Tis The Season To Be Mary Part 1

I have been wanting to write about a little ponder I have had for over a month now. With the Christmas season upon us, how appropriate that God would use Mary to teach me about obedience.

"Obedience"....sigh

I had a belief, a judgment, about that four-syllable word that just seemed to prevent me from seeing some things. I could feel the box, but I didn't know exactly what it was. I have been well acquainted with people who abuse that word to either make themselves seem more "spiritual" than the rest of us, or use it to manipulate people into "doing." I just didn't quite understand what it meant. Something always felt yucky when people would use that term and "sacrifice" in the same conversation. I always felt like Jesus is the all-encompassing sacrifice and anything I "offered" was a form of self-righteousness, but then I hear people teaching about the other "side of the coin," and it made a lot of sense too.

I always thought of obedience as "an instruction that you follow." I KNOW that Father has asked me to do things that I wasn't real excited about doing. I even had to make some really tough decisions this year. I know I heard his voice and his instruction, but Gosh! The decisions were not easy. I did it because I knew that even if I didn't know why, I could trust he had my best interest in mind and it would work out for the good, the great, the fantastic. ...and it has and I can see why now, and I am very thankful that I "followed" that voice even though I didn't understand it all. Sometimes it is just the fear of the unknown that might make us hesitate to be "obedient." It made sense to me that Jesus never seemed to heal the same way twice because he was "following" instructions, but I just didn't quite understand why.

I heard Bertie (God love him) speak on grace, and he said something that went a little like, "obedience for people in grace is doing what they want to do." Now that is probably not a direct quote, but whatever he said, when he said it, it felt right. It felt liberating. The fragrance of freedom was in the air, and I grew hungry to taste it again. Once you've tasted true freedom it is difficult to dine on anything less. But it just seemed out of my reach because of the box I had built around my heart in this area. So I did what we all should do when we have questions like this. I asked my Father. The answer didn't come right away, but it came.

I was driving to one of my jobs listening to some good quality God-pong. There was not one thing mentioned about "obedience," but something she said opened up my box and Father dropped a load of revelation into my Spirit that has helped me to see a little more. She read the Christmas story.

I was thinking of "Obedience" all wrong.

This is an example of hearing instruction and following it when I didn't want to: (Boy, is it pertinent!) Sometimes God gives me words from him for people. I got one for a dear friend. There was a lot to it, but I kept hearing just one word over and over and over. That word was, "obedient." The Lord wanted me to tell my friend to be obedient. "Please, No Lord!" I said, because I knew my friend had been beaten, belittled, and abused by that word. I did NOT want to say that, but that is what the Lord said to do. Now I love to cook with a good wooden spoon, but I felt like I was giving a wooden spoon as a gift to someone who had been beaten by one as an innocent child. I hesitated badly, but then I finally, sheepishly told my friend. I wondered at that time if maybe "obedience" is when the hearts of other people were involved. But even that still didn't fit quite right. I was puzzled, and really I still have so much to awaken to.

According to Bertie, (and I agree with him 100%), if I didn't want to do it, there would be a law working in my life somewhere. I followed the instruction, so therefore in my mind, I was obedient. Right? I don't know. Hmmmmmm...

So I was driving down the road listening to a beautiful message on the Christmas story. She read about the Holy Spirit hovering over Mary. When the word of the Lord came, Mary believed it and said, "be it unto me according to your word." Then she became pregnant. Pregnant WITH THE WORD, himself. WOW. The more I meditate on that especially as a mom of three boys, the more bewildered and in awe of how all that went down. She was just a kid. An unmarried girl who was old enough to know how socially unacceptable being pregnant for her would be. I wonder if she thought of that before she received that word? She did hesitate. She questioned the Angel. "How can this be?" ----(more on that in Part 2.)

I love this analogy from Rob Rufus... If I had a tuning fork that I used to tune my piano and then gave the same tuning fork to you so you can tune your piano, our pianos would be in tune to each other even though they were never even around each other. Just like if I am listening to voice of God and you are listening to the voice of God, then we will be tuned to each other.

The Spirit of the Lord was hovering over Mary and she became in tune to it. There was an agreement that took place. Sometimes it is hard for me to interpret God's language of revelation into English, but for pathetic explanation purposes, The Lord was offering her a "possibility" and she agreed with it. The very cells in her body based on her belief system began to sing the same song that was being sung in the Spirit. She responded to the song, creative vibrations, of the Holy Spirit. And when they were in tune...BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! The Word of God, Our Lord and Savior, The Innocent Lamb, The Great I AM, The Beginning and the End, The Truth, The Way, The Life started physically growing inside her. Merry Christmas and a Happy Happy Happy Brand NEW EVERYTHING!!!!!

I realized that I have been viewing "obedience" totally wrong. I thought it was, "an instruction that we follow." But that is not it at all. Obedience is when we come into agreement with the Spirit of the Lord and his desires. Obedience IS grace. The more I awaken to grace, the more what I want IS what He wants because we are singing the same tune. We are the same person. It isn't me any more, it is Christ that lives. Looking back, I can see that the instructions I heard and followed were correct, but my heart wasn't awakened to grace fully in those areas and that is why it felt sacrificey. The more he reveals himself to me, and the more I discover my identity, the more what he wants is what I want. I do because I want to and that's it. It's WE instead of me. The more revelation of the pure grace of God I wake up to, the more taking all the carts back up to kroger as I walk in is an honor to me to bless others. The more going to work everyday is an overwhelming joy for the opportunity. The more getting to pick up my boys' toys and doing laundry is a blessing because we have things to clean up and home to clean them up in. Even listening to their whiny, tired cries is an honor because they feel comfortable enough around me to share their true feelings. Sometimes do I feel like these things are a sacrifice? Yep. You betcha! But I have no doubt in my mind that when I feel that way, somewhere deep down I am operating under law instead of resting in grace. I know the more I wake up to the revelation of his truth, the easier and even more enjoyable life will be. Does that mean that I feel condemned when I think I would rather jump off a cliff than pick up that same pile of mess again? Hope not. Condemnation itself is the chains that bind us to the law. Let's just rest, and be content knowing that we don't have all the answers and don't have to. I do think that is why God even gives us grace for the grace. Even Mary hesitated (for lack of a better word)and she was the chosen mom for God in the flesh. Pretty amazing that God became totally vulnerable and trusted Man completely. That is humbling love right there.

Back to the word I gave my friend... I called right away and told my friend what I now realize "obedience" is and why Father would use that term. It is nothing short of a case of turning ashes into beauty. What someone had meant to use to destroy, the Lord was using the same thing to build and strengthen. Wow! What a good Father our God is! He took the ugly stick----a symbol of worthlessness, and turned it into a symbol of the song that is sung over him by the only voice that matters. I learned so much from that experience and I am so thankful he allowed me to be the messenger of that word..."Obedience."

Doesn't knowing that give a new, wonderful perspective on the verse, "Obedience is better than sacrifice?" (1 Sam 15:22) Yes it does!(I wonder if Mary had felt it was sacrifice if she would have been impregnated? Guess that's another question to ask Dad.)

Big thanks to Mary for her obedience! Tis the season to be Mary!!!!!

Wayne

This is my follow-up Thank-vember to elaborate on point #1....I am thankful for Wayne.

I almost don't even know where to start...

As I write this I am reminded of a time I forced myself to be thankful. (I'm laughing as I remember.) I was washing dishes. Wayne came home from a hard day at work to some really, really, really, really bad news. I did something uber stupid I had to tell him about. He said nothing. I knew he had to be upset, so I encouraged him to tell me what was wrong. (duh.) He still said nothing. I was thinking that if it was me, I would feel better to vent, so I nagged him and nagged him until he spoke. Um.....that was the SECOND dumb thing I did that day. He finally complied. Boy, did I ask for it! LOL! So he stepped out to get some fresh air to figure out how to fix what I had done. (I am so laughing!) And I stood at the sink fuming mad and feeling very stupid for doing that. After a minute or two, I came to the realization that I had a choice to make. I could stay offended or could recover my sight. I knew that if I could list things I was thankful for Wayne for,(because the Lord TOLD me to,) it would help me to get over my petty anger. Um...it took a minute for me to think of one. As I waited for one to pop up out of the mad-cloud, I was thinking, "I'm going to make a list so if I ever get mad again, I can just read my list instead of trying to think of something." But it didn't take long before one came, and then another, and another and another, until suddenly I forgot there had ever even been a fog of negativity. I was overcome with the value of this really great life-fixer I am married to forever. I'm pretty sure that is the last time I have been mad at him. That was about a year and a half or two years ago.

Here are some things on my list....

Sometimes he makes up the bed just before bedtime just because he knows I love that. He could sleep on the raw mattress with a pile of covers wadded up on top of him.

He is a really, really, really, really, really x 100000000 great dad.

If he loves something more than me, I can't tell it.

He loves my family and goes to family events.

He insists I put my cold feet on him under the covers so they can warm up. ...Now THAT is a man!

He wrote me a song....and it's good.

Actually, he writes a lot of songs that are good. He is a true word-smith. I think I want to have a rustic-looking living room someday with the words of his first hit etched into the wood at the top of the wall. Yeah, that would be pretty awesome.

Our boys adore him. They respect him, but can't wait to play with him. They want to sit by him at the table. When he says something, it is law. When mom says something, they might think about it.

Even though I was a stay-at-home mom, he let me sleep in on his days off. And now that I am working, he lets me sleep in on my days off.

