family is provided for. That is really comforting to know he's that way.
Wayne folds laundry during football to justify watching football. Ha Ha Ha!
I love to hear him read bedtime stories.
Our boys know he loves them.
When he prays, sickness goes away.
He thanks me when I take out the trash or pay our bills.
He can complete a days-worth of errands with three boys in about two hours. If you have ever had more than one little kid, you know why this is amazing.
He will watch Backyardigans even though the game is on.
Sometimes I come home late and he and the boys have fallen asleep on the pull-out couch watching a movie.
He never comes to my pity party no matter how strongly I invite him, which helps me to recover to the high road more quickly.
He cries with me especially when we think about how fast the boys are growing up.
He truly, genuinely, purely loves people and has a desire to help them learn to experience their Father's love and hear His voice.
Nothing is more HOT than a man who is not ashamed to worship.
Even though thinking on two things doesn't come easy for the male species, Wayne concentrates hard on what I am saying to the point that he will forget where he needs to turn when he is driving. I really, really love that.
He thinks often about people he wishes he could protect from potentially getting hurt, but honors their freedom to make choices and hear from God for themselves. I really appreciate that about him.
I can trust him to make the right decisions because I know his character and he is motivated by love.
He put up the Christmas tree and we all decorated it.
He is the nicest guy, but he is not easily fooled. He has wisdom beyond his years.
He makes our home pressure-free.
He plays with boys, but their toys are put up at the end of the day. I have no idea how that happens.
When I come home, he is faithful to meet me outside to see if there is anything he can carry in for me.
I've got more to say, but I think I'm going to go crawl next to him in our made-up bed. ....I am just really thankful for him who makes my life sweet and easy because he knows really well the author of the sweet and easy life.
I almost don't even know where to start...
As I write this I am reminded of a time I forced myself to be thankful. (I'm laughing as I remember.) I was washing dishes. Wayne came home from a hard day at work to some really, really, really, really bad news. I did something uber stupid I had to tell him about. He said nothing. I knew he had to be upset, so I encouraged him to tell me what was wrong. (duh.) He still said nothing. I was thinking that if it was me, I would feel better to vent, so I nagged him and nagged him until he spoke. Um.....that was the SECOND dumb thing I did that day. He finally complied. Boy, did I ask for it! LOL! So he stepped out to get some fresh air to figure out how to fix what I had done. (I am so laughing!) And I stood at the sink fuming mad and feeling very stupid for doing that. After a minute or two, I came to the realization that I had a choice to make. I could stay offended or could recover my sight. I knew that if I could list things I was thankful for Wayne for,(because the Lord TOLD me to,) it would help me to get over my petty anger. Um...it took a minute for me to think of one. As I waited for one to pop up out of the mad-cloud, I was thinking, "I'm going to make a list so if I ever get mad again, I can just read my list instead of trying to think of something." But it didn't take long before one came, and then another, and another and another, until suddenly I forgot there had ever even been a fog of negativity. I was overcome with the value of this really great life-fixer I am married to forever. I'm pretty sure that is the last time I have been mad at him. That was about a year and a half or two years ago.
Here are some things on my list....
Sometimes he makes up the bed just before bedtime just because he knows I love that. He could sleep on the raw mattress with a pile of covers wadded up on top of him.
He is a really, really, really, really, really x 100000000 great dad.
If he loves something more than me, I can't tell it.
He loves my family and goes to family events.
He insists I put my cold feet on him under the covers so they can warm up. ...Now THAT is a man!
He wrote me a song....and it's good.
Actually, he writes a lot of songs that are good. He is a true word-smith. I think I want to have a rustic-looking living room someday with the words of his first hit etched into the wood at the top of the wall. Yeah, that would be pretty awesome.
Our boys adore him. They respect him, but can't wait to play with him. They want to sit by him at the table. When he says something, it is law. When mom says something, they might think about it.
Even though I was a stay-at-home mom, he let me sleep in on his days off. And now that I am working, he lets me sleep in on my days off.
He has gotten out of bed on very cold nights because I decided I needed a shower at 2:00 am to fix the water under the house.
He is my laundry man and has been the majority of our marriage.
He ALWAYS goes over the limit we set on gifts for each other at Christmas. I totally don't think this is fair, but I am also not complaining. His gifts are fabulous and well thought out. They are usually creative with a theme.
