Living on the Other Side of The Wall

I was just a young girl when I remember seeing the wall being torn down that separated East and West Germany like it was yesterday. East Germany had been under communist control and the West was free. Although I know I was too young to fully understand the significance of that moment, I remember the emotional impact I experiences as I watched those people spill through the wall. Years later (like a decade or more,) I was in Germany visiting a friend who lives in the West Side of Germany. I went for a little walk at the Sienachtfest which is a festival of the lake that is also shared by Austria and Switzerland. I took a little rest beside the lake and met a young man named Jens. He spoke English as well as I spoke German, but for whatever reason we were able to communicate for a short conversation. He was from East Germany. As a goody-two-shoes from Bible Belt USA, I was just as surprised to meet someone like him with his way of Godless thinking as he was to meet someone like me. He was physically free enough now to visit the "other side of the wall," but he was not free in his mind. I'll never forget the look on his face as I spoke of hope and he spoke of the lack of it. After a few minutes, I left him to find my friend, but I knew in my inner most being that soon he would find who I had and that one day I would have another conversation with him in eternity. I think of him often.

He had been made free since he was a boy, and he thought he was free. But he still lived in a state of control in his mind and heart. He was born into a system that made him codependent and left no hope in his heart. He HAD been made free, but he just wasn't awaken to it fully. I identify with this too in a way. We have all been made free from a system that keeps our hearts in bondage, but some of us are awakened to it more than others. Everyday I realize the freedom I thought I walked in yesterday was not as free as I am today. The deeper revelation of Father's simplistic love for me, the more freedom I awaken too. It's a state of contentment and rest and peace that is birthed from the awareness of his love and value for us. It's the kind of freedom we live in know matter where our physical location. It reminds me of one of my favorite stories. Peter was in jail strapped to two soldiers surrounded by many more laying on the floor of a jail awaiting the death sentence his good friend John had just received, and the Bible tells us he was sleeping like a baby. What in the world? Peter was awaken to a reality in his mind that was more real than any place this world had to offer. I'm excited to wake up to HIS life freedom for me more and more. That is living in REAL freedom.

Loving and Guarded

I have a little sis in the faith who randomly calls me to ask me questions. I probably learn more from her than she does from me, and I'm pretty sure that's how it is supposed to be. So she called me one night to ask me something like, "Can someone fully give and receive love and still have their heart guarded?" To which I laughed and replied, "I DON'T KNOW!" But it seems that when I truly admit that I do not know something with my soulish realm that some sort of a reply is able to work itself up from the depths even if it is just another question to God-pong about. We don't have to have an answer and in that freedom, the answer comes. What a great question, and therefore what a great teacher she is! This is what came up...

There is a difference between guarding our heart and building walls. It is necessary and vital to keep our hearts guarded, but we are not to build walls. Building walls around our hearts in order to protect ourselves from the fear of being hurt, or the memory of being hurt is unhealthy. The same walls built up to keep hurt out are the same walls that will keep God/Love out. They are the same walls that trap hurt in and become kryptonite to the healer. One of the most difficult things I have ever found in life is how to keep those walls down. It's scary. The initial process can be excruciating. It sort of reminds me of someone with a debilitating condition or after a major surgery who needs a remedy. The last thing a patient would want to do is physical therapy, but the doctors and therapist know that is the way to true healing without future impairment. OUCH! Pushing those patients is actually out of love when really you would just as soon slap them for their encouraging torture. It's our job to keep those walls down. It's a dying-to-self process. No walls mean love can come and go freely. It's humbling. We receive love and we give love. It prevents hardness of heart.

So if we are supposed to keep our hearts soft and open, then how do we guard them? (I love Father so much. He makes things so simple a child can understand it yet it carries a weight of revelation that could push over the world.) We are guarded from "words" that would distract us from the Truth. I can love you and receive love from you without adopting your opinion of me as the opinion of myself. I can choose to be humble and adopt the opinion Father has for me. We guard with one thing and that is revelation of who we are. Having a love tank full of "I am the righteousness of God" prevents any opinion of man from creeping up in there and infecting us with something untrue or unreal. There is one voice that matters. Knowing that voice of real love means that we can let our walls down, receive and give love, and any "hurt" that might come from another person will not infect or affect us. It can't. We can be so wrapped up in Truth that we don't even ponder a lie. We can love people and allow them to love us without giving them an undue power into our hearts that could hurt us. We allow people to hurt us when we place their opinion above Gods.