He has gotten out of bed on very cold nights because I decided I needed a shower at 2:00 am to fix the water under the house.

He is my laundry man and has been the majority of our marriage.

He ALWAYS goes over the limit we set on gifts for each other at Christmas. I totally don't think this is fair, but I am also not complaining. His gifts are fabulous and well thought out. They are usually creative with a theme.

I love it when he won't put up with drama.

When we take pictures of our boys, Wayne does the funniest stuff even causing himself bodily harm to get them to laugh. He definitely does the hard part, but I always get credit for the picture.

He makes a mean cinnamon toast, and he has certain technique I've noticed to gently tap out the Cinnamon/sugar mixture.

He is content to keep quiet, but when he speaks, a FLOOD of bold revelation accompanies his few gentle words.

He will take verbal abuse as long as he knows it is preventing someone else from getting it.

He hears from the Lord. Oh my gosh he does.

He really likes being a man, and his boys are getting a good example of what it means to be one.

He is a servant as evidenced by it is even coming out in his sons. Luke and I were the only ones left at the supper table. Luke asked to be excused, but before he left, he filled up my cup just because he noticed it was empty. That is the sort of thing he sees his dad do.

He is the most honorable person I know.

He has mastered the grill.

His heart is child-like, but he is very responsible.

He thinks about everything he does and therefore, everything he does is excellent. If he is going to do it, it will be done right.

He teaches me more about the God kind of life by his words and his example than anyone, and does it without thinking I need to be improved. ---That sounds like God to me.

Something pretty amazing happens when he sings.

He is REALLY smart and I'm really thankful our kids get to dip in that gene pool.

He likes to laugh.

He works really hard at whatever he does. He is willing to do whatever he would have to do to make sure our family is provided for. That is really comforting to know he's that way.

Wayne folds laundry during football to justify watching football. Ha Ha Ha!

I love to hear him read bedtime stories.

Our boys know he loves them.

When he prays, sickness goes away.

He thanks me when I take out the trash or pay our bills.

He can complete a days-worth of errands with three boys in about two hours. If you have ever had more than one little kid, you know why this is amazing.

He will watch Backyardigans even though the game is on.

Sometimes I come home late and he and the boys have fallen asleep on the pull-out couch watching a movie.

He never comes to my pity party no matter how strongly I invite him, which helps me to recover to the high road more quickly.

He cries with me especially when we think about how fast the boys are growing up.

He truly, genuinely, purely loves people and has a desire to help them learn to experience their Father's love and hear His voice.

Nothing is more HOT than a man who is not ashamed to worship.

Even though thinking on two things doesn't come easy for the male species, Wayne concentrates hard on what I am saying to the point that he will forget where he needs to turn when he is driving. I really, really love that.

He thinks often about people he wishes he could protect from potentially getting hurt, but honors their freedom to make choices and hear from God for themselves. I really appreciate that about him.

I can trust him to make the right decisions because I know his character and he is motivated by love.

He put up the Christmas tree and we all decorated it.

He is the nicest guy, but he is not easily fooled. He has wisdom beyond his years.

He makes our home pressure-free.

He plays with boys, but their toys are put up at the end of the day. I have no idea how that happens.

When I come home, he is faithful to meet me outside to see if there is anything he can carry in for me.

I've got more to say, but I think I'm going to go crawl next to him in our made-up bed. ....I am just really thankful for him who makes my life sweet and easy because he knows really well the author of the sweet and easy life.

Thank-vember

I didn't do a daily post about something I am thankful for everyday in November on Facebook, but I decided to post them all at once right here. I love what my friend, Terry does. Thanksgiving or not, she posts three things she is thankful for everyday.

1. I'm very thankful for Wayne. For those of you who truly know him, there is no explanation needed for why that full-grown boy is number one on my list. For those of you who don't, I think I will follow up with a post just for you.

2. Three very active, very funny, very precious, healthy, little boys who have become my greatest teachers about life.

3. Apparently, I was raised in a bubble. I'm learning that the way I was before I was "trained" to be an adult, is actually the goal. Father is restoring precious childhood memories and renewing my mind as a child. I'm thankful for my raising and the bubble of innocence. I really had a wonderful childhood with a very wonderful, humongous family.

4. Coffee. Although, I still need to sissy it up, I have finally reached my lifelong goal to love to drink coffee like all the cool people I see drinking coffee. I only have one cup unless it is a special occasion like midnight of Black Friday, but some days I don't drink it at all. I'm thankful I love it, I have it, but don't need it to function.

5. Friends that hear from the Lord. Wise counsel of people who know my Father because they love people for no reason except they love people. My God-pong friends.

6. My three special girls. Beth, Sena, Jenny. The four times we get together a year alone make me happy to be alive.

7. Dreams, and the messages they bring.

8. My big, rustic dining room table. Eating around it with family and friends just feels like that is the way things are supposed to be.

9. I am thankful for forgiveness and for friends who show me how it's done.

10. I am VERY thankful to be living in the electronic age. Even though my brain is Amish, I still really enjoy being able to instantly communicate with my friends overseas or other parts of the country, and watch teachers from all over the world anytime I want. Wow! That is really amazing!

11. I am thankful for the happy noises of living, but I am also very thankful for the silences.

12. I get to live on a Mountain in Tennessee. That's pretty amazing. It is like living on vacation.

13. For the still small voice.

14. Both my grandmothers are still living, healthy, and active.

15. I am thankful for people who love on kids for free.

16. I am thankful that my boys have a fantastic extended family with the best grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins ever, and they are the fifth generation to live on Blaylock mountain.

17. I am very thankful for my jobs. I am filled up now. It's even more than I was hoping for. And I'm thankful that I am married to a man who is willing to let me step out to do this while he does the majority of the parenting.

18. I am thankful for people who love to laugh.

19. I am thankful for the Movies, "The Matix," "Count of Monte Cristo," "Princess Bride," and "Groundhog Day."

20. I am thankful I'm getting a new niece in January. JUST WHAT I WANTED!

21. I am thankful for Just Dance 2 game and that everybody in my house loves to play it. It's absolutely the best.

22. I am thankful for contentment for today even though there is more to wake up to tomorrow. I'm happy today, but tomorrow I know I will realize that "yesterday" was nothing compared to today.I'm amazed at how that works.

23. I am thankful that there are probably twenty different structures of tinker toys strategically placed in the floor upstairs for whatever war was fixing to take place. Sometimes I get frustrated that the house never seems to be picked up all the way, but I know in a few years I will miss finding matchbox cars and dinosaurs in the pantry.

24. I am thankful to live in a country where soldiers get a standing ovation at a sporting events. I love that so much.

25. I am thankful to live in a house with more than one indoor bathroom.

26. I am thankful that any time day or night I can make a run to town for pretty much anything. 1. We live in a free land with no curfew. 2. There are stores to accommodate that freedom. ...That is just stupidly, wonderfully spoiled.

27. We can decide to take our boys to school or teach them at home.

28. I am thankful, truly, truly thankful, that there is only once voice that matters and that He continually draws me to him.

29. I am thankful that everyone in the house went to bed tonight and every night with full bellies.

30. I am very thankful it's Christmas time and having three little boys (Well, four) to get excited about it with.

Lesson From Wayne: Peace of Mess

I married up, and I like to say I married up. Wayne is the greatest. I mean I really like him and all that stuff, but he regularly reveals more to me about who God is than any person ever. I think that is probably pretty amazing since I live with him and know him best. He has always been that way, but the past two or three years it has been supersized revelation. Wayne is an example of Love, and since God IS Love, Wayne is constantly revealing God and his nature in our home. This is one thing that really got my attention this week.

I woke up Monday morning just basically depressed. The house looked like it had three tornadoes that spent the weekend with us, because well, we have three tornadoes that plan to live here for apparently the rest of their lives. I wanted to play with the boys and do things I wanted to do, but I felt like it would be responsible to clean. I was really grumpy. I felt guilty because I was depressed over something as dumb as a messy house. It was just an all around stupid cycle. I also feel terrible because Wayne worked on Monday, and I feel like it's nice of me if I don't lay around all day. I feel like I should keep the house picked up and cook food and stuff like that. Most day, I like doing that. That was not the case on Monday. I felt like if I had to pick up the same mess that I have picked up ten thousand times the week before, I would explode. I did things. I fed the boys and some other maintenance chores, but then I decided I was going to forget being responsible and take a nap.

It was amazing. God gave me some dreams that were very wonderful packed full of revelation. I felt empowered when I woke up, and I wasn't grumpy anymore either. But the house didn't get cleaned up all the way. Wayne came home, and at some point in the evening I brought up the status of the house. Wayne just sort of calmly, like it was no big deal said, "Audrey, If you want to clean the house, clean it. And if you don't want to, then don't." and that was that. He totally took away my pressure. Being pressure free made me WANT to get the house clean.

Wednesday, I was home again. We really needed to pick up the house AGAIN. Company was coming the next day, but I chose to take the boys to story time at the library and then had a nice visit with Nana. By the time we got back home, we only had maybe two hours before Wayne got home and it would be time to cook supper. The boys and I EFFORTLESSLY got everything picked up. Cleaning turned into quality time and it was fun. I don't want to live in a mess, but I realized that living in peace with some mess is better than clean pressure.

So our house may not be the best kept house, but just come over anyway. We'll make you feel good about yourself.