I love it when he won't put up with drama.
When we take pictures of our boys, Wayne does the funniest stuff even causing himself bodily harm to get them to laugh. He definitely does the hard part, but I always get credit for the picture.
He makes a mean cinnamon toast, and he has certain technique I've noticed to gently tap out the Cinnamon/sugar mixture.
He is content to keep quiet, but when he speaks, a FLOOD of bold revelation accompanies his few gentle words.
He will take verbal abuse as long as he knows it is preventing someone else from getting it.
He hears from the Lord. Oh my gosh he does.
He really likes being a man, and his boys are getting a good example of what it means to be one.
He is a servant as evidenced by it is even coming out in his sons. Luke and I were the only ones left at the supper table. Luke asked to be excused, but before he left, he filled up my cup just because he noticed it was empty. That is the sort of thing he sees his dad do.
He is the most honorable person I know.
He has mastered the grill.
His heart is child-like, but he is very responsible.
He thinks about everything he does and therefore, everything he does is excellent. If he is going to do it, it will be done right.
He teaches me more about the God kind of life by his words and his example than anyone, and does it without thinking I need to be improved. ---That sounds like God to me.
Something pretty amazing happens when he sings.
He is REALLY smart and I'm really thankful our kids get to dip in that gene pool.
He likes to laugh.
He works really hard at whatever he does. He is willing to do whatever he would have to do to make sure our family is provided for. That is really comforting to know he's that way.
Wayne folds laundry during football to justify watching football. Ha Ha Ha!
I love to hear him read bedtime stories.
Our boys know he loves them.
When he prays, sickness goes away.
He thanks me when I take out the trash or pay our bills.
He can complete a days-worth of errands with three boys in about two hours. If you have ever had more than one little kid, you know why this is amazing.
He will watch Backyardigans even though the game is on.
Sometimes I come home late and he and the boys have fallen asleep on the pull-out couch watching a movie.
He never comes to my pity party no matter how strongly I invite him, which helps me to recover to the high road more quickly.
He cries with me especially when we think about how fast the boys are growing up.
He truly, genuinely, purely loves people and has a desire to help them learn to experience their Father's love and hear His voice.
Nothing is more HOT than a man who is not ashamed to worship.
Even though thinking on two things doesn't come easy for the male species, Wayne concentrates hard on what I am saying to the point that he will forget where he needs to turn when he is driving. I really, really love that.
He thinks often about people he wishes he could protect from potentially getting hurt, but honors their freedom to make choices and hear from God for themselves. I really appreciate that about him.
I can trust him to make the right decisions because I know his character and he is motivated by love.
He put up the Christmas tree and we all decorated it.
He is the nicest guy, but he is not easily fooled. He has wisdom beyond his years.
He makes our home pressure-free.
He plays with boys, but their toys are put up at the end of the day. I have no idea how that happens.
When I come home, he is faithful to meet me outside to see if there is anything he can carry in for me.
I've got more to say, but I think I'm going to go crawl next to him in our made-up bed. ....I am just really thankful for him who makes my life sweet and easy because he knows really well the author of the sweet and easy life.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thank-vember
I didn't do a daily post about something I am thankful for everyday in November on Facebook, but I decided to post them all at once right here. I love what my friend, Terry does. Thanksgiving or not, she posts three things she is thankful for everyday.
1. I'm very thankful for Wayne. For those of you who truly know him, there is no explanation needed for why that full-grown boy is number one on my list. For those of you who don't, I think I will follow up with a post just for you.
2. Three very active, very funny, very precious, healthy, little boys who have become my greatest teachers about life.
3. Apparently, I was raised in a bubble. I'm learning that the way I was before I was "trained" to be an adult, is actually the goal. Father is restoring precious childhood memories and renewing my mind as a child. I'm thankful for my raising and the bubble of innocence. I really had a wonderful childhood with a very wonderful, humongous family.
4. Coffee. Although, I still need to sissy it up, I have finally reached my lifelong goal to love to drink coffee like all the cool people I see drinking coffee. I only have one cup unless it is a special occasion like midnight of Black Friday, but some days I don't drink it at all. I'm thankful I love it, I have it, but don't need it to function.
5. Friends that hear from the Lord. Wise counsel of people who know my Father because they love people for no reason except they love people. My God-pong friends.