"Guard your heart" always sounded to me like something I had to "do." It was a necessary ploy to keep bad seeds from creating some major issue in my life later on. It was work to consciously decide, "I will let this fluffy thought come in, but I will take this one captive." Whew! Tired! It is so much more pleasant to now know that all I have to "do" (all I WANT to do) is rest in the love of my father, and keep my eyes focused on him and his voice. His lovely thoughts toward me are all that matter. Even if I mess up, I will take his opinion. Not mine. Not anybody's. Even if someone's opinion is good and lines up perfectly with Father's, then that is just confirmation, but that doesn't mean I let my guard down with them meaning, I do not elevate their opinion above Father's because next time, they might not have the same opinion. This totally eradicates codependency. I've been hurt before...boy have I been hurt! I ate a bowl full of rejection that was served to me with a silver spoon. Was it my fault that I was rejected? No it wasn't. We were not created for rejection, we were created for love. But it was my fault that I let my guard down. It took a LOOOOOOONG time for me to get back to the place where I totally forgave them and myself. Father had to do some major intervening and some major surgery. Thought I was healed up, then we had to go back in for another surgery. I was hurt. But now I genuinely love them. If they decided to throw some love my way, I could receive it with gladness. I am confident that there is nothing they could do or say to me that would cause me to be hurt again. Why? My love tank is running over with Father's opinion of me. To the churchy world, that might sound cocky, but if there is one thing I have learned it is that that is the purest form of humility. "Humble and Proud." (Ha Ha Ha) Reminds me of a song....doesn't it say, "Oh Lord It's hard to be humble when I'm perfect in every way." Hee Hee. Their opinion can not enter when the river of life is flowing out. That would be like trying to stuff a seed in a fire hose while it was on.

This itty bitty piece of revelation has even been carried over to our marriage. I must admit that I still have Mr. Blaylock's opinion of me pretty high up on the ol' heart shelf. It's easy to do with him because he is so very lovely, but even still I must know that God's opinion of me matters more than even my perfect other half.
You know? Sometimes he might have a bad day, but that doesn't mean I have to fall down their with him. I can guarantee you he doesn't jump in the pit with me when I have a bad day. (I'm laughing.) Sometimes it makes me mad that I can't knock him down with me. (I'm really laughing.) He did this awesome illustration when we taught about codependency to the youth. Two people can lean on each other (backs together.) But if one gets knocked down, the other inevitably falls. But if the same two people lean on Wayne, who represents God, then one can fall and the other doesn't. The one left standing is also in a position to help the other one back up to a standing position. We can't help each other when we all fall down. That's what I'm talking about. We lean on, or rest on, the opinion of Father so that if the whole world falls around us, we are standing because HE is steadfast and strong. Our rock. Our salvation. This codependent-free zone makes for a blissful marriage, and I'm not just saying that. I'm totally serious that the more we focus on Father's opinion and love for us, the less we depend on each other to meet our needs, the healthier our relationship becomes, the more in-love we are, and the more B.L.I.S.S.F.U.L and fun it is. Better everyday. No joke.

We had this HOLY COW person stay with us for a while. Yes, there were wonderful things we learned, but the nutrients were hard to digest with such a pill, if you get what I mean. I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes no question about it. Hind sight is 20/20. But you know? Her tactics didn't work with us. Actually, I didn't even recognize them as "hurtful" because they just pinged right off. I heard what she was saying but her opinion didn't carry weight. We saw more in her (good and evil) than most people will ever, but Gosh we loved her like we would love our own child. Through it all, I always knew it was ok for us to have her and love her because Wayne and I grew closer, which is the opposite affect of what usually happens around such a person. It would not have been possible except for the understanding of "There is only one voice that matters," and hers wasn't it. Now she hates our guts because we didn't fall. Her hating us didn't hurt as bad her rejecting God's love he had for her through us. The last ditch effort to knock me down....and I let it. I had some major growing up to do with that way of thinking. Hence the double surgery therapy session from the Lord to keep my heart open. Great physician indeed. I'm so thankful that he taught me the true meaning to guarding my heart and keeping those walls knocked to the ground. Life is just better at rest.

Distraction

This is a poem about manipulation...