Living on the Other Side of The Wall

I was just a young girl when I remember seeing the wall being torn down that separated East and West Germany like it was yesterday. East Germany had been under communist control and the West was free. Although I know I was too young to fully understand the significance of that moment, I remember the emotional impact I experiences as I watched those people spill through the wall. Years later (like a decade or more,) I was in Germany visiting a friend who lives in the West Side of Germany. I went for a little walk at the Sienachtfest which is a festival of the lake that is also shared by Austria and Switzerland. I took a little rest beside the lake and met a young man named Jens. He spoke English as well as I spoke German, but for whatever reason we were able to communicate for a short conversation. He was from East Germany. As a goody-two-shoes from Bible Belt USA, I was just as surprised to meet someone like him with his way of Godless thinking as he was to meet someone like me. He was physically free enough now to visit the "other side of the wall," but he was not free in his mind. I'll never forget the look on his face as I spoke of hope and he spoke of the lack of it. After a few minutes, I left him to find my friend, but I knew in my inner most being that soon he would find who I had and that one day I would have another conversation with him in eternity. I think of him often.

He had been made free since he was a boy, and he thought he was free. But he still lived in a state of control in his mind and heart. He was born into a system that made him codependent and left no hope in his heart. He HAD been made free, but he just wasn't awaken to it fully. I identify with this too in a way. We have all been made free from a system that keeps our hearts in bondage, but some of us are awakened to it more than others. Everyday I realize the freedom I thought I walked in yesterday was not as free as I am today. The deeper revelation of Father's simplistic love for me, the more freedom I awaken too. It's a state of contentment and rest and peace that is birthed from the awareness of his love and value for us. It's the kind of freedom we live in know matter where our physical location. It reminds me of one of my favorite stories. Peter was in jail strapped to two soldiers surrounded by many more laying on the floor of a jail awaiting the death sentence his good friend John had just received, and the Bible tells us he was sleeping like a baby. What in the world? Peter was awaken to a reality in his mind that was more real than any place this world had to offer. I'm excited to wake up to HIS life freedom for me more and more. That is living in REAL freedom.

Loving and Guarded

I have a little sis in the faith who randomly calls me to ask me questions. I probably learn more from her than she does from me, and I'm pretty sure that's how it is supposed to be. So she called me one night to ask me something like, "Can someone fully give and receive love and still have their heart guarded?" To which I laughed and replied, "I DON'T KNOW!" But it seems that when I truly admit that I do not know something with my soulish realm that some sort of a reply is able to work itself up from the depths even if it is just another question to God-pong about. We don't have to have an answer and in that freedom, the answer comes. What a great question, and therefore what a great teacher she is! This is what came up...

There is a difference between guarding our heart and building walls. It is necessary and vital to keep our hearts guarded, but we are not to build walls. Building walls around our hearts in order to protect ourselves from the fear of being hurt, or the memory of being hurt is unhealthy. The same walls built up to keep hurt out are the same walls that will keep God/Love out. They are the same walls that trap hurt in and become kryptonite to the healer. One of the most difficult things I have ever found in life is how to keep those walls down. It's scary. The initial process can be excruciating. It sort of reminds me of someone with a debilitating condition or after a major surgery who needs a remedy. The last thing a patient would want to do is physical therapy, but the doctors and therapist know that is the way to true healing without future impairment. OUCH! Pushing those patients is actually out of love when really you would just as soon slap them for their encouraging torture. It's our job to keep those walls down. It's a dying-to-self process. No walls mean love can come and go freely. It's humbling. We receive love and we give love. It prevents hardness of heart.

So if we are supposed to keep our hearts soft and open, then how do we guard them? (I love Father so much. He makes things so simple a child can understand it yet it carries a weight of revelation that could push over the world.) We are guarded from "words" that would distract us from the Truth. I can love you and receive love from you without adopting your opinion of me as the opinion of myself. I can choose to be humble and adopt the opinion Father has for me. We guard with one thing and that is revelation of who we are. Having a love tank full of "I am the righteousness of God" prevents any opinion of man from creeping up in there and infecting us with something untrue or unreal. There is one voice that matters. Knowing that voice of real love means that we can let our walls down, receive and give love, and any "hurt" that might come from another person will not infect or affect us. It can't. We can be so wrapped up in Truth that we don't even ponder a lie. We can love people and allow them to love us without giving them an undue power into our hearts that could hurt us. We allow people to hurt us when we place their opinion above Gods.

"Guard your heart" always sounded to me like something I had to "do." It was a necessary ploy to keep bad seeds from creating some major issue in my life later on. It was work to consciously decide, "I will let this fluffy thought come in, but I will take this one captive." Whew! Tired! It is so much more pleasant to now know that all I have to "do" (all I WANT to do) is rest in the love of my father, and keep my eyes focused on him and his voice. His lovely thoughts toward me are all that matter. Even if I mess up, I will take his opinion. Not mine. Not anybody's. Even if someone's opinion is good and lines up perfectly with Father's, then that is just confirmation, but that doesn't mean I let my guard down with them meaning, I do not elevate their opinion above Father's because next time, they might not have the same opinion. This totally eradicates codependency. I've been hurt before...boy have I been hurt! I ate a bowl full of rejection that was served to me with a silver spoon. Was it my fault that I was rejected? No it wasn't. We were not created for rejection, we were created for love. But it was my fault that I let my guard down. It took a LOOOOOOONG time for me to get back to the place where I totally forgave them and myself. Father had to do some major intervening and some major surgery. Thought I was healed up, then we had to go back in for another surgery. I was hurt. But now I genuinely love them. If they decided to throw some love my way, I could receive it with gladness. I am confident that there is nothing they could do or say to me that would cause me to be hurt again. Why? My love tank is running over with Father's opinion of me. To the churchy world, that might sound cocky, but if there is one thing I have learned it is that that is the purest form of humility. "Humble and Proud." (Ha Ha Ha) Reminds me of a song....doesn't it say, "Oh Lord It's hard to be humble when I'm perfect in every way." Hee Hee. Their opinion can not enter when the river of life is flowing out. That would be like trying to stuff a seed in a fire hose while it was on.

This itty bitty piece of revelation has even been carried over to our marriage. I must admit that I still have Mr. Blaylock's opinion of me pretty high up on the ol' heart shelf. It's easy to do with him because he is so very lovely, but even still I must know that God's opinion of me matters more than even my perfect other half.
You know? Sometimes he might have a bad day, but that doesn't mean I have to fall down their with him. I can guarantee you he doesn't jump in the pit with me when I have a bad day. (I'm laughing.) Sometimes it makes me mad that I can't knock him down with me. (I'm really laughing.) He did this awesome illustration when we taught about codependency to the youth. Two people can lean on each other (backs together.) But if one gets knocked down, the other inevitably falls. But if the same two people lean on Wayne, who represents God, then one can fall and the other doesn't. The one left standing is also in a position to help the other one back up to a standing position. We can't help each other when we all fall down. That's what I'm talking about. We lean on, or rest on, the opinion of Father so that if the whole world falls around us, we are standing because HE is steadfast and strong. Our rock. Our salvation. This codependent-free zone makes for a blissful marriage, and I'm not just saying that. I'm totally serious that the more we focus on Father's opinion and love for us, the less we depend on each other to meet our needs, the healthier our relationship becomes, the more in-love we are, and the more B.L.I.S.S.F.U.L and fun it is. Better everyday. No joke.

We had this HOLY COW person stay with us for a while. Yes, there were wonderful things we learned, but the nutrients were hard to digest with such a pill, if you get what I mean. I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes no question about it. Hind sight is 20/20. But you know? Her tactics didn't work with us. Actually, I didn't even recognize them as "hurtful" because they just pinged right off. I heard what she was saying but her opinion didn't carry weight. We saw more in her (good and evil) than most people will ever, but Gosh we loved her like we would love our own child. Through it all, I always knew it was ok for us to have her and love her because Wayne and I grew closer, which is the opposite affect of what usually happens around such a person. It would not have been possible except for the understanding of "There is only one voice that matters," and hers wasn't it. Now she hates our guts because we didn't fall. Her hating us didn't hurt as bad her rejecting God's love he had for her through us. The last ditch effort to knock me down....and I let it. I had some major growing up to do with that way of thinking. Hence the double surgery therapy session from the Lord to keep my heart open. Great physician indeed. I'm so thankful that he taught me the true meaning to guarding my heart and keeping those walls knocked to the ground. Life is just better at rest.

Distraction

This is a poem about manipulation...

Distraction

Together in silence now makes me see.
I choose life instead of your sorcery.
Gifted and twisted. Your words are so skilled.
If you claim to speak life, why is death what I hear?
Your way is only distraction.

Holy Cow, as they say, you can feed the bull.
The few who believe it are so sadly fooled.
Are you sorry we heard a message of peace?
Underestimating freedom sets people free.
Soon all will see the distraction.

You say I'm not needed. I've been of no worth.
I've grown to know differently. I remember my birth.
I can allow you to wallow and have your last word.
I'm not naive like you think. I know what I've heard.
I refuse to believe your distraction.

You shout one thing, but whisper another.
For a time, to my shame, I provided you cover.
I'm not here to expose, but you just don't believe.
Gifts delivered right to you, you would not receive.
You choose to love your distraction.

Like a scurvy little spider catches his prey.
Are you dizzy from spinning things you say?
The poison of the snake was not the lie,
but the intermingled truth he disguised.
There's no life to live with distraction.