6. My three special girls. Beth, Sena, Jenny. The four times we get together a year alone make me happy to be alive.
7. Dreams, and the messages they bring.
8. My big, rustic dining room table. Eating around it with family and friends just feels like that is the way things are supposed to be.
9. I am thankful for forgiveness and for friends who show me how it's done.
10. I am VERY thankful to be living in the electronic age. Even though my brain is Amish, I still really enjoy being able to instantly communicate with my friends overseas or other parts of the country, and watch teachers from all over the world anytime I want. Wow! That is really amazing!
11. I am thankful for the happy noises of living, but I am also very thankful for the silences.
12. I get to live on a Mountain in Tennessee. That's pretty amazing. It is like living on vacation.
13. For the still small voice.
14. Both my grandmothers are still living, healthy, and active.
15. I am thankful for people who love on kids for free.
16. I am thankful that my boys have a fantastic extended family with the best grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins ever, and they are the fifth generation to live on Blaylock mountain.
17. I am very thankful for my jobs. I am filled up now. It's even more than I was hoping for. And I'm thankful that I am married to a man who is willing to let me step out to do this while he does the majority of the parenting.
18. I am thankful for people who love to laugh.
19. I am thankful for the Movies, "The Matix," "Count of Monte Cristo," "Princess Bride," and "Groundhog Day."
20. I am thankful I'm getting a new niece in January. JUST WHAT I WANTED!
21. I am thankful for Just Dance 2 game and that everybody in my house loves to play it. It's absolutely the best.
22. I am thankful for contentment for today even though there is more to wake up to tomorrow. I'm happy today, but tomorrow I know I will realize that "yesterday" was nothing compared to today.I'm amazed at how that works.
23. I am thankful that there are probably twenty different structures of tinker toys strategically placed in the floor upstairs for whatever war was fixing to take place. Sometimes I get frustrated that the house never seems to be picked up all the way, but I know in a few years I will miss finding matchbox cars and dinosaurs in the pantry.
24. I am thankful to live in a country where soldiers get a standing ovation at a sporting events. I love that so much.
25. I am thankful to live in a house with more than one indoor bathroom.
26. I am thankful that any time day or night I can make a run to town for pretty much anything. 1. We live in a free land with no curfew. 2. There are stores to accommodate that freedom. ...That is just stupidly, wonderfully spoiled.
27. We can decide to take our boys to school or teach them at home.
28. I am thankful, truly, truly thankful, that there is only once voice that matters and that He continually draws me to him.
29. I am thankful that everyone in the house went to bed tonight and every night with full bellies.
30. I am very thankful it's Christmas time and having three little boys (Well, four) to get excited about it with.
1. I'm very thankful for Wayne. For those of you who truly know him, there is no explanation needed for why that full-grown boy is number one on my list. For those of you who don't, I think I will follow up with a post just for you.
2. Three very active, very funny, very precious, healthy, little boys who have become my greatest teachers about life.
3. Apparently, I was raised in a bubble. I'm learning that the way I was before I was "trained" to be an adult, is actually the goal. Father is restoring precious childhood memories and renewing my mind as a child. I'm thankful for my raising and the bubble of innocence. I really had a wonderful childhood with a very wonderful, humongous family.
4. Coffee. Although, I still need to sissy it up, I have finally reached my lifelong goal to love to drink coffee like all the cool people I see drinking coffee. I only have one cup unless it is a special occasion like midnight of Black Friday, but some days I don't drink it at all. I'm thankful I love it, I have it, but don't need it to function.
5. Friends that hear from the Lord. Wise counsel of people who know my Father because they love people for no reason except they love people. My God-pong friends.
6. My three special girls. Beth, Sena, Jenny. The four times we get together a year alone make me happy to be alive.
7. Dreams, and the messages they bring.
8. My big, rustic dining room table. Eating around it with family and friends just feels like that is the way things are supposed to be.
9. I am thankful for forgiveness and for friends who show me how it's done.
10. I am VERY thankful to be living in the electronic age. Even though my brain is Amish, I still really enjoy being able to instantly communicate with my friends overseas or other parts of the country, and watch teachers from all over the world anytime I want. Wow! That is really amazing!