Distraction

Together in silence now makes me see.
I choose life instead of your sorcery.
Gifted and twisted. Your words are so skilled.
If you claim to speak life, why is death what I hear?
Your way is only distraction.

Holy Cow, as they say, you can feed the bull.
The few who believe it are so sadly fooled.
Are you sorry we heard a message of peace?
Underestimating freedom sets people free.
Soon all will see the distraction.

You say I'm not needed. I've been of no worth.
I've grown to know differently. I remember my birth.
I can allow you to wallow and have your last word.
I'm not naive like you think. I know what I've heard.
I refuse to believe your distraction.

You shout one thing, but whisper another.
For a time, to my shame, I provided you cover.
I'm not here to expose, but you just don't believe.
Gifts delivered right to you, you would not receive.
You choose to love your distraction.

Like a scurvy little spider catches his prey.
Are you dizzy from spinning things you say?
The poison of the snake was not the lie,
but the intermingled truth he disguised.
There's no life to live with distraction.

Come to the mountain of reality.
Destroy golden views of idolatry.
Shackled by your insecurity.
Don't choose a life of this misery.
I pray soon your free from distraction.

Resting in the Rinse

We recently washed our carpet. It was an emergency! (...enough said.) We have had carpet for five years and this is the first time we ever shampooed it with three boys living here. It looks pretty good now, but we honestly thought we would have to replace it all. The thing about suds-ing up the ol' shag is that the soap on the fibers attract more dirt. You really have to rinse it well, then rinse it, and then rinse it some more to keep it looking nice. For some reason this really struck home with me about how we do with our spiritual walk. We get the "I'm clean" revelation (which is very important) but then we forget we need to be continually rinsed. Just wallowing in the knowledge of cleanliness without ever coming into contact with the "rinser" can make us filthier than ever. We attract "doctrines." We box God in. We limit ourselves with our own beliefs. We become Pharisaical. "I've been washed, dadgumit! I am right! I KNOW that KNOW!" This goes along with a little vision the Lord gave me during worship a little while back.

I saw a river twisting through the land. People were floating in the river like they were on tubes except they were not floating on anything. They were just so relaxed and at peace that they seemed to be floating carefree down the river. There were patches of land that the river wound wind around. People gathered on these little patches of land. Some people floating down the river would decide to walk onto shore. The further down the river, the more spiritually awakened the people were. People from the mainland would get to the river through these gatherings on the little peninsulas. Some of the gatherings still made reference to the river and even used water from the river. Some gatherings were so engulfed in their gather that they hardly acknowledged the river at all. I know the river represented the Spirit of God and the people floating were resting and flowing in the Spirit. I saw Wayne and I get back in the river. That brought a lot of comfort to me with so many changes in our lives at the moment. We can't see on down the river, but I know it is a good place to be. We will enjoy and rest in this journey. It is time to for us to be washed off and learn what it means for us to continually live in the rinse cycle. We can never think we know all the answers. All we know is where have been. To settle in the fact that we KNOW, is to deny that the river continues. Our "spirituality" then becomes more like a dead sea than a living water. There are things to learn. I don't want to miss it just because I've been washed once. I am content to know I know nothing, and excited to rest into revelation.

School Supplies-ophile

I really think I must have some sort of undiagnosed issue....It is really hard for me not to buy school supplies every time I shop. I currently own and use five calculators, and I wish I had more. Is it possible to own too many crayons, scissors, glitter glue, and boxes to hold them? I salivate in office-supply stores. Today I went into buy some nice folders for my resumes. What should have taken five minutes took way longer. I kept getting distracted. I literally looked at every kind of file folder and binder before I snapped out of it and realized I've already got a system at home I can use. Well, of course I have a stuff at home! I tend to buy this stuff like it is an illegal habit! I work at a facility where I literally walk around the building just to use the most awesome stapler ever. It brings a smile to my heart even when I imagine its easy "snap" and stand in awe of how many pages it can bind together without ever a glitch in the staple. I think a good candle scent should be called, "sharpened pencil." How many cool-looking notebooks can one own before being labeled a hoarder? "Would you like packs of colorful permanent markers to go with your reams of paper?" "Yes please!" No. No. No! I really think I might need help.

"Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?" ---Matrix

This is a late night ponder. Instead of writing directly in my journal like I normally would, I'm going out on a limb to share this ponder in blogland. I need to get it out somewhere. Might as well be here.