Come to the mountain of reality.
Destroy golden views of idolatry.
Shackled by your insecurity.
Don't choose a life of this misery.
I pray soon your free from distraction.

Resting in the Rinse

We recently washed our carpet. It was an emergency! (...enough said.) We have had carpet for five years and this is the first time we ever shampooed it with three boys living here. It looks pretty good now, but we honestly thought we would have to replace it all. The thing about suds-ing up the ol' shag is that the soap on the fibers attract more dirt. You really have to rinse it well, then rinse it, and then rinse it some more to keep it looking nice. For some reason this really struck home with me about how we do with our spiritual walk. We get the "I'm clean" revelation (which is very important) but then we forget we need to be continually rinsed. Just wallowing in the knowledge of cleanliness without ever coming into contact with the "rinser" can make us filthier than ever. We attract "doctrines." We box God in. We limit ourselves with our own beliefs. We become Pharisaical. "I've been washed, dadgumit! I am right! I KNOW that KNOW!" This goes along with a little vision the Lord gave me during worship a little while back.

I saw a river twisting through the land. People were floating in the river like they were on tubes except they were not floating on anything. They were just so relaxed and at peace that they seemed to be floating carefree down the river. There were patches of land that the river wound wind around. People gathered on these little patches of land. Some people floating down the river would decide to walk onto shore. The further down the river, the more spiritually awakened the people were. People from the mainland would get to the river through these gatherings on the little peninsulas. Some of the gatherings still made reference to the river and even used water from the river. Some gatherings were so engulfed in their gather that they hardly acknowledged the river at all. I know the river represented the Spirit of God and the people floating were resting and flowing in the Spirit. I saw Wayne and I get back in the river. That brought a lot of comfort to me with so many changes in our lives at the moment. We can't see on down the river, but I know it is a good place to be. We will enjoy and rest in this journey. It is time to for us to be washed off and learn what it means for us to continually live in the rinse cycle. We can never think we know all the answers. All we know is where have been. To settle in the fact that we KNOW, is to deny that the river continues. Our "spirituality" then becomes more like a dead sea than a living water. There are things to learn. I don't want to miss it just because I've been washed once. I am content to know I know nothing, and excited to rest into revelation.

School Supplies-ophile

I really think I must have some sort of undiagnosed issue....It is really hard for me not to buy school supplies every time I shop. I currently own and use five calculators, and I wish I had more. Is it possible to own too many crayons, scissors, glitter glue, and boxes to hold them? I salivate in office-supply stores. Today I went into buy some nice folders for my resumes. What should have taken five minutes took way longer. I kept getting distracted. I literally looked at every kind of file folder and binder before I snapped out of it and realized I've already got a system at home I can use. Well, of course I have a stuff at home! I tend to buy this stuff like it is an illegal habit! I work at a facility where I literally walk around the building just to use the most awesome stapler ever. It brings a smile to my heart even when I imagine its easy "snap" and stand in awe of how many pages it can bind together without ever a glitch in the staple. I think a good candle scent should be called, "sharpened pencil." How many cool-looking notebooks can one own before being labeled a hoarder? "Would you like packs of colorful permanent markers to go with your reams of paper?" "Yes please!" No. No. No! I really think I might need help.

"Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?" ---Matrix

This is a late night ponder. Instead of writing directly in my journal like I normally would, I'm going out on a limb to share this ponder in blogland. I need to get it out somewhere. Might as well be here.

I was taking a shower just now thinking about all the hecticness (new word, yay!) going about in life right now. I was thinking of this sort of crazy junk when I had this thought. Am I really feeling this and dealing with this in my heart anyway? (This is where I get weird.) We are seated in heavenly places. I read on facebook somewhere that heaven is a state of mind or something like that. So if I am there? Am I really here? It hit me harder than it sounds. I almost lost my breath. Have you seen "The Matrix"? I so love that movie. You know that part when Neo realizes what the matrix is then he starts spasming out and then vomits? It is like he is instantly purged of all he thought was real and thrown bluntly into his true reality. I had a mild form of that feeling.

THEN! I saw a vision. It was a young lady inside an hour glass. The hour glass sat on this gorgeous table in this gorgeous room high up with an exquisite view and lush furnishings. So...where was the young lady? Was she in the hour glass? Or was she in the room?

I began to see that it is the same, yet two different realities. She could focus on her immediate surroundings...small, cramped, space, filled only with unstable repetition and time. A dreadful state of mind. Or she could glance out to see the bigger picture. Depending on where she sets her mind is where she is. It kind of reminds me of bird poo on a windshield. We can get so caught up in focusing on the poo that we totally miss the scenery we are passing by.

We are "trapped" in this bubble of time. Will we concentrate on the bubble? Or can we see past it to the bigger picture? Are you seated in monotony? Or are you seated in heavenly places?

Love Monsters

We went to see “Cars 2” and “Green Lantern” at the drive-in. Fun stuff. I cannot shake this image I have from the “Green Lantern,” and every time I think of this revelation, my spirit does flip flops. I will spare details from the movie, but must describe the enemy. It is a very destructive being that becomes more powerful by destroying creatures and receiving the fear from them. Fear is very powerful and depicted creatively in the movie, but there is a force more powerful than that. The opposite of fear is love. Fear destroys just like it was shown as the enemy in the movie. The force of Love acts just the opposite. The more you give, the more powerful (full of love) you become. The more you receive, the more powerful you become. Anytime anyone gives and receives love, BOTH are strengthened and life is more evident. That is the miracle of love. God is so cool like that. I am loving his opposite world. What would seem to be subtraction is multiplication in His kingdom.

My nephew Zeke is really funny. He has this voice and unusual way of saying things that make him a lot of fun to converse with. He mostly talks of methods he uses to strengthen his techniques in order to defeat the enemies and other practical things like that which would most definitely come in handy on a daily basis. One day he said, “Audrey, do you know what is the most powerful force in the universe?” “No, Zeke. What is it?” “True love's kiss.” I laughed a long time, but the truth is that he is right. He might have learned that from a collection of Disney movies, but love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

In the “Green Lantern”, people would see this creature and become afraid. Their fear is what caused their destruction and the enemy would grow. I keep seeing this image like that except it is made of love. But when people see it, it gives life instead of destruction. Love grows stronger in them. If people can even be changed by a romantic carnal love, imagine how we can change when we encounter LOVE himself. The best thing ever is when people identify others like “I know they love me.” When people see love in you, they are saying they see God in you. Wow! What a compliment. People who radiate love have encountered the God who is love. It is powerful. The most powerful force in the universe, as Zeke would say.

To grow or become mature requires receiving love. This is easier said than done. Receiving love requires humbling yourself and seeing yourself as worthy as they do. A good friend of mine found out I was doing some major house cleaning the other day. She, like me, has three baby preschoolers. She insisted that I allow her to come help me with my huge gigantic mess. I know she doesn't get much “me” time and she was going to pay a babysitter so she could come help me with the mess I created. Um....NO WAY! That required engulfing too much humble pie. I could not receive that. I know I knocked her out of a huge blessing. I know what it is like when someone will receive love you want to give and allow you to come and abide with them for a short time right where they live. It's an honor to get to do that, but gosh, I just couldn't. So forgive me, Heather Seyer. My pride is making me know not what I do. But for the times I do receive....I don't even know I'm growing bigger with love on the inside. I just feel like I'm enjoying life, then out of nowhere, someone will say, .”I feel love when I'm around you.” Wow....that is humbling in itself. I hope we can all receive so much love from our father and from each other that we become these...Love Monsters. No wonder he said we are new creatures. But instead of a big glob of destruction, we give life and peace and joy and hope and faith and LOVE.

Journaling From Pity to Peace

When I used to read certain Psalms, I always wondered why the author sounded so bipolar. It would start out with either positive or negative words but by the end of the psalm, it would be just the opposite as if they changed their mind right in the middle of the thought. Well, I recently experienced this seemingly-crazy phenomenon as I wrote in my journal about pity and how God changed my mind right in the middle of it to bring me peace.

I started a “prayer” journal in March. I have always kept a journal, but I was in complete rebellion about having a “Prayer” Journal just because so many who “knew more than I did” said I should keep a prayer journal and it sounded so churchy. I finally started this journal because it was birthed in me from the Holy Spirit to do so. I must honestly say, I wish I would have many years ago. I used to use my journal as my own private vent and therapy session. Writing was my way of dumping out the clutter in my heart and then I could see the mess clearly to organize and keep the good stuff and dispose of the junk. I would occasionally write down a conversation between my Father and me. But this year, I decided to purpose my journal on the conversations I have with Father. There is an occasional vent session, but mostly I can look back and see how something came up in conversation and then weeks or months later, it comes to pass. It is a sort of like how a staff was marked to remember what God had done in the Old Testament. I don't write everyday, but I wish I could make more time too. It seems to accelerate revelation in my heart when I sit down to write what I hear him say to me.