11. I am thankful for the happy noises of living, but I am also very thankful for the silences.
12. I get to live on a Mountain in Tennessee. That's pretty amazing. It is like living on vacation.
13. For the still small voice.
14. Both my grandmothers are still living, healthy, and active.
15. I am thankful for people who love on kids for free.
16. I am thankful that my boys have a fantastic extended family with the best grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins ever, and they are the fifth generation to live on Blaylock mountain.
17. I am very thankful for my jobs. I am filled up now. It's even more than I was hoping for. And I'm thankful that I am married to a man who is willing to let me step out to do this while he does the majority of the parenting.
18. I am thankful for people who love to laugh.
19. I am thankful for the Movies, "The Matix," "Count of Monte Cristo," "Princess Bride," and "Groundhog Day."
20. I am thankful I'm getting a new niece in January. JUST WHAT I WANTED!
21. I am thankful for Just Dance 2 game and that everybody in my house loves to play it. It's absolutely the best.
22. I am thankful for contentment for today even though there is more to wake up to tomorrow. I'm happy today, but tomorrow I know I will realize that "yesterday" was nothing compared to today.I'm amazed at how that works.
23. I am thankful that there are probably twenty different structures of tinker toys strategically placed in the floor upstairs for whatever war was fixing to take place. Sometimes I get frustrated that the house never seems to be picked up all the way, but I know in a few years I will miss finding matchbox cars and dinosaurs in the pantry.
24. I am thankful to live in a country where soldiers get a standing ovation at a sporting events. I love that so much.
25. I am thankful to live in a house with more than one indoor bathroom.
26. I am thankful that any time day or night I can make a run to town for pretty much anything. 1. We live in a free land with no curfew. 2. There are stores to accommodate that freedom. ...That is just stupidly, wonderfully spoiled.
27. We can decide to take our boys to school or teach them at home.
28. I am thankful, truly, truly thankful, that there is only once voice that matters and that He continually draws me to him.
29. I am thankful that everyone in the house went to bed tonight and every night with full bellies.
30. I am very thankful it's Christmas time and having three little boys (Well, four) to get excited about it with.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Lesson From Wayne: Peace of Mess
I married up, and I like to say I married up. Wayne is the greatest. I mean I really like him and all that stuff, but he regularly reveals more to me about who God is than any person ever. I think that is probably pretty amazing since I live with him and know him best. He has always been that way, but the past two or three years it has been supersized revelation. Wayne is an example of Love, and since God IS Love, Wayne is constantly revealing God and his nature in our home. This is one thing that really got my attention this week.
I woke up Monday morning just basically depressed. The house looked like it had three tornadoes that spent the weekend with us, because well, we have three tornadoes that plan to live here for apparently the rest of their lives. I wanted to play with the boys and do things I wanted to do, but I felt like it would be responsible to clean. I was really grumpy. I felt guilty because I was depressed over something as dumb as a messy house. It was just an all around stupid cycle. I also feel terrible because Wayne worked on Monday, and I feel like it's nice of me if I don't lay around all day. I feel like I should keep the house picked up and cook food and stuff like that. Most day, I like doing that. That was not the case on Monday. I felt like if I had to pick up the same mess that I have picked up ten thousand times the week before, I would explode. I did things. I fed the boys and some other maintenance chores, but then I decided I was going to forget being responsible and take a nap.
It was amazing. God gave me some dreams that were very wonderful packed full of revelation. I felt empowered when I woke up, and I wasn't grumpy anymore either. But the house didn't get cleaned up all the way. Wayne came home, and at some point in the evening I brought up the status of the house. Wayne just sort of calmly, like it was no big deal said, "Audrey, If you want to clean the house, clean it. And if you don't want to, then don't." and that was that. He totally took away my pressure. Being pressure free made me WANT to get the house clean.
Wednesday, I was home again. We really needed to pick up the house AGAIN. Company was coming the next day, but I chose to take the boys to story time at the library and then had a nice visit with Nana. By the time we got back home, we only had maybe two hours before Wayne got home and it would be time to cook supper. The boys and I EFFORTLESSLY got everything picked up. Cleaning turned into quality time and it was fun. I don't want to live in a mess, but I realized that living in peace with some mess is better than clean pressure.
So our house may not be the best kept house, but just come over anyway. We'll make you feel good about yourself.