I was taking a shower just now thinking about all the hecticness (new word, yay!) going about in life right now. I was thinking of this sort of crazy junk when I had this thought. Am I really feeling this and dealing with this in my heart anyway? (This is where I get weird.) We are seated in heavenly places. I read on facebook somewhere that heaven is a state of mind or something like that. So if I am there? Am I really here? It hit me harder than it sounds. I almost lost my breath. Have you seen "The Matrix"? I so love that movie. You know that part when Neo realizes what the matrix is then he starts spasming out and then vomits? It is like he is instantly purged of all he thought was real and thrown bluntly into his true reality. I had a mild form of that feeling.

THEN! I saw a vision. It was a young lady inside an hour glass. The hour glass sat on this gorgeous table in this gorgeous room high up with an exquisite view and lush furnishings. So...where was the young lady? Was she in the hour glass? Or was she in the room?

I began to see that it is the same, yet two different realities. She could focus on her immediate surroundings...small, cramped, space, filled only with unstable repetition and time. A dreadful state of mind. Or she could glance out to see the bigger picture. Depending on where she sets her mind is where she is. It kind of reminds me of bird poo on a windshield. We can get so caught up in focusing on the poo that we totally miss the scenery we are passing by.

We are "trapped" in this bubble of time. Will we concentrate on the bubble? Or can we see past it to the bigger picture? Are you seated in monotony? Or are you seated in heavenly places?

Love Monsters

We went to see “Cars 2” and “Green Lantern” at the drive-in. Fun stuff. I cannot shake this image I have from the “Green Lantern,” and every time I think of this revelation, my spirit does flip flops. I will spare details from the movie, but must describe the enemy. It is a very destructive being that becomes more powerful by destroying creatures and receiving the fear from them. Fear is very powerful and depicted creatively in the movie, but there is a force more powerful than that. The opposite of fear is love. Fear destroys just like it was shown as the enemy in the movie. The force of Love acts just the opposite. The more you give, the more powerful (full of love) you become. The more you receive, the more powerful you become. Anytime anyone gives and receives love, BOTH are strengthened and life is more evident. That is the miracle of love. God is so cool like that. I am loving his opposite world. What would seem to be subtraction is multiplication in His kingdom.

My nephew Zeke is really funny. He has this voice and unusual way of saying things that make him a lot of fun to converse with. He mostly talks of methods he uses to strengthen his techniques in order to defeat the enemies and other practical things like that which would most definitely come in handy on a daily basis. One day he said, “Audrey, do you know what is the most powerful force in the universe?” “No, Zeke. What is it?” “True love's kiss.” I laughed a long time, but the truth is that he is right. He might have learned that from a collection of Disney movies, but love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

In the “Green Lantern”, people would see this creature and become afraid. Their fear is what caused their destruction and the enemy would grow. I keep seeing this image like that except it is made of love. But when people see it, it gives life instead of destruction. Love grows stronger in them. If people can even be changed by a romantic carnal love, imagine how we can change when we encounter LOVE himself. The best thing ever is when people identify others like “I know they love me.” When people see love in you, they are saying they see God in you. Wow! What a compliment. People who radiate love have encountered the God who is love. It is powerful. The most powerful force in the universe, as Zeke would say.

To grow or become mature requires receiving love. This is easier said than done. Receiving love requires humbling yourself and seeing yourself as worthy as they do. A good friend of mine found out I was doing some major house cleaning the other day. She, like me, has three baby preschoolers. She insisted that I allow her to come help me with my huge gigantic mess. I know she doesn't get much “me” time and she was going to pay a babysitter so she could come help me with the mess I created. Um....NO WAY! That required engulfing too much humble pie. I could not receive that. I know I knocked her out of a huge blessing. I know what it is like when someone will receive love you want to give and allow you to come and abide with them for a short time right where they live. It's an honor to get to do that, but gosh, I just couldn't. So forgive me, Heather Seyer. My pride is making me know not what I do. But for the times I do receive....I don't even know I'm growing bigger with love on the inside. I just feel like I'm enjoying life, then out of nowhere, someone will say, .”I feel love when I'm around you.” Wow....that is humbling in itself. I hope we can all receive so much love from our father and from each other that we become these...Love Monsters. No wonder he said we are new creatures. But instead of a big glob of destruction, we give life and peace and joy and hope and faith and LOVE.