So this is how he used my journal as a tool to drive me from my pity party back into his marvelous light. I've decided to exactly retype what I wrote. Remember, this is sort of like a brainstorm from my heart...a heart-storm, so it might sound a little strange. This is a big deal for me because in thirteen years of journaling, I think I have only ever shared one entry with one person. **Sigh**

A little background first...
The night before I wrote, I got some “news” that I didn't think affected me, but when I woke up the next morning, I was in a total funk. I was feeling depressed and did not even want to get out of bed. I wouldn't have gotten up except I had three little boys who needed a mom. No mental health days off for parents. It was necessary for me to buck up and be responsible instead of soak in my pity. Besides that, pity is also not allowed in our home. If our boys start to get into pity-mode, they are quickly jolted out of it. We use various methods to drive away that way of thinking. Sometimes we recognize their whining as sleepiness, and they just go to bed until they are “happy.” This works well, but sometimes I can just point my finger in their nose and pretty much tell it to go away. Sometimes we make them give us a verbal list of things they are thankful for. They really don't like that one, but it works EVERY SINGLE TIME even if they end up listing 20-30 things. Being thankful when our flesh isn't in the mood requires us to swallow our pride. It is almost comical to see the inner struggle unless of course it is you that are having to do the swallowing. It is also funny because we can see the effects of our anti-pity talks at random times. We'll be riding down the road and all the sudden one of our boys will start saying things like, “Some little boys don't have car seats. Some little boys don't have grass. Some little boys don't get to go to El Tap.” So besides feeling irresponsible, I was feeling a bit hypocritical. I knew I could never demand our boys to get over their pity party, if I was not willing to do the same. So I called Wayne. He was no help. (*smile*) How could he be? He wouldn't make me list 55 things I'm thankful for. I finally decided to get help from Father and felt lead to write in my journal. This is exactly, word for word what came up.

March 9, 2011
Refine me. I want your Spirit in me to overpower my flesh---my bitterness, depression, fault-finding in others, fault-finding in our home, fault-finding in me. You are the shelter from myself. The drama of the past calls to me trying to pull me back down. I want to mature in you to a place I am strong where those thoughts, accusations, injustices “ping” off me. Where I don't even notice. I know I've been there before. Take me back. Help me keep my eyes on the goal and not even entertain temptations of self-pity. Who do I think I am that I can feel like I deserve pity? --It feels good because so many have come against us. I can't stand the fighting and knit picking from people. Make it stop. We're caught in the middle. We've learned stuff. ---You've taught us stuff----made lemonade from lemons. Being in self pity is pride because I feel like I was/am right and I was done wrong. It justifies me to myself. It draws for people to be on my side. It's divisive.---”You are either for me or against me.” I do not want my flesh to be allowed to be strengthened in this area. I want my Spirit to overpower. I want to be a life-giver not a life-sucker. I want people to feel they have had an encounter with the almighty after a conversation with me. I can't have both---the life and the pity. I will CHOOSE LIFE. I will cast down all lies that I am something I'm not (deserving of pity, right in my own strength, a victim.) and I will believe that I AM. (I am right in Jesus. He justifies me. He is for me. I humble myself to his life. I can do all things.) Today is a good and blessed day. My children are gifts. We own our home. Wayne is awesome and my biggest gift. I am loved. I am loved by a mighty King who is also my dad. I have family who love me. I have friends who love me. We are all in the same boat. I'm not alone. I've been there. I won't judge, but I can be an example of life to them. No agendas---just there if needed. God's grace in my life is influence and an example enough. I don't have to “be” anything. I am enough. I will just be. I will think only on Philippians 4:7-9 stuff today. I will pray in Spirit. I will love on my kids and whatever gets done will get done. Whatever doesn't, doesn't. Ahhh....I'm better. God is so good. (This is fun. I like my new journal plan.)

It ended up being a great day.

I will try to describe the revelation I learned regarding self-pity after this session writing in my journal. I never realized this before....Self-pity is divisive. It is a mindset that draws a line in the sand. “If you do not agree with me, then you do not feel for me as I feel for me. If you do not cross the line where I am, then you are not on my side. Therefore if you are not for me, you are against me.” I mentally erased the line that morning---pity is the line. And therefore I had no reason to think anyone was against me. When the line was erased, everyone became on my team, and I became for everyone. Bringing your pity or offense to someone's attention forces them to make a choice. If they choose not to come to your pity party, then they are not on your team. “I can only be in a relationship with you, if you adopt my perspective.” It is a form of manipulation. This is witchcraft. We are deceived if we think the things we make in our life are powerless. We were made in the image of God. Our thoughts are powerful even if the power is destructive.

We may not have a line drawn and willing to love everyone despite differences of opinions, but if they have one drawn, they see us as opposing them. Since that day in March, I know how to handle myself from drawing those lines of pity and offense. However I'm still learning how to handle myself when others draw the line forcing me away. Right now, I think that means loving from a distance. I just have to be content, and know that there is nothing I can do to change them. This still seems to be peace. It also means, that when others finally erase their line then there will be restoration of relationship because there are no more imaginary boundaries keeping relationships apart.

Tough Love Lessons

I recently saw a clip someone posted on facebook from “Korea's got talent.” A young man wanted to sing, but he said he was not a good singer. He was given up for adoption at age three, ran away from home after age five after a brutal beating from the adults at the orphanage, and lived alone on the streets until age 15. He said he enjoyed singing because it helped him become someone else and forget his past even for a moment. Then he sang. Oh my!...it was more than inspiring. The only thing I could think of after I wiped my face from the tears was, “Man, there is a whole world of people out there who just need to be loved on.” How different that kid's life would have been if someone had loved him. People find themselves in huge messes. Just turn on the radio and it won't be long before you hear someone singing about that “something” missing in their life. There is one cure... “All you need. All you really need is Love. Good Love.”

Love Shmuv, Right? Love is Jr. Kid stuff. That is stuff we already know so we need to get on to deeper things. To anyone who thinks “love” is baby stuff or too shallow or not enough, I have a few things to say to you. If you do not think “Love, Love, Love. Love is all you need.” then you do NOT know my Father. “Love is God and anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. If you do not love, you do not know God.” John, I could not have summed it up better myself! ( 1 John 4:7-8) The more I spend time with my Father, the more I learn how misconstrued my thinking was about love. These are some lessons I have learned. (I'm so dang wordy! --sorry.)

This world is hungry for one thing and we (those who claim to know God) do not even seem to be able to even love each other. How can we expect ourselves to go into all the world and do all that stuff that makes us good little Christians when we don't even have what they hunger for. Even worse...we think we have what they want, we say we have the answer, we prove we have the answer, we claim we know the right way, but our ways are repulsive to their appetite. Why? Because they see us exactly like them, but we claim we are better because we have the way. Even they love people who love them back. “Jesus loves you! He died for you! My way is the right way! Come follow me as I follow the Lord.” “Um....no thanks. I'd rather live in hell than live like you.” So then after such rejection, we sulk in our “persecution” and walk the walk of our good intentions and learn about the really “deep” stuff. No no no! Our actions to each other push people away from Father instead of drawing them to him. Sad.

How can we attempt to reach a Fatherless world, when we feel like orphans. I think all of us need to learn this lesson in some degree. The Orphan Spirited knows lots of stuff, but they forget the Word (Jesus). They think there is nothing else for them to really learn. They do not feel like their needs will be met. They think they have to “do” to get anywhere. They feel lack and are fearful of losing. They protect what “little” they do have even if it means hurting other people. They are jealous of anyone who has a gift. They are jealous if someone seems to exalt another person. They want to be the best. That they WANT means that they do not know that they have already been given all things. They do not know their Shepherd, their Father. They feel like orphans in their heart even if they do not admit it. They are mindful of scarcity instead of stewards of Father's abundance. The cure for the orphan spirited is to awaken to Father's reality----we have been adopted. The more we realize God/LOVE, the more mature we will become and the more our love tanks will fill up and flow over.

If our love tank was full, we would splash love to others without effort. The world would recognize the communion we have with one another and see that we do have what they have been longing for. If our love tank was full we would not put others under pressure to fill something in us only God can. Offenses and attacks and accusations from others might splash our water, but it would just float right off if our tank was full.

You know a disciple of Jesus because they love one another...not because they are a good speaker. Not because they have a big church. Not because they give money to every good program that comes along. Not because they have a Spiritual gift. This is the real question: Do they love the unlovable? Unlovable can describe lots of folks. It is easy to love someone who loves you back. Unlovable folks are those who would rather spit on you than look at you. Unlovable people drag your name through the mud. Unlovable people like to tell you how wrong you are and how right they are. Unlovable people like to expose your flaws. Unlovable people hurt you with their good intentions or bad intentions. Can we love those people? And not just love them after they ask your forgiveness because they finally “came to the light.” Love them in the middle of their drama. If you love people like that, then you are his disciples.

Sometimes Luke and Jack see things in the store they want for a friend and sometimes we buy it for their friend. One day on the way to the store, I grew tired of hearing a long conversation about how they “hate” this other kid. This kid is really mean and annoying so I could totally understand, but their attitude toward him was not desirable and was really only hurting themselves. We stood in the parking lot, and I told them how Jesus would handle this kid. Would Jesus want to punish him? Would Jesus like to say bad things to him? Jesus says to be nice and love and bless those who are mean to you. I told them that if they wanted to be like Jesus, I would let them pick out a gift for him at the store. They LOVED it! Seeing those boys give that bully kid the gift was amazing! Not only did they learn why it was better to give than to receive, they put out the flame of offense in their own heart AND as an added bonus, the bully isn't bullying anymore. Win. Win. Win. (The Office) Since that day, I have not heard one negative comment about the kid. By the way....wisdom would say not to put ourselves in a bad situation, so we don't put our boys around him. Wisdom is also love. Innocence is wisdom. And Love is not a doormat.