I woke up Monday morning just basically depressed. The house looked like it had three tornadoes that spent the weekend with us, because well, we have three tornadoes that plan to live here for apparently the rest of their lives. I wanted to play with the boys and do things I wanted to do, but I felt like it would be responsible to clean. I was really grumpy. I felt guilty because I was depressed over something as dumb as a messy house. It was just an all around stupid cycle. I also feel terrible because Wayne worked on Monday, and I feel like it's nice of me if I don't lay around all day. I feel like I should keep the house picked up and cook food and stuff like that. Most day, I like doing that. That was not the case on Monday. I felt like if I had to pick up the same mess that I have picked up ten thousand times the week before, I would explode. I did things. I fed the boys and some other maintenance chores, but then I decided I was going to forget being responsible and take a nap.
It was amazing. God gave me some dreams that were very wonderful packed full of revelation. I felt empowered when I woke up, and I wasn't grumpy anymore either. But the house didn't get cleaned up all the way. Wayne came home, and at some point in the evening I brought up the status of the house. Wayne just sort of calmly, like it was no big deal said, "Audrey, If you want to clean the house, clean it. And if you don't want to, then don't." and that was that. He totally took away my pressure. Being pressure free made me WANT to get the house clean.
Wednesday, I was home again. We really needed to pick up the house AGAIN. Company was coming the next day, but I chose to take the boys to story time at the library and then had a nice visit with Nana. By the time we got back home, we only had maybe two hours before Wayne got home and it would be time to cook supper. The boys and I EFFORTLESSLY got everything picked up. Cleaning turned into quality time and it was fun. I don't want to live in a mess, but I realized that living in peace with some mess is better than clean pressure.
So our house may not be the best kept house, but just come over anyway. We'll make you feel good about yourself.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Living on the Other Side of The Wall
I was just a young girl when I remember seeing the wall being torn down that separated East and West Germany like it was yesterday. East Germany had been under communist control and the West was free. Although I know I was too young to fully understand the significance of that moment, I remember the emotional impact I experiences as I watched those people spill through the wall. Years later (like a decade or more,) I was in Germany visiting a friend who lives in the West Side of Germany. I went for a little walk at the Sienachtfest which is a festival of the lake that is also shared by Austria and Switzerland. I took a little rest beside the lake and met a young man named Jens. He spoke English as well as I spoke German, but for whatever reason we were able to communicate for a short conversation. He was from East Germany. As a goody-two-shoes from Bible Belt USA, I was just as surprised to meet someone like him with his way of Godless thinking as he was to meet someone like me. He was physically free enough now to visit the "other side of the wall," but he was not free in his mind. I'll never forget the look on his face as I spoke of hope and he spoke of the lack of it. After a few minutes, I left him to find my friend, but I knew in my inner most being that soon he would find who I had and that one day I would have another conversation with him in eternity. I think of him often.
He had been made free since he was a boy, and he thought he was free. But he still lived in a state of control in his mind and heart. He was born into a system that made him codependent and left no hope in his heart. He HAD been made free, but he just wasn't awaken to it fully. I identify with this too in a way. We have all been made free from a system that keeps our hearts in bondage, but some of us are awakened to it more than others. Everyday I realize the freedom I thought I walked in yesterday was not as free as I am today. The deeper revelation of Father's simplistic love for me, the more freedom I awaken too. It's a state of contentment and rest and peace that is birthed from the awareness of his love and value for us. It's the kind of freedom we live in know matter where our physical location. It reminds me of one of my favorite stories. Peter was in jail strapped to two soldiers surrounded by many more laying on the floor of a jail awaiting the death sentence his good friend John had just received, and the Bible tells us he was sleeping like a baby. What in the world? Peter was awaken to a reality in his mind that was more real than any place this world had to offer. I'm excited to wake up to HIS life freedom for me more and more. That is living in REAL freedom.
He had been made free since he was a boy, and he thought he was free. But he still lived in a state of control in his mind and heart. He was born into a system that made him codependent and left no hope in his heart. He HAD been made free, but he just wasn't awaken to it fully. I identify with this too in a way. We have all been made free from a system that keeps our hearts in bondage, but some of us are awakened to it more than others. Everyday I realize the freedom I thought I walked in yesterday was not as free as I am today. The deeper revelation of Father's simplistic love for me, the more freedom I awaken too. It's a state of contentment and rest and peace that is birthed from the awareness of his love and value for us. It's the kind of freedom we live in know matter where our physical location. It reminds me of one of my favorite stories. Peter was in jail strapped to two soldiers surrounded by many more laying on the floor of a jail awaiting the death sentence his good friend John had just received, and the Bible tells us he was sleeping like a baby. What in the world? Peter was awaken to a reality in his mind that was more real than any place this world had to offer. I'm excited to wake up to HIS life freedom for me more and more. That is living in REAL freedom.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Loving and Guarded
I have a little sis in the faith who randomly calls me to ask me questions. I probably learn more from her than she does from me, and I'm pretty sure that's how it is supposed to be. So she called me one night to ask me something like, "Can someone fully give and receive love and still have their heart guarded?" To which I laughed and replied, "I DON'T KNOW!" But it seems that when I truly admit that I do not know something with my soulish realm that some sort of a reply is able to work itself up from the depths even if it is just another question to God-pong about. We don't have to have an answer and in that freedom, the answer comes. What a great question, and therefore what a great teacher she is! This is what came up...
There is a difference between guarding our heart and building walls. It is necessary and vital to keep our hearts guarded, but we are not to build walls. Building walls around our hearts in order to protect ourselves from the fear of being hurt, or the memory of being hurt is unhealthy. The same walls built up to keep hurt out are the same walls that will keep God/Love out. They are the same walls that trap hurt in and become kryptonite to the healer. One of the most difficult things I have ever found in life is how to keep those walls down. It's scary. The initial process can be excruciating. It sort of reminds me of someone with a debilitating condition or after a major surgery who needs a remedy. The last thing a patient would want to do is physical therapy, but the doctors and therapist know that is the way to true healing without future impairment. OUCH! Pushing those patients is actually out of love when really you would just as soon slap them for their encouraging torture. It's our job to keep those walls down. It's a dying-to-self process. No walls mean love can come and go freely. It's humbling. We receive love and we give love. It prevents hardness of heart.
So if we are supposed to keep our hearts soft and open, then how do we guard them? (I love Father so much. He makes things so simple a child can understand it yet it carries a weight of revelation that could push over the world.) We are guarded from "words" that would distract us from the Truth. I can love you and receive love from you without adopting your opinion of me as the opinion of myself. I can choose to be humble and adopt the opinion Father has for me. We guard with one thing and that is revelation of who we are. Having a love tank full of "I am the righteousness of God" prevents any opinion of man from creeping up in there and infecting us with something untrue or unreal. There is one voice that matters. Knowing that voice of real love means that we can let our walls down, receive and give love, and any "hurt" that might come from another person will not infect or affect us. It can't. We can be so wrapped up in Truth that we don't even ponder a lie. We can love people and allow them to love us without giving them an undue power into our hearts that could hurt us. We allow people to hurt us when we place their opinion above Gods.
"Guard your heart" always sounded to me like something I had to "do." It was a necessary ploy to keep bad seeds from creating some major issue in my life later on. It was work to consciously decide, "I will let this fluffy thought come in, but I will take this one captive." Whew! Tired! It is so much more pleasant to now know that all I have to "do" (all I WANT to do) is rest in the love of my father, and keep my eyes focused on him and his voice. His lovely thoughts toward me are all that matter. Even if I mess up, I will take his opinion. Not mine. Not anybody's. Even if someone's opinion is good and lines up perfectly with Father's, then that is just confirmation, but that doesn't mean I let my guard down with them meaning, I do not elevate their opinion above Father's because next time, they might not have the same opinion. This totally eradicates codependency. I've been hurt before...boy have I been hurt! I ate a bowl full of rejection that was served to me with a silver spoon. Was it my fault that I was rejected? No it wasn't. We were not created for rejection, we were created for love. But it was my fault that I let my guard down. It took a LOOOOOOONG time for me to get back to the place where I totally forgave them and myself. Father had to do some major intervening and some major surgery. Thought I was healed up, then we had to go back in for another surgery. I was hurt. But now I genuinely love them. If they decided to throw some love my way, I could receive it with gladness. I am confident that there is nothing they could do or say to me that would cause me to be hurt again. Why? My love tank is running over with Father's opinion of me. To the churchy world, that might sound cocky, but if there is one thing I have learned it is that that is the purest form of humility. "Humble and Proud." (Ha Ha Ha) Reminds me of a song....doesn't it say, "Oh Lord It's hard to be humble when I'm perfect in every way." Hee Hee. Their opinion can not enter when the river of life is flowing out. That would be like trying to stuff a seed in a fire hose while it was on.