Love is leaving the 99 to go after the 1. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that if even one is hurt to please the masses, the action/way of thinking is not God. I have made past decisions and believed that I needed to do something for the good of the whole. That meant rejecting people I “loved.” I thought it was the right thing to do. It finally dawned on me one day....”Jesus never rejected anyone even if it meant offending the goody-goodies.” I punished myself for a while for being so stupid, but even holding on to unforgivingness for myself was not Godly. This is how I used to think: “reaching out to that person would offend many and bring some confusion to others. To avoid that, I will limit my interaction with them." BOO! Well, now I see that God will love and have mercy on the one and if everyone in the whole world gets offended at his mercy, then so be it. I can be that way too. (Romans 9)

Real love is God's love. God's love sees no need to add anything to us. What a humbling WOW! Real love doesn't see the need to fix us. Real love doesn't see the need to IMPROVE someone. If God so LOVED the world that means that he loves them/us just as we are. So why on earth would I think I need to love someone while recognizing where they need to be “fixed?” Like people really need anyone to point out the errors of their ways or “where they could grow.” Geesh!

I used to think that loving people would mean that I love them and patiently “teach” them. I asked the Lord once to show me where I erred. Boy did he answer! The Great I AM, creator of heaven and earth informed me one day that the mistake I made (remember, I did ask for this) was that I thought I had something to teach them and somehow it was my job to teach them. Ooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuch! Hurts so good! Gosh, I had to take a huge bite out of humble pie to receive that one. I am called to first love. If I think I have something to teach someone, then there is an agenda attached to my “love.” The thing is, Father told me a long while back that I had something to teach, But I totally missed the entire lesson. My job is to love, and if someone wants what I have, they will ask me and then I can teach. My life is the teacher, not my instruction. I'm even embarrassed to admit that now. Here is the truth: if I see that someone needs teaching, then I see they need improving. If I see they need improving, then I automatically see they lack. I pray to God I never sowed lack into anyone. Sowing lack is diabolical.

Wayne and I now have a saying, “No motive but love.” That means that we don't even think we have to help someone change. It means we won't be defensive and we won't attack. We will walk in love no matter what. We have made new friends and some have needed help over the years. But since we decided no motive but love, it is more than amazing to see how God grows people up around us without us "doing" anything. Our life should be a reflection of his love rather than an instructional video.

I know what it feels like to be loved without a motive. A while back, I found myself needing help out of an emotional pit. I could see where I was and where I wanted to be, but I just didn't have the emotional strength to climb out by myself. I asked the Lord to send me someone to help me climb out. He more than answered my prayer. She was unexpected. I learned more from her about Love than anyone ever hands down. She loved me, and loved me, and loved me some more without ever expecting anything back. She gave. She prayed. She served. She hugged. She spoke God's-heart over me time after time. She would write me cards and indicated in them that it was from Father. I never asked her for any of this. It even made me uncomfortable in the beginning. It was weird that someone would do all that. I found myself having to submit to her love, God's love. This God-kind of love literally threw me a life line and pulled me out of the pit. I am still learning lessons from her unconditional love. It makes me smile on the inside when I hear her say things like, “I don't know that stuff about the Bible.” etc. I smile because it doesn't matter how much she knows. I know she knows my Father. Her love for people without any motive is proof she is a disciple of Christ. I would receive a piece of wisdom from her than from anyone who can quote the whole Bible. Others might have a lot of eloquent words, but all I hear is clanking cymbals if I do not see unconditional love and relationship without motives.

There are abandoned five-year-olds living in public restrooms in Korea, and we get offended because some Christian said something mean once. Let us submit to the Love of our Father and allow him to love us the way he created us to be loved. Allow him to fill our love tanks. Let's forgive and love one another. Then and only then we will be his disciples, and can go into the world offering them something they really do want, and effortlessly love on some babies.

180 Degree Life-changer #5: Spirit of Accusation

The most recent 180 degree-life-changing revelation is how accusations rob our confidence. Accusation is a word or even an attitude that says, “you are less than you are.” On any given day, the word that is spoken would probably sound pretty silly. What makes it significant is the force or spirit behind the word. The intention is to rob us of our confidence.

When the accusation comes it makes us take a look at ourselves. We feel bad for it. It doesn't make us mad at first. It makes us feel insecure. We feel like we just want to quit. We might feel a physical heaviness. We feel rejected and belittled. We feel like we need to take up for ourselves to prove we are not as bad as what they say we are. We feel a pressure to perform. When we perform, we come back under the law instead of grace. We can never BE good enough. We cannot improve ourselves, therefore condemnation and guilt sets in. Condemnation will drive people to sin and ultimately to death. It can even make us sick.

Accusation is a belief system that can be thinking bondage for entire generations. Some people might call this a generational curse. It's not really a curse. It is a way of thinking that has been taught and learned.

Why would someone want to accuse us? People with low confidence are easy to control. Low confidence keeps us dependent on others and prevents us from manifesting Jesus. If we believe a lie, then we will not walk in truth. Low confidence keeps us existing instead of living. It keeps us in bondage to sin because we believe the lie. The accused gets a sentence and we are condemned. Condemnation keeps us chained to the sin.

Accusation is not just a hurt feelings or an offense, it makes us look inwardly and questions who we are. We feel like we want to go somewhere and hide. We become self-conscious instead of God-conscious. It is just like how Adam and Eve felt in the garden. The accuser came and told Eve that she really wasn't good enough. Eat of the fruit and then she would see. She believed she lacked and that was the real sin. Eating of the fruit was “fruit” of the new belief she now had that she lacked. The accuser mixed truth in with lie making it all a lie. God said, “Who told you you were naked?” They were naked the whole time, but they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and suddenly their eyes in their flesh were open to our carnal or soul-ish perspective instead of seeing things in Spirit. They became blind to the reality God created for them. They were only aware of themselves after they lost the perspective they shared with their creator, and it caused them to hide. They were not even confident enough to stand before their loving Father.

The accusation is usually mixed with things that are true or factual. Another clever tactic is if you don't fall for it, you will be accused for not feeling accused. “You should feel bad for this. You are not compassionate because you don't even care you are this way.” Accusations probably will come from someone you care about or some sort of authority figure. It can come from people with bad intentions or people with good intentions. Sometimes I think you can take the words someone says with good, pure intentions, but your heart be so crooked that you accuse yourself with those words.

Gracious correction is not accusation. Someone may see something in your life that is bringing you harm. They love you with integrity and want only the best for you. The come gently to you to talk with you about it. Do they mention your flaws? Yes they do, but it is candy coated in the wisdom and love of the Lord. They are lead by the Holy Spirit to speak to you on this matter. Don't mistaken that for accusation. You will know because it bears witness. You almost feel honored that they care enough about you to bring it up. You feel safe with them. You feel loved even more. You feel confident. It brings you life, not death. The motive is love and only love.

Accusation has a definite path, but it is all designed to strip away our confidence. We feel bad about ourselves. Then we feel hurt. Hurt leads to bitterness. Bitterness leads to anger. Then finally one feels depressed. Sometimes the depression or pit that someone is in is so difficult to get out of, that is why God gives people gifts to help and serve others. The gift of prophecy is exactly opposite of an accusation. Where one negative word with a spirit of accusation can send you to a pit, so much stronger can a prophetic word pull you out of the miry clay. This has happened to me many times. When I would feel like I could not climb out of my bondage way of thinking, I would ask the Lord to send me someone as a gift to help me climb out. The Word would always come through unexpected sources which was an extra little goody, and I would climb right out of my pit. Thank you, Lord, for the gifts in people you give us!

Dreams are also very helpful in healing any past hurts or current hurts of accusation. Dreams are a tool we can use to recognize issues in our hearts and allow Jesus to wash us off. When one dreams of a snake, the snake is symbolic of lies and accusations. I'll give you an example of how God used a dream to help heal me.

Someone I love dearly said something to me about not being a good mom and gave specific examples of why. I didn't recognize it as a spirit of accusation because they should know what they are talking about and I was not aware of how that word was affecting my heart. So that night I dreamed I was riding on a little cart away from home and I left Luke and Jack at home alone as I traveled down the road with Benjamin. I felt like he was to little to leave at home. We live about a mile from the main road in real life. When I got to the end of the road in my dream where the cemetery is, I saw the person who said that about me not being a good mom standing in the cemetery. I was afraid that they saw me and would realize I left Luke and Jack at home, so I turned around and started racing toward home. On the way back, I saw three snakes on the road try to jump up and strike at me. They didn't get me because I was in the cart, but I was staring at them and I was scared.

When I woke up I realized that the word they spoke was an accusation and I was able to dispose of it in my heart. There were three snakes in my dream because I have three little boys whom I was told I was not a good parent to. Even though the person was able to give specific examples of why I was not “good enough,” it was a lie. It might be silly to hear and even think, but the force behind it really made me believe what they were saying and I lost some confidence. I just didn't realize I had and God brought that dream to me. Am I mad at the person who said it? No way. As far as I'm concerned, their intentions were good, and it was my own heart that accused myself with their words.