This itty bitty piece of revelation has even been carried over to our marriage. I must admit that I still have Mr. Blaylock's opinion of me pretty high up on the ol' heart shelf. It's easy to do with him because he is so very lovely, but even still I must know that God's opinion of me matters more than even my perfect other half.
You know? Sometimes he might have a bad day, but that doesn't mean I have to fall down their with him. I can guarantee you he doesn't jump in the pit with me when I have a bad day. (I'm laughing.) Sometimes it makes me mad that I can't knock him down with me. (I'm really laughing.) He did this awesome illustration when we taught about codependency to the youth. Two people can lean on each other (backs together.) But if one gets knocked down, the other inevitably falls. But if the same two people lean on Wayne, who represents God, then one can fall and the other doesn't. The one left standing is also in a position to help the other one back up to a standing position. We can't help each other when we all fall down. That's what I'm talking about. We lean on, or rest on, the opinion of Father so that if the whole world falls around us, we are standing because HE is steadfast and strong. Our rock. Our salvation. This codependent-free zone makes for a blissful marriage, and I'm not just saying that. I'm totally serious that the more we focus on Father's opinion and love for us, the less we depend on each other to meet our needs, the healthier our relationship becomes, the more in-love we are, and the more B.L.I.S.S.F.U.L and fun it is. Better everyday. No joke.
We had this HOLY COW person stay with us for a while. Yes, there were wonderful things we learned, but the nutrients were hard to digest with such a pill, if you get what I mean. I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes no question about it. Hind sight is 20/20. But you know? Her tactics didn't work with us. Actually, I didn't even recognize them as "hurtful" because they just pinged right off. I heard what she was saying but her opinion didn't carry weight. We saw more in her (good and evil) than most people will ever, but Gosh we loved her like we would love our own child. Through it all, I always knew it was ok for us to have her and love her because Wayne and I grew closer, which is the opposite affect of what usually happens around such a person. It would not have been possible except for the understanding of "There is only one voice that matters," and hers wasn't it. Now she hates our guts because we didn't fall. Her hating us didn't hurt as bad her rejecting God's love he had for her through us. The last ditch effort to knock me down....and I let it. I had some major growing up to do with that way of thinking. Hence the double surgery therapy session from the Lord to keep my heart open. Great physician indeed. I'm so thankful that he taught me the true meaning to guarding my heart and keeping those walls knocked to the ground. Life is just better at rest.
There is a difference between guarding our heart and building walls. It is necessary and vital to keep our hearts guarded, but we are not to build walls. Building walls around our hearts in order to protect ourselves from the fear of being hurt, or the memory of being hurt is unhealthy. The same walls built up to keep hurt out are the same walls that will keep God/Love out. They are the same walls that trap hurt in and become kryptonite to the healer. One of the most difficult things I have ever found in life is how to keep those walls down. It's scary. The initial process can be excruciating. It sort of reminds me of someone with a debilitating condition or after a major surgery who needs a remedy. The last thing a patient would want to do is physical therapy, but the doctors and therapist know that is the way to true healing without future impairment. OUCH! Pushing those patients is actually out of love when really you would just as soon slap them for their encouraging torture. It's our job to keep those walls down. It's a dying-to-self process. No walls mean love can come and go freely. It's humbling. We receive love and we give love. It prevents hardness of heart.
So if we are supposed to keep our hearts soft and open, then how do we guard them? (I love Father so much. He makes things so simple a child can understand it yet it carries a weight of revelation that could push over the world.) We are guarded from "words" that would distract us from the Truth. I can love you and receive love from you without adopting your opinion of me as the opinion of myself. I can choose to be humble and adopt the opinion Father has for me. We guard with one thing and that is revelation of who we are. Having a love tank full of "I am the righteousness of God" prevents any opinion of man from creeping up in there and infecting us with something untrue or unreal. There is one voice that matters. Knowing that voice of real love means that we can let our walls down, receive and give love, and any "hurt" that might come from another person will not infect or affect us. It can't. We can be so wrapped up in Truth that we don't even ponder a lie. We can love people and allow them to love us without giving them an undue power into our hearts that could hurt us. We allow people to hurt us when we place their opinion above Gods.