The Bible is clear on how to handle those who bring accusations against you and how to condemn the word. Isaiah 54:17says, “No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Every tongue that rises against you in judgment, you shall condemn.” It said no weapon will prosper, but there are still weapons out there in regard to “tongues” or “lies.” How do you condemn the word? “Bless those who curse you...” Matthew 5:44. 1 Peter 3:9says, “Not rendering evil for evil or railing for railing but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called that ye should inherit a blessing.” Accusation is contagious. If you are accused, our carnal instinct is to accuse back because it is a defense mechanism. People who feel accused not only accuse back to their accuser, but they start to accuse other people too. Hurting people hurt people. To put an end to the snow ball of accusation is to reach in and pull out the fruit of the Spirit. Bless those that curse you. Love on them. It is easy if you recognize that the person saying the words is not bad. Jesus loves them too. It's the attitude or spirit behind the words that is bad. We don't attack the person, we condemn the word. We condemn the word with blessings. God's Kingdom is always opposite of what we know in our system of thinking. It might not make sense to bless those who bring such horrid comments to you, but that is Jesus. “Father forgive them because they don't know what they are doing.” Emphasis on the “know” not the “doing.” They only did what they were doing because they were blind. It is only through loving forgiveness that they might see. Jesus knew this. He was condemning the accusing word by blessing---”Father, Forgive them.” Wow! I can't wait until I can walk in this fully.

180 Degree Life-changer #4: Submission

This is a good one....
Wayne came home one day and simply said, “You know how in the Bible it says for wives to submit to your husbands? That word submit really means to allow yourself to be loved.” Fireworks went off in my heart. It was like the missing piece to a puzzle I didn't know I was missing. There was a revelation download in my spirit, and all I could think to say was, “God you really, really are so very good.” My life has never been the same. Our marriage was good, but now it is bliss.

There was a time that if Wayne had ever said, “You need to submit,” it would have been World War 3. But now when he says it, it is like dirty talk.

The Bible tells us to “submit to one another as unto the Lord.” One of the revelation chunks that plopped into my spirit was what it means to submit to the Lord. I always thought it meant, “obedient.” And yes, it could be interpreted that way, but it is not the most correct way. Submission to Lord is to allow him. It is to lay down my opinion and submit to his. Song of Solomon is a perfect example of this. That beautifully written book is Jesus loving on his bride, the church. At the beginning of it, she doesn't feel worthy to be loved even though he tells her she is. She says things like, “He is my beloved.” He continues to love on her and by the end of the book she has submitted and says, “I am my beloveds.” A mature person can submit. The Song of Solomon shows how she matures as she submits. At first her thinking is what she can do to love him, but at the end she realizes her love is no comparison to his great love and so she gets over herself and allows him to love her and that is exactly what he wanted. AWESOME!

When Jesus washed the disciples feet, he was serving them. He was loving them. Peter had a hard time humbling himself to submission. He didn't feel worthy enough to have his Lord Jesus wash his feet, but Jesus said that if he did not allow himself to be served by him, then he could not have any part with him. It is humbling to lay down our opinion and submit to ourselves to Jesus. We must allow him to serve us. This is another Kingdom principle that is opposite to our thinking. The servant is the greatest of all. The King of Kings is the servant. That's a tough one for me to swallow, but I am learning to submit. Everyday I am learning to come boldly before him and allow him to love me the way that he created me to be loved. Consequently, the more I submit, the more I will I will mature and the more I will love others the way I know I am loved.

So it says, “Wives submit to your husbands.” Our whole marriage changed because of this revelation. It is difficult to put into words, but I'll give an example. I am a stay-at-home mom and therefore I put expectations on myself as to what I thought that meant. I made goals for myself which were never accomplished. So if Wayne came home after he had worked all day and started washing the dishes, I would feel inadequate like I was not good enough to get my job done so he had to do it. Now I didn't say anything to him. I let him wash the dishes and was thankful for it, but all the time feeling bad about myself because I couldn't get it done. There was a pressure in our house that we were unaware of. Was Wayne washing the dishes because he thought I was inadequate? No! He was trying to help me. He was trying to show me he loved me. So now I have learned to submit to him. Whatever he wants to do for me, I let him. I now receive things as love. It is the job of the wife to be the receiver. God created us that way. Eve's purpose for being created was to be loved. The more love we receive, the more love is birthed from us for everyone else. The pressure disappeared in our marriage. We even noticed a change in our boys. Peace reigns in our home because we submit to one another.

We have learned about the different love languages and how different things communicate love loudly. Although my primary love language is words of affirmation, I can now speak all the other languages fluently so I receive love in every way. So if Wayne touches me, I “hear” love. If he wants to serve me, I “hear” love. If my boys want to spend time with me, I “hear” love. Or if they make me a gift out of tinker toys, I “hear” love. It is amazing how this revelation of submission changed every aspect of my life.

180 Degree Life-changer #3: The Word of God

This is one of those things I thought I knew. I seriously must have learned these words to this song before my first memory. “The B-I-B-L-E. That's the book for me. I stand up tall on the word of God. The B-I-B-L-E.” Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. This one actually may not have been as life-jolting as all the others I am listing, but it was significant enough to post it. I heard a message on the “The Word of God” in November 2009. I literally saw the words float out of his mouth and into my chest. It was the first time ever I have gotten drunk off of spoken word. I have never been as drunk since. I lost my inhibitions. It was powerful. I can honestly say that week of my life was the foundation for every truth I know today. It catapulted me into something really special. It is difficult to put into words. Walls in my heart were torn down, and it was like the adventure was just beginning. It began a revelation-download from the Holy Spirit that has not stopped to this day. So what was the word? So simple, yet so misunderstood.

Bible is not the word of God. WHOA! (No stones please.) Bible contains the word of God, but it also contains scripture. Scripture and the Word are not the same thing. The Word of God is Jesus as it so beautifully tells us in John 1. Scriptures might tell us one thing, but the Word of God is something totally different. The best illustration I have ever heard is the story of the woman caught in the very act of adultery. Scripture said to stone her, but what did the Word say? He said, “if there is any among you without sin, you may cast the first stone.” Then after everyone left, he said to this woman, “I do not condemn you.” WOW! What a revelation! So now, if I read something in the Bible, and it doesn't exactly sound like Jesus to me, I ask the Holy Spirit to teach me the Word. Lord, make me blind to the scriptures and only see the WORD!

180 Degree Life-changer #2: Judgment

I've been pondering on this since I first heard a message on judgment, and that has been many, many moons ago. This is something I continue to learn and purge my heart from. The Bible says that man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart. Judgment is when we think we know what someone else is thinking. We think we know the motives behind other's behavior. We think we can see when we are blind. Sometimes we can even convince others we can see when we are blind.

I used to joke around and say, “Judgment is my spiritual gift.” But the truth is, judgment hurts the person doing the judgment. I quit saying “judgment is my gift” because I decided I was only going to speak truth about that in my life. I want no part in judgment. It is NASTY. There is still some purging to do, and I still have to take quite a few thoughts captive, but I am holding on with dear life to a word a dear friend gave me: “God said that very soon you will see people the way he sees people.” What freedom that will be for ME! We can only judge in others what we see in ourselves. Have you ever had friends who can knit pick the hound of personality flaws? You better watch your back. The things they see in people are exactly what is in their heart. Opinionated people is a nice way of saying, “Judgmental.” I'm quickly learning that every time I see where others can improve, I need to take a big long look in the mirror. Jesus wasn't joking when he said to take heed of the log in our eye before we notice the splinter in others.

Another thing I struggle with currently is judging myself. Now I know there are “things.” We all have stuff, but I'm taking lessons from the Holy Spirit at the moment of how this process works. I do NOT have all the answers. Actually, I don't have any answers at all, but I can see that if the Creator of heaven and earth is not aware of my flaws, then what right do I have to continually remind myself of them so I can “work” on it. Why do I even think “I” could fix anything at all, including myself. It is sick if I think about it long enough.

I saw the movie, “Da Vinci Code.” Regardless of anyone's opinion on that movie, that crazy character who paid penance for the wrongs he did is a great illustration of self-judgment. What he did to himself was disgusting, warped, and exactly opposite of what Jesus freed us from. Actually, it is a slap in the face of Jesus if we think we must add to what he did. We think we can pay for the things Jesus must have missed hanging up on that cross. That is crazy. Other peeps in the Bible thought they could pay for salvation themselves too-----Pharisees HELLO! The most judgmental, warped, bondage-loving people EVER. When I think about putting myself under pressure to fix the flaws in my heart, I remind myself that I'm acting like that albino-looking fella in the “Da Vinci Code.” I know there are things to work out in my heart, but judging self cannot be the cure. It is humble to take on the opinion of Father for me instead of the opinion (or judgment) I have of myself. When I can see others through my Father's eyes, then I will also be seeing me through his eyes. THAT is truth-humility.

180 Degree Life-changer #1: The Nature of God

I've been thinking a lot lately about the revelations that have most abruptly changed me life. There are lots of good stuff I've learned or am in the process of learning that I would consider as huge or more important, but these five revelations are the ones that picked me up from the course I was on and totally planted me in a 180 degree different direction. These are chronologically in eye-opening order.

#1 The Nature of God.
The first time I heard the gospel and I mean really heard the gospel, my heart was transformed. I don't even remember the words that were spoken, but I remember the feeling of freedom in my Spirit. It began a journey of seeking a true, safe, and amazing relationship with a Father I know loves me. He sees no need to add anything to me. He never tries to “teach me a lesson” or test or tempt me. He is good and only good. He is not even allowing the bad stuff. Bad things happen because of our choices and the imagination we trap ourselves in. He sent us a savior who made our way and to wake us up. Jesus was the exact image of our Good Daddy. Jesus did a better job than I was always lead to believe. We have to sacrifice nothing because he really took care of it all. When he finished it, it really was finished. He doesn't need our help to fix us or anyone else. We are here so he can love on us. Sure we have purpose and plans, but now with our new nature which is His nature we “do” by accident. There is NOTHING I have to do to become, because he already made me as I AM. When we awake to who he really is and who he made us to be, we can mambo outta here. Hope we wake up soon!
I am so deeply rooted in his goodness that I take it for granted that others are not. I'm still learning aspects about his good nature and look forward to learning even more in eternity.

Gold Digging

When Wayne and I were first courting, we had a British Literature class together at Tennessee Tech. We used to do cutesy things while we sat through lecture like abuse quotes from some Old English passages in notes to each other. It was fun having our own, inside joke, class commentary. One of the things I remember taking out of context was the phrase, “I think you are gold.”

Gold. It's precious. It's valuable. It's shiny. It is called the “Nobel Metal” because it is the only metal that will never rust or tarnish. It's virtually indestructible. It's decorative, but also very useful in electronics and medical practices for treatments and surgeries that were once impossible. Gold is used in adorning kings, and the highest prize an athlete can earn is the Olympic gold medal. Gold is gooooooooood. This earth has lots of gold, but there is even more soil. What if we were so afraid of the dirt, that we never went gold digging?

People also have gold..... God-given, good, golden qualities that are often buried in mountains of filth. Our words, views and opinions are like shovels, dynamite, and backhoes. When we honor people with our words, we are pointing out the gold in their lives. Affirmation is gold digging. Pretty soon that gold that is buried beneath the soil makes its way to the surface and they suddenly begin to shine.
People who behave carnally are really only aware of their “soil.” What good would it do to constantly remind them how dirty they are? What gives us the right to tell them where they need to get “cleaned” up if God sees them already as clean, blameless, and innocent as Jesus? If you see someone with a little “dirt” on their face, it is you who needs a bath. “Unto the pure all things [are] pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving [is] nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.” Titus 1:15

Jesus said to get the log out of your own eye before you see splinter in someone else. “Well, it is just my opinion, and I am allowed to think what I want.” or “ I know I'm right and I need to make you that way too, because I care about you.” Is that right? Well, any opinion that does not match God's opinion is a lie. Lies are shovels for the soil. You don't want to be a grave digger! “If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin'.” This gold digging is serious stuff. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Choose life. That log in our eye obscures our vision so we see the wood chips in others. I guarantee if we remove our logs, we'll see others as “pure” as we are. We all have filth, dirt and soil. Even the “best” of us is like dirty rags compared to the righteousness of the Lord. I said, “best” because really it is always opposite day in the Kingdom of God. What we call best, he calls filthy. What we call first, he calls last. What we call, subtraction (giving,) he calls multiplication. Our real LIFE only begins after our death. That does not mean that we do not experience or recognize darkness, but Psalms 139:12 says, “even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” Hmmm...That really changes my way of thinking.

Something that is so extra awesome about gold-digging is the principle, “It is better to give than to receive.” When you go gold-digging, the gold in you automatically comes to the surface. It strengthens the digger at the same time it strengthens the receiver. I love God's law about that. It's one of those “opposites” I mentioned earlier that make His kingdom so much fun. The more you give, the more you get. Giving honor multiplies honor in ourselves.

This is also something interesting to think about....There was an experiment done with a group of low-performing students. They put these underachievers in a classroom with a teacher who knew nothing about them. The teacher was told that the students were the high-achieving students. At the end of the school year, they were actually high achievers. She believed in them and they were. That makes me think that even if we hold our tongues, just the attitude that radiates from us can influence others. After all, it is not who you believe in as much as it is who believes in you.

We should also never take for granted that people who “shine” know they do. I think sometimes when it seems so obvious that someone is filled with gold, that we forget they could be encouraged if we call attention to it. Sometimes it is not obvious to them, and you telling them they are gold may just be the edification they need to hear. We should always try to remember to honor those golden people with our words. They will be encouraged and consequently, they will shine even more.

“All that glisters is not gold.” Flattery is glittery, but it is not gold digging. Wayne and I refer to flattery as “blowing sunshine up someone's butt.” We like to call flatterers, “Solar Proctologist.” (Saying that is not exactly gold digging, but it does make us laugh.) Flattery is attached to a motive. Flattery is like gold digging with an agenda. Maybe you want to point out the good in someone so that they will change a bad behavior. Sounds like good intentions, but just the fact that you see the need for them to change says that you see lack in them and therefore you are just digging in the soil. To me, that is just grave digging. Gold digging is motivated by LOVE. It is a heavenly perspective into someone's life. Gold digging is a product of being born of God who is Love. (1 John 4:7-8.)

That is why I so love the gift of prophecy. Prophecy is like inserting a direct line to somebody's gold mine. God can give you the right words to say to someone that brings their TRUTH-self to the surface. I love this about Father. God has an opinion of us, and it is not that we need “fixing.” He sees us as perfect as he sees Jesus. He sees us as gold. As hard as that is to admit, it is the truth. It might be true that we make mistakes and think incorrectly and do not believe, etc, but that is not the truth. We have a choice...we can focus on the things in us that is soil, or we can lay down our opinion and adopt the heart of our father.---That is extremely humbling. It is tough to see the gold in us, but when can humble our opinions to match Father's opinion of us, we become awakened. If we want to see gold in others, we must first see the gold in ourself. We then will know we are seated in heavenly places and the perspective from there is just... heavenly!

Your Daddy thinks you are gold!

Wake Up Call

I got a few requests to write down the word I got today for church, so here it is....

It was as if people had a veil wrapped over their head so that they could not see or hear. I could feel the righteous, Holy anger of the Lord so strong I didn't know if I could get it all out. He was NOT angry with people, he was angry with the lies and deception that made up the veil that caused us to be blind and deaf. It was like we are to literally reach up and lift the veil off. The veil is there only because we believe the lies and deception. The veil is a way of thinking that blinds us and prevents us from seeing reality. The veil hinders our judgment and deceives us. The veil makes us think we are separated from Father. The veil makes us feel alone or empty. The veil is a belief that we are on our own and we have to make it on our own. The veil makes us think we are dependent on other men or man's system.

It was like we were sleep walking. We are living, but almost as if we are in a dream world unaware of reality which we call the supernatural. He is telling us WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UUUUUUUP! It is time to wake up! It is time to reach up and lift that veil off our heads. It was like Jesus put his punching gloves on and was coming in busting up the veils. He really did that already, we need to awaken to reality. There is nothing separating us from Father but we lack the boldness and confident to see and hear him because we believe lies. WAKE UP! WAKE UP! We can be confident in Father's voice. We hear him, but that veil makes us think we cannot hear or see and thus dependent on others to lead and guide us instead of following the truth that lives in us. WE KNOW HIS VOICE! Let us be confident in it. Come BOLDLY to his throne. It is our right as children of the Most High to hear and be confident in his voice. You do not need any man telling you what to think, and you do not need to be dependent on Man's system. Beware of any voice that makes you doubt your ability to hear your father. You can think for yourselves because you know his voice.

When we start to see things the way God sees them, then the answers will come. We have been given a front row seat in his kingdom. Wake up! Look around and see where you are. Know where you are. Know that you are seated in heavenly places and see this realm and the people in it from Father's kingdom perspective. This is like: Seek first his kingdom and ALL things will be added to you. The answers will come when we see things the way he does and THIS is reality AND the right way. Everything else is less.

The first thing after the veil is lifted is that we will hear his voice. After that we will see things in the supernatural. Supernatural, strange things will happen and it will be so common it is no big deal to us because we see. First we hear, then we see. We will naturally be supernatural (as Wayne says.) Stop looking to other men for the answers. You grow up yourselves. You don't need a Moses telling you what to do. You have direct access to your GOOD and ONLY GOOD Daddy. The veil is lifted. Know it is. Don't be deceived. You can hear and you can see. When you know that the veil is gone, you will see that you are not separated from God. He is right there with you. You will see you lack nothing. Everything you need and want is right with you already. You are not alone and never were. He's always been there. It is time now to wake up and see the truth.

I started a prayer journal a couple months ago and write things in it like questions to the Lord. I had asked him to help me understand and get a revelation of when Jesus took a whip to the money changers in the temple. Although I understood the concept of why he did that, I did not understand his revelation about that until today when I felt that righteous, Holy anger. Today, he answered that prayer by allowing me to feel what he felt. It is so difficult to translate God's revelation in English, but I''ll try.
Jesus flipped over the tables. He didn't whip the people. He was angry at the lies. He was angry at the deception. The system of the money changers was their veil. That system was keeping them blind and deaf. He was angry and the lies and the deception that were keeping his people in bondage. They could not see HIM because they were so wrapped up in their lies/ way of thinking / man's system. He was angry that they believed they had to have another man “helping” them get to God. That they couldn't just come on their own. He was angry that they believed there was something they had to DO because they thought they were not quite good enough just as they were. Their confidence to enter in on their own had been stripped away because they believed the lie. They followed man's system to come to their Father which would continue to write on their hearts that they are not children. They believed they are orphans, and THAT is a lie! As for the people that were selling in the temple, The LORD JESUS was also angry at their deception. They probably thought they were doing good and the right thing. How dare that way thinking. You can only deceive if you are deceived. If they were sowing LACK (you-are-not-good-enough way of thinking) in others, then their own hearts were full of it. Jesus' intention was to destroy any measure of man that placed him above or below another including Jesus himself. We are coheirs. It is time we wake up to this, HIS REALITY.

Oh My God You are really, really, really good!