"Guard your heart" always sounded to me like something I had to "do." It was a necessary ploy to keep bad seeds from creating some major issue in my life later on. It was work to consciously decide, "I will let this fluffy thought come in, but I will take this one captive." Whew! Tired! It is so much more pleasant to now know that all I have to "do" (all I WANT to do) is rest in the love of my father, and keep my eyes focused on him and his voice. His lovely thoughts toward me are all that matter. Even if I mess up, I will take his opinion. Not mine. Not anybody's. Even if someone's opinion is good and lines up perfectly with Father's, then that is just confirmation, but that doesn't mean I let my guard down with them meaning, I do not elevate their opinion above Father's because next time, they might not have the same opinion. This totally eradicates codependency. I've been hurt before...boy have I been hurt! I ate a bowl full of rejection that was served to me with a silver spoon. Was it my fault that I was rejected? No it wasn't. We were not created for rejection, we were created for love. But it was my fault that I let my guard down. It took a LOOOOOOONG time for me to get back to the place where I totally forgave them and myself. Father had to do some major intervening and some major surgery. Thought I was healed up, then we had to go back in for another surgery. I was hurt. But now I genuinely love them. If they decided to throw some love my way, I could receive it with gladness. I am confident that there is nothing they could do or say to me that would cause me to be hurt again. Why? My love tank is running over with Father's opinion of me. To the churchy world, that might sound cocky, but if there is one thing I have learned it is that that is the purest form of humility. "Humble and Proud." (Ha Ha Ha) Reminds me of a song....doesn't it say, "Oh Lord It's hard to be humble when I'm perfect in every way." Hee Hee. Their opinion can not enter when the river of life is flowing out. That would be like trying to stuff a seed in a fire hose while it was on.
This itty bitty piece of revelation has even been carried over to our marriage. I must admit that I still have Mr. Blaylock's opinion of me pretty high up on the ol' heart shelf. It's easy to do with him because he is so very lovely, but even still I must know that God's opinion of me matters more than even my perfect other half.
You know? Sometimes he might have a bad day, but that doesn't mean I have to fall down their with him. I can guarantee you he doesn't jump in the pit with me when I have a bad day. (I'm laughing.) Sometimes it makes me mad that I can't knock him down with me. (I'm really laughing.) He did this awesome illustration when we taught about codependency to the youth. Two people can lean on each other (backs together.) But if one gets knocked down, the other inevitably falls. But if the same two people lean on Wayne, who represents God, then one can fall and the other doesn't. The one left standing is also in a position to help the other one back up to a standing position. We can't help each other when we all fall down. That's what I'm talking about. We lean on, or rest on, the opinion of Father so that if the whole world falls around us, we are standing because HE is steadfast and strong. Our rock. Our salvation. This codependent-free zone makes for a blissful marriage, and I'm not just saying that. I'm totally serious that the more we focus on Father's opinion and love for us, the less we depend on each other to meet our needs, the healthier our relationship becomes, the more in-love we are, and the more B.L.I.S.S.F.U.L and fun it is. Better everyday. No joke.
We had this HOLY COW person stay with us for a while. Yes, there were wonderful things we learned, but the nutrients were hard to digest with such a pill, if you get what I mean. I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes no question about it. Hind sight is 20/20. But you know? Her tactics didn't work with us. Actually, I didn't even recognize them as "hurtful" because they just pinged right off. I heard what she was saying but her opinion didn't carry weight. We saw more in her (good and evil) than most people will ever, but Gosh we loved her like we would love our own child. Through it all, I always knew it was ok for us to have her and love her because Wayne and I grew closer, which is the opposite affect of what usually happens around such a person. It would not have been possible except for the understanding of "There is only one voice that matters," and hers wasn't it. Now she hates our guts because we didn't fall. Her hating us didn't hurt as bad her rejecting God's love he had for her through us. The last ditch effort to knock me down....and I let it. I had some major growing up to do with that way of thinking. Hence the double surgery therapy session from the Lord to keep my heart open. Great physician indeed. I'm so thankful that he taught me the true meaning to guarding my heart and keeping those walls knocked to the ground. Life is just better at rest.